The Bourbon Kid is back baby! The fourth installment of this wonderful Tarantino-esque romp returns to Santa Mondega after the bloodbath in the Arizona desert in The Devil's Gravyard, for the final conclusion to what has become my all-time favourite book(s).
Egyptian Mummy Rameses Gaius is on the verge of becoming the king of Santa Mondega; assembling an army of the undead to wreak havoc and pretty much kill anyone who stands in their way following the apparent death of The Bourbon Kid.The breakdown in law and order has sunk to a new low, what with the local police force being all but wiped out following the most recent bloodbath.
Now reliant on volunteers, the only two people stupid enough to put their names forward are Sanchez the bartender and Flake the waitress. The fact that Sanchez is attacked by a bunch of cookie-selling Girl Guides tells you all you need to know about his ability to shield the city from the evil engulfing it.
And when Sanchez stumbles across a mysterious book in the local library that is being hunted by his long-time crush Jessica the Vampire Queen, the bumbling bartender is only too happy to try and return the book to her, yet completely oblivious to the destruction it will cause by ending up in the wrong hands.
The good citizens of Santa Mondega (those who are left anyway) have only one real hope left, and when that last hope is to pray for the return of the world's most prolific mass murderer, you know things have hit rock bottom! Still, it isn't long before The Bourbon Kid is pulled back into the fold following the kidnap of his childhood sweetheart Beth, at which point you know it won't be long until all hell breaks loose!
Written with the same comedy timing and energy that has poured off the pages of the previous three books in the series, The Book of Death is another fine example of good old fashioned guts-and-gore fun! The characters all remain so unique in their own way, yet blend together in this wonderful world of werewolves, vampires, zombies, drunks, serial killers, and half-wits!
If reports are to be believed, JJ Abrahams - the Hollywood director and producer - has bought the film rights to The Bourbon Kid series and is rumoured to be creating a TV series based on the books called Pulp. I for one can't bloody wait!
This evening I entered The Droughtinto the second annual Shirley You Jest Book Awards! The eBook version of the book qualifies as an updated version of The Drought was uploaded to Smashwords in November 2012.
About Shirley You Jest Book Awards!
Shirley You Jest! Book Awards reprises its role as the only indie comedy and humor book contest to offer publicity-based prizes. Presented by Liz D Publicity & Promotions, SYJ! honors books by self-published and traditionally published independent authors that "deliver the funny.” The contest is open to fiction and non-fiction e-book and print titles released between 2012 and 2013. Entries are accepted May 20, 2013 – July 22, 2013.
Since its premiere last year, Shirley You Jest! Book Awards has received accolades from the indie book community. Shirley Award-winning author Robin O’Bryant credits the contest with having helped with the sales of her self-published motherhood memoir, Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves. “One of the greatest obstacles facing indie publishers is the high cost of marketing and advertising . . . SYJ! helped [me] with all of this . . . by expanding my audience and helping me find new readers,” says O’Bryant.
On November 1, 2013, National Author’s Day, Shirley Awards will be presented to the two funniest entries in the fiction and non-fiction categories. Winning authors will receive media exposure from SYJ! sponsors that include author interviews, book reviews, special blog features and social media mentions. The list of participating US, Canadian and UK prize sponsors include: Underground Book Reviews, Book Guys podcast, Morgen Bailey’s Writing Blog, Author Groupie, The Paperback Pursuer, The Humor Columnist, The Bunny’s Review, Humor Times, Conversations LIVE Radio, Conversations Magazine, Lisa Haselton’s Reviews and Interviews, Reading Addiction Blog Tour, Dudes and Stuff Podcast, Humor Writers of America, Tiffany Talks Books, TeamNerd Reviews, Doing Dewey and Indie Minded Radio Show.
For anyone who missed the Graham Norton Show last night, you missed one epic performance from the artist previously known as the Fresh Prince! A year after delighting us by rapping the famous Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song, Will Smith was back on Norton's chat show couch with son Jaden, and this time he brought along old stalwarts DJ Jazzy Jeff and Alfonso Ribeiro AKA Carlton Banks!The result? Sheer TV gold! Check it out...
