Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Top 10 reasons why Vince McMahon should buy Newcastle United

Rumours have been flying around on the internet today that billionaire WWE owner Vince McMahon is set to become the latest American to buy an English football club with Newcastle United firmly in his sights!

Just imagine how awesome it would be if Vince actually did decide to take that giant leap across the pond to dip his toe in Premier League waters. And there were Geordie fans thinking they had a circus on their hands with Mike Ashley in charge! If this happens then I want someone to tell me immediately as I'll be first in queue for a season ticket and here's why...

Top 10 Reasons Why Vince McMahon Should Buy Newcastle United

WWE, referees, premier league, special guest referees,
10. Controversial refereeing decisions would go through the roof
Whether you love them or loathe them, one of the biggest talking points in the boozer at 5.30pm on a Saturday are the refereeing decisions that have affected the game we love.

Imagine what would happen if you threw in the odd WWE official to rule over a game. They already wear the barcodes of Newcastle so surely it wouldn't be long until Vince had them in charge of all the games down at St James Park. And instead of missing clear-cut penalty shouts or poor offside decisions, we'd have referees knocked unconscious and missing goals or the odd ex player turning up as a special guest referee (Vinnie Jones anyone?!).

WWE, Divas, Geordie Shore, Geordie Shore Girls naked, Geordie Shore sexy,
9. Newcastle already have their very own Diva's in place
The WWE has always been home some scantily clad women who cat-fight inside the squared circle for our entertainment and in those lasses from Geordie Shore Vince already had his very own ready-made Newcastle Diva's ready to tear things up.

Imagine the chaos that would ensue when these girls turn up and clash with the WAGs, especially after the latest tabloid sensation involving a married footballer and one of the Geordie Shore girls. That has the ultimate pillow fighting slumber match written all over it! That is Pay-Per-View gold in my book (that or late night soft porn)!

Vince McMahon, Newcastle, WWE, Vince McMahon buys Newcastle FC,
8. You need passionate fans
Newcastle fans have often been called the most passionate of football fans in all the land which is just as well because they'll need that to match the average WWE audience. Combine the topless beer-bellied fans of the Magpies with the banner waving wrestling junkie and you'll have a carnival atmosphere at St James Park every week.

And lets not forget WWE fans are a sucker for a great chant. What?! I said WWE fans are a sucker for a good chant. What?! Did you see what I did there? Of course you did!

Wayne Rooney, WWE, Promo, interviews, crap football interviews, bad football interviews,
7. Players would have to cut amazing promo interviews
In the modern age of wrestling the WWE superstars are judged not only on their grappling skills but also how good they are at cutting promo's. We pay good money Sky Sports and BT Sports to watch their coverage of the Premier League and we deserve more than a monotone Steven Gerrard going through the motions. We want effort damn it! Imagine Wayne Rooney bitch-slapping Geoff Shreeves, calling out Joey Barton, and then asking the fans if they can smell what Coleen is cooking!

Zinedine Zidane, headbutt, World Cup 2006,
6. Players could have their very own unique finishing moves
There is nothing quite like the excitement you feel when you know your favourite WWE superstar is about to pull out their signature move to finish the match, so why shouldn't footballers have a move to get the fans going?

We could have had the Steve Stone Stunner, or the Neil Ruddock Big Belly Splash, and Zinedine Zidane certainly would not have finished his career in shame if the People's Headbutt was something we'd been waiting to see!

Cockney Mafia, Vince McMahon, WWE, Newcastle,
5. Vince could run