This performance perhaps surpassed my previous favourite Graham Norton moment when Miriam Margolyes was a guest alongside Will.I.Am in what can only be described as something like having your grandmother sitting alongside one of the world's biggest Hip Hop stars, and everything you'd expect her to say, she pretty much did!
You tend to forget that at 75-years-old, Morgan Freeman is technically old enough to be your grandfather! During those advancing years, two things are for certain: a) you will start to wear your trousers higher than Simon Cowell and b) you'll fall asleep quicker than someone with narcolepsy.
So perhaps we shouldn't be surprised that Freeman decided to catch forty winks whilst being interviewed on live TV about his upcoming movie. As his Now You See Me co-star Michael Caine discussed their latest Hollywood outing with Fox News, Freeman was seen to be nodding off.
Or was he?
The wily old star was quick to rebuff claims he had dozed off as he took to his Facebook to explain what really happened.
"Regarding my recent interview, I wasn't actually sleeping," he explained. "I'm a beta tester for Google Eyelids and I was merely taking the opportunity to update my Facebook page."
He might be eligible for a free bus pass, but like a lot of OAPs, he is still as sharp as a razor.
Following my post earlier this week about Steve McClaren being touted as the next Everton manager (albeit at 66-1 odds!), it got me worked up into a bit of a panic. What happens if my beloved Toffees make the wrong choice or if Bill Kenwright hands the keys to Goodison to the wally with the brolly? The next man in the Goodison Park hot seat has to be the right man - we can't afford to get it wrong!
Let's face the facts - we're skint! We're skinter than a Channel 4 documentary about a council estate in Scunthorpe! We don't have the luxury to hand the new manager a transfer war chest of riches aplenty. If it all goes tits-up and we let the wrong man spend what little cash we have, we really could find ourselves in a tight spot.
So who do we get in? The debate on fans sites such as Toffeeweb and Blue Kipper has been intense and awash with suggestions as to who should lead our mighty club into the next era. Roberto Martinez? Vitor Pereira? Phil Neville? Janice the tea lady? There isn't one clear favourite to take the reins. All we know for sure is that we need a man who will unite the Gladys Street faithful. A man who would die for the royal blue cause. A man who is ingrained in the true meaning of nil satis nisi optimum.
And the more I think about it, the more I believe that man should be Duncan Ferguson! Hell, even our greatest manager of all time, Howard Kendall, backed Big Dunc earlier in the month. So what if he has no managerial experience, and so what if he was known as Duncan Disorderly because of his on-field and off-field antics, and so what if he doesn't win us the league (seriously, we all know that will never happen until we get our very own billionaire in charge of the club).
But just imagine the fun we would have along the way with Duncan in the dugout. So here are my top 10 reasons as to why the big man should be given a crack at the Everton job!
1. The man bleeds Everton
It's old football cliche, but when it comes to Ferguson you just know that he would give his heart and soul to the Everton cause.In a game full of mercenaries, here is one guy we could rely on to show as much passion about that royal blue jersey as every single fan in the Gwladys Street end.
Here is a man who has permanently inked himself with the famous number 9 and our glorious latin motto nothing but the best is good enough. He knows what it means to pull on the Everton shirt, and he would sure as hell make sure every single player in that dressing room knew what it meant as well. 2. He loves beating Liverpool If there was one thing about the David Moyes era that most Evertonian's are disappointed about, it's that our record against that lot from across the park was not great. But if one player loved beating Liverpool more than any other, it was Big Dunc! He stole our hearts with his towering header back in 1994, and not once was he on the losing side in his first eight outings against the Kopites. (Granted his record wasn't brilliant when he returned to the club after his brief spell at Newcastle, but we'll glaze over that fact...!)
In total Duncan scored 5 times in 19 outings against Liverpool (for Everton and Newcastle), and who wouldn't love to see the big man racing down the touchline, flashing that famous tattoo at the reds fans after he has lead Everton to victory in his first derby game as manager? 3. We need to get a choke hold on those clubs around us
We finished the 2012/13 season in sixth place - 10 points behind 4th placed Arsenal, nine points behind Spurs in fifth, and 14 points ahead of West Brom who finished eighth. It means that as things stand Everton are in this bizarre, and quite frankly boring, situation where we are battling Liverpool (who finished two points behind us) for the 6th and 7th league position. We've finished above them two seasons running now - time to move on to bigger things!
Tottenham narrowly missed out on that final Champions League space by just one point, and we now must be aiming to close that gap. And who else better to frighten the life out of the team from North London than Duncan Ferguson. Picture the scene as the Spurs assistant manager, Stefan Freund, sees one of his footballing nightmares makes a return to White Hart Lane. Do you think he'd want to go toe-to-toe with Ferguson on the touchline over any contentious decisions?
Cast your mind back to March 2004 when Everton traveled to Leicester City. Ferguson, already on a yellow, received his marching orders four minutes into the second half following a tangle with the German. His response to the dismissal remains one of Duncan's most iconic images - by grabbing Freund around the neck and throttling him!
4. He knows how to rattle the biggest team in the country
Manchester United are the biggest club in the land, perhaps even the world. But that doesn't mean anything to Big Dunc! Seven times Ferguson scored against the Red Devils - more than any other club he played against. If we are to make a serious push for those Champions League places then we need to make sure when we play big teams like United our players don't shrink and are up for the fight.
Ferguson's seventh and final career goal against United came back in 2005 in that famous 1-0 victory over Manchester United on a night when Goodison Park was rocking. Those three points would help the blues to go on and secure 4th spot that season and Champions League football for the first time in the clubs history.
5. He's Scottish, he's a striker, and his name is Ferguson!
Manchester United might like to believe that by appointing David Moyes as their new manager they have secured the next Sir Alex Ferguson in waiting, but we all know the true Fergie successor has been working with our Academy. Dont't we?!
Okay, we are talking about some huge boots to fill - especially for someone with no previous managerial experience - but we all know how good Scottish managers are (tick), we probably all agree that Moyes tended to lean towards the cautious and defensive side due to his playing days as a defender so why not give a striker (like Sir Alex was) a go this time (tick), and his name is Ferguson (tick!). That'll do for me.
6. He knows how important it is to keep Everton in the city
A new ground is vital if we are to move forward as a club, but equally important for the new manager to understand is why the fans are so passionate about keeping Everton in the city.During a rare public statement in 2007, Ferguson has pledged his support to the "Keep Everton in Our City" campaign when he said:
"During my time at Everton, Goodison Park came to feel like a second home, with the supporters of the club, and the people of the city becoming a second family to me. If you were to take Everton out of the City, I firmly believe the club could no longer call itself the 'People's Club' and I give my whole-hearted support to the campaign to keep Everton in the City."
7. He would not stand of any prima donna's
The modern footballer is rich, flash, and act like they are untouchable. As fans we hear countless tales of players acting up or throwing their weight around. A football manager needs to be able to control his players and make sure they toe the line.
You just have to listen to some of the tributes paid to Ferguson from his fellow playing-day pro's to know that he would instantly command respect. And for those who were brave (or stupid) enough to try and take him on, you just have to look at Jimmy Bullard's expression to know that it wouldn't be the best thing to do (or perhaps ask the two burglars who Ferguson tackled at his home in 2001)!
8. Youth is key
Having worked at Finch Farm for the last 2/3 seasons, Duncan Ferguson is familiar with the youth set-up and the importance of bringing young players through at Everton (especially as we have no bloody money!). There are some exciting players coming through the ranks at the moment, including George Green, John Stones, and striker Chris Long, who won the club's Academy Player of the Year award.
Long was quick to praise Big Dunc's input on the coaching ground for his form this season. "It is incredible to have Duncan Ferguson as a coach," Long said. "Working with him every day on the training field has really improved my game."
9. The fans already love him
Duncan Ferguson already enjoys a God-like status amongst the Goodison faithful, so the fans would be willing to afford him a bit more time to stamp his game plan on the club.The bond between fans and the team has always been a cornerstone to the clubs ethos, and bar David Moyes, our most successful managers have been ex-Evertonians.
Harry Catterick, Howard Kendall, and Joe Royle all brought trophies and success to Everton having previously played for the Toffees, and it is a proud tradition which would be fantastic to continue with should Duncan Ferguson be appointed boss.
10. We miss a true number 9
No doubt David Moyes has assembled the best Everton squad we have seen at Goodison Park for many a year, but there is still one piece of the jigsaw missing - a quality striker. One of the few faults directed at Moyes during his time at the club was that he was never able to get the best out of our front men. But in Duncan we have a man who not only understands what it means to be an Everton forward, but he epitomised everything about that famous Everton number nine shirt.
And who knows, there is a certain former Evertonian who is not very happy at his current club and just happens to not only be great friends with Big Dunc, but also worshiped him as a player. What a reunion that would be!
As a treat to all my fellow Evertonian's, you can download my debut comedy eBook The Drought for free by visiting this link and using the code WA65Y.
So instead I decided to look back with on that 12-months of my life and select my favourite blog posts about my time on the open mic stand-up comedy scene. So here you go - I hope you enjoy my...
Top 10 Favourite Open Mic Comedy Posts
9 SEPTEMBER 2011: DIARY ENTRY #34 1. The Return of the Dwarf and a fond farewell to Openmic Matt at The Railway!
My all-time favourite venue to gig was The Railway in Streatham Common. I met some great people and comedians there, and of course the legendary promoter Openmic Matt. This was the last night Matt promoted at The Railway and probably the best.
8 DECEMBER 2011: DIARY ENTRY #50 2. Close, but no cigar... or a winners medal!
After my 50th gig and first 12-months on the circuit, I finished runner-up in the final of Great Comedy Night's Golden Jester comedy competition. It was a great way to end the year, but I would ultimately decide that I wouldn't continue pursuing a stand-up career.
5 OCTOBER 2011: DIARY ENTRY #40 3. Top night at Dirty Dicks!
I had been performing for 10 months and had just got through to the semi-finals of the Golden Jester. I was starting to get down a good 5-minute set, and then one night at Dirty Dicks it all clicked into place and luckily the night was filmed so I can always look back and think I did alright!
15 SEPTEMBER 2010: DIARY ENTRY #3 4. What a blast!
Although I didn't start to regularly appear on the open mic comedy circuit until January 2011, my first official gig was four months earlier. I took a big crowd down to the Cavendish Arms in Stockwell and thought I had made. I'd learn soon enough comedy wasn't that easy!
8 JUNE 2012: DIARY ENTRY #53 5. Back with a bang baby!
Three months after I had performed my last stand-up gig, I was asked by a friend if I was take part in a charity night she was hosting in London Bridge. Professional comedian Rob Beckett was on the bill, and it turned out to be one of my most favourite gigs ever!
8 APRIL 2011: DIARY ENTRY #13 6. RIP Steven Scaffardi - the night I died on stage
As every comedian will tell you, there are going to be nights when you bomb on stage. The first - and worst - time it happened to me would come in my 10th gig. It was awful but I learned something important that night - don't get blind drunk and go on stage!
15 SEPTEMBER 2012: DIARY ENTRY #55 7. Open mic comedians - where are they now? The girls
Gemma Beagley encouraged me to go down to the Cavendish Arms to give comedy a go, and she is still going strong on the circuit, along with some other very funny laides I met along the way such as Harriett Kemsley and Naomi Hefter.
16 DECEMBER 2011: DIARY ENTRY #51 8. The Next Big Thing?
After just a week of deciding I was going to take a break from stand-up comedy, I found myself taking part in the Next Big Thing corporate entertainment talent conest in the bright lights of the West End, and I only ended up advancing to the semi-finals of the bloody thing!
14 SEPTEMBER 2012: DIARY ENTRY #54 9. Diary of a stand-up comedian... two years on
I like this post because I think it sums up my time spent on the open mic stand-up comedy circuit. It's not easy getting up on that stage, especially on nights when drunk Irish hecklers label you parts of the female anatomy, but I look back fondly on those memories and wouldn't change them for the world!
16 SEPTEMBER 2012: DIARY ENTRY #56 10. Open mic comedians - where are they now? The boys
I couldn't give the girls a shout without giving one to the boys now could I?! I'm not surprised to see so many of them doing well, and it was difficult to limit it to just five - maybe I'll post another 'Where are they now?' in the coming weeks...
As an Everton fan the last couple of weeks have been quite difficult. David Moyes - our great leader for 11 years - is leaving to join some team who plays in red, which has left Everton searching for a new manager.
I have been glued to Sky Sports News and reviewing the latest odds on our next manager. So when Paddy Power published an article on who will be the next Everton manager, I noticed that they had 'Dutch' manager Steve McClaren in at 66-1 (too short of odds if you ask me!) and this is how they build the pros and cons for him:
The case for:
- May actually be a good manager
- Experienced in British and European football
The case against:
- Hasn’t been a success everywhere he’s gone
- Always comes across like a bit of a nob
Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #54
Last December at the office Christmas party it was decided we were going to have a bit of a Britain's Got Talent theme, which basically meant someone was going to bring in their karaoke machine from home. At the end of the evening it was suggested that I got up and did a short comedy set, seeing as no one in the office had seen me do my comedy before.
Despite the fact I hadn't performed since June 2012, I decided a quick impromptu gig would do no harm, especially as the 30 or so people gathered in the office were fairly pissed at this point and would have laughed if I'd got up in front of them and asked them to pull my finger.
Fast forward another five months and once again I got asked if I'd put my so-called comedy skills to the test again, and this time at an actual work function for clients. Like most companies, we are trying to pull in the purse strings so getting someone from the office to step in and do the entertainment seemed like a good idea at the time.
The work event in question was a media training scheme for media agencies, media owners, and advertisers. We had 35 of the brightest minds from media - from companies such as Zenith Optimedia, MEC Global, Mediacom, Havas, Euronews, Financial Times, and the BBC- attend a two-day training course in Hertfordshire.
After the first day of training we wanted the delegates to wind down, so we put on a pub styled quiz night with yours truly as the host of the evening. Granted some of my material was out of date, but I felt confident I could pull it off. Hell, I even threw in some new material about the advertising world to try and make it a bit more relevant.
But within minutes of being back on that stage I realised my time in the stand-up comedy spotlight was well and truly over. My joke about how bad the Brad Pitt Chanel advert was was met with near total silence, whilst my attempt to describe how a Stella Artois ad campaign around the theme of 'Wife Beater' would be hilarious was anything but that.
Don't move Scaffardi! You're jokes are so bad they're illegal!
What this made me realise was that stand-up comedy requires a lot of work; work I had not put in for over a year. The fact I foolishly believed I could simply get back up that stage with jokes about the London riots from 2011 (material a good two years out of date!) was probably the funniest thing about my set, in an ironic way.
The biggest laugh of the night came when I joked that they had laughed the hardest at the fact that I had died and bombed on stage. That in itself told me everything I needed to know! Back in 2011 when I spent 12 months on the open mic circuit was great fun, and it helped me promote my book at the time, but now it is time for me to stop calling myself a stand-up comedian. I'm a failed trainee stand-up comedian at best!
I'll never forget the memories and experiences of stand-up comedy, but unless I'm prepared to put the work in then it is not fair that I continue to call myself a comedian.
Before you all celebrate, you won't be getting rid of me that easily! I'll still be working on my second novel, and writing down my ramblings on this here blog, but I'll be less inclined to reference myself as a comedian anytime soon!
But just one last thing before I ride off into the sunset with my poor comedic judgment between my legs, let me at least remember a time when I was on the verge of being funny...
You can download my debut comedy eBook The Drought for free by visiting this link and using the code WA65Y.
Yesterday saw the launch of the first ever YouTube Comedy Week. For the next seven days stand-up comedians from both sides of the pond will be pouring out their funny little hearts all for our viewing pleasure.
I was particularly excited about the return of David Brent! Ricky Gervais revives Slough's very own chilled-out entertainer for the first time in a long-running series since The Office ended in 2003. Gervais has previously brought Brent back in cameo roles, but fans will now be treated to a prolonged run of Brentisms in 'Learn Guitar with David Brent'.
Brent kicked off in typical cringe-worthy style today as he treated fans to 'Life on the Road' - a song about his sales repping job.
"I've always been mad," he jokes as he comments on his return, but in classic awkward Brent style puts his politically incorrect foot in it by elaborating: "I don't mean I've suffered mental illness. I haven't touch wood. I wouldn't joke about that. I do know people who have suffered mental illness and they are no fun to be around."
So it has been another fantastic evening for Chelsea fans as they secured their second consecutive piece of European silverware with their last-gasp victory at the Amsterdam ArenA against Benfica, and they owe it all to one man...
John Terry!
It doesn't matter than Fernando Torres turned back the clock and looked like the goal machine of old that used to terrorise defences up and down Europe. And it doesn't matter that Branislav Ivanovic put the disappointment of not being able to play in last season's Champions League cup final behind him by scoring a dramatic late winner.
Because the one thing that everyone associated with Chelsea - the players, fans, and staff - wanted to see was John Terry put his kit on and unashamedly celebrate and party like it was 1999! Again! That's correct, not to be outdone by last year's photobombing in Munich, JT was up to his old tricks when he donned the full Chelsea kit to go up and collect his medal and the trophy (notice that Eden Hazard and Demba Ba did not shed their suits to do the same...).
This Tweet from @Now__Football summed up the thoughts of footy fans everywhere when they posted: Apparently John Terry spent £45 on a replica Benfica shirt today... Just in case.
For those of you who missed Chelsea's 2-1 victory over Benfica tonight, here is the story of how John Terry won the Europa League...
Ever wondered why we are so shit at the Eurovision Song Contest? The answer is simple - because we lack the passion to connect with the lyrics. Instead of happy shiny smiling faces jumping up and down on that stagethe stage, we need a singer who means every single word they are singing and sings from the heart. We can't mess around here people! Do you think Moldova would send someone out on to that stage without the fire in their belly?
And for that reason I nominate this man to be the UK entry for the Eurovision song contest; for this year and every year thereafter. Listen out for my all-time favourite line of this song at 2 minutes 12 seconds. Pure genius. Take it away my son....!
Tonight marked the final Monday Night Football programme of the 2012/13 season, and like most football fans - I have grown a bit of a man crush on Gary Neville. His honest and detailed assessments, his refreshing and insightful analysis of matches, and of course his ability to work a bit of technology quicker than Andy Gray could say 'take a bow son' has seen the self-confessed Red Nev make a U-turn in the eyes of the footballing public.
But after watching tonight's match between Sunderland and Stoke, and listening to Gary's post match analysis, something sprang to mind... Gary has a touch of the Karl Pilkington's about him, and I'm not just talking about the fact they are both from Manchester.
Some of his quotes this season could have been straight out of an episode of An Idiot Abroad. Here is a selection of quips from both Neville and Pilkington. See if you can guess who said what (answers below and post your score in the comments section)...
If you are looking for a funny book about dating - and in particular dating disasters - then look no further than The Drought. Readers on Amazon and Goodreads have been posting hugely positive reviews recently, with most pointing out the hilarious and truly cringe-worthy moments that crop up in this lad lit adventure!
It's the ultimate climax to the season; a nail-biting nervous finale to the Championship. In the blink of an eye, a goalkeeping error in the game between Watford and Leeds in the dying seconds all but guarantees automatic promotion for Hull City. The players watching on from the tunnel naturally go crazy, leaping on top of each other in pure joy.
But wait. You want to do something different; something that will make you stand out from the rest. After all, the football world is watching, and this is a scene that will live long in the memory. You only have to look at the iconic images from last years Olympics of Usain Bolt's famous lightning bolt pose and Mo Farah's Mobot to understand how such a moment can separate you from the rest.
Unfortunately, your name is Ahmed Elmohamady and upon realising that promotion is now a reality, you decide to skank out like Frankenstein on acid and you do this...
Check out the the list of quotes below. Do you recognise any of them? Think you know which two famous Mancunian's made these quotes? Need to know more about the men who said these awesome words of wisdom?!
Then what are you waiting for?! Click here to find out who these quotes belong to, and then take the quiz to put your knowledge to the test!
And if you enjoy the quiz, make sure to tell your friends about it and see who comes out on top!
MANCUNIAN QUOTES! 1. It's more a pint of bitter than a Peach Bellini. 2. It's just easier to put stuff off
once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didn't have a date you'd
have to do everything straight away. 3. By 78 you've done everything
you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78
you're not going to do it. 4. I walk into a supermarket and see a 3 for 1. First off, I wonder what's wrong with it? Then I check the sell by date. 5. I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff. 6. It was like me having to clap burglars into my own home. 7. I still can't work out what happened. It's either an accident, a big accident, or a jail sentence. 8. I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it
and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us
another book'. 9. You can't describe it as being a nice feeling. It's like an out of body experience. 10. It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep. 11. If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it? 12. You build up to it, don't you?
You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? Hows it going?". You
get on and that and then a little baby pops out. 13. One thing you're guaranteed to
hear when you come to Italy: 'Awww, this pasta is fantastic.' Really? No
different than spaghetti hoops in a tin for me. 14. You can't go out in London and buy a steak and it's the same as a deposit on a small house in Bury! 15. We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about. 16. It's a circus, and every time I've been to a circus, I always see some clowns, and he is one. 17. You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge. 18. You can eat three sausage butties, but the third one won't taste as good as the first. 19. It's like a sausage machine that just churns out more mincemeat rather than sausages. 20. The best way to catch a tiger is not always to shout at it. 21. If your brain was in your foot it would take you ages to say anything. 22. The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.' 23. Two wrongs don't make a right. He got the first one wrong... And he got the second one wrong... He got them both wrong. 24. He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off. 25. We've gone too far. 20 years
ago you put milk into your coffee and it was a milky coffee. It wasn't a
latte or a frappuccino. 26. They say it all started out with a
big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem
big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time? 27. You won't get anything done by planning. 28. Look at his eyes. He stares at him for 5-6 seconds. It's not because he fancies him, believe me. 29. Stop looking at the walls, look out the window. 30. The country is changing. 20 years ago bread got brought into a restaurant with a lump of butter. Now
you get olives, oil, and vinegar.
Buying a present for that special man in your life is never easy. I should know - I've had some pretty terrible presents bought for me over the years. Girls, let me be clear right now - we don't want socks or a framed picture of you. We want manly gifts dammit!
So I thought I would come to the rescue and list the top 10 gifts that men really want. There really is no need to thank me, unless of course you want to buy me a gift, in which case I personally recommend gift number 6! Or if you are having relationship problems, you could always give me your number?
So whether you are buying a gift for your husband, boyfriend, brother, dad, or perhaps even your bit of the side, you do not need to look any further. These present ideas are ideal for Christmas, birthdays, and Bar Mitzvah's, and they are guaranteed to make the man in your life love you a little bit more this year!
Classic Playboy covers
1. Framed Playboy front cover prints
Playboy has played a major part in every man's life. For most of us, Playboy introduced the female form to many a young boy, and made for some fantastic on the toilet reading. Buying your man a print of his favourite Playboy front cover will bring flooding back all of those nostalgic memories from his youth. And here is an idea - if you are buying it as a birthday present, then why not get the front cover from the exact month and year that he was born! That shows that you really care.
2. Talking Scarface Tony Montana doll
How many times have you heard your man say "Come say hello to my little friend" just before a bout of bump and grinding? Al Pacino's immortal line from the 1983 classic Brian De Palma film spans generations. Watching Scarface is like a rite of passage for men, and being able to imitate some of the brilliant phrases from this gangster flick is pure joy amongst a group of lads.
So what better gift to buy your man than this talking action figurine of the Cuban legend himself?! Check out Iconic Collectables or do a quick search on eBay to find one today!
"Yo, Adrian! Have you seen
my dressing gown?"
3. Rocky Balboa dressing gown/bath robe
Show me a man that isn't a fan of the Rocky films and I'll show you a southpaw right-handed jab to the face! Nothing says class like a black and gold trimmed robe. Imagine waking up and seeing your man parading around in this immaculate piece of bedtime lounge clothing. And then imagine the moment when he turns around to reveal the Italian Stallion motif. If that doesn't set your pulse racing for a bit of early morning bed boxing, then I don't know what will!
Menkind.co.uk do a great deal on this little piece of must-have clothing!
So many great memories...
So many Kleenex sales...
4. Baywatch DVD boxset
Long before the internet came along and gave us open access to hot women at the click of a mouse, a legend by the name of David Hasselhoff brought it direct to our TV screens every week! Back then, I was lucky that my folks had bought me a TV for my bedroom, so every Saturday I would lock myself in my room and enjoy a bit of Palmala Handerson time if you catch my drift! Allowing your fella to look back on all of those golden moments in a tight red swimsuit makes this the ultimate DVD boxset for men!
The Classic Movie Store were offering a discount on this bad boy last time I checked, and you can always give Amazon a go if all else fails.
The must-have summer male clothing range!
Which size will you choose?
5. The Willykini
Ever since a blog was posted on this site about the Willykini, the page views have gone through the roof! Literally thousands of you have been searching for this summer's must-have item of beachwear. Last year it was all about the Mankini, but 2013 is definitely the year for the Willykini! Just take a look at the picture on the left and imagine your man parading up and down the beach in Marbella or Faliraki in one of these.
The Willykini Facebook page have said that they will be stocking Willykini's as of June 1st.
Jack gives The Drought a
big thumbs up!
6. The Drought by Steven Scaffardi
The ultimate dating disaster story! Here is a book by a man for men, and it only stars yours truly! What more do I have to say? The Drought has already been hailed as one of the funniest books ever written and reviewers on Goodreads and Amazon are falling over themselves to praise the story about one man's struggle to overcome the throes of a sexual drought. If your man is sick and tired of your chick lit novels and rom com movies, then buy him a copy of this hilarious novel and get back into his good books!
The Drought is available in paperback on Amazon and can also be downloaded on eReaders at most good bookstores for less than a quid! Bargain.
The best way to wake a man
with morning glory!
7. Pole Dancer Alarm Clock
Men have always preferred a certain way of being woken up by their girlfriends, but in the extreme case that you are suffering from tongue fatigue, then this alarm clock is surely the next best thing. It is a well known scientific fact that men must experience at least one lap dance by the age of 21 otherwise he is liable to turn to dust. If it jiggles, then we need to ogle. We can't help it, it is in a genetic make-up.
You can pick yours up at Gadget Bargains and if you are feeling really giving then a lifetime membership card at Spearmint Rhinos would be a right touch!
Just imagine how good this would
look on the living room wall
8. Signed sports memorabilia
You know that joke about how men would choose their football team over their wife or girlfriend? Well, it's not a joke. We would sell our own mother if it meant our team won the league title. When a man moves in with a woman, part of him clings on to the hope that one day he'll have a signed 1970 Brazil shirt signed by the whole World Cup winning squad hanging on the living room wall instead of that crappy canvas flower printyou insisted we buy from B&Q.
So stop being so damn selfish and give your man what he wants by buying him a little piece of sporting history. Icons.com is not a bad place to start or you can pick up bargains on eBay.
Learn how to cook -
Mafia style!
9. The Wiseguy Cookbook
We all know that men make the best cooks, right? So why not get your man in the kitchen with Goodfella Henry Hill's favorite recipes. Hill was the mobster-turned-rat portrayed in Martin Scorsese's iconic mafia movie starring Ray Liotta and Robert De Niro, and this cookbook lists all his favourite dishes, including the prison dinner meatballs. So if you want to get your man's taste buds tantalising, then avoid Nigel Slater at all costs and make sure you serve up a plate of spaghetti fit for a gangster! Amazon once again provides a good starting point for this book, and if your man is not the Goodfellas type, then he is sure to love Wookie Cookies in the Star Wars Cookbook!
Give your man hours of nostalgic fun
10. Sensible Soccer Plug 'n' Play
Don't worry about having to splash out hundreds of pounds of the latest Xbox or PlayStation. Long before Fifa and Pro Evolution Soccer came along, there was only one football game that mattered. Sensible Soccer. Utter those two words to any man and it is likely to bring a tear of joy to their eyes as they reminisce about the amazing times they had controlling a bunch of small dots that lost the ball if you changed direction, all played from a birds eye angled view.
This is the gift that your man can take anywhere and it will keep him happy for days. Firebox, Amazon, and eBay still stock this wonderful piece of gaming history!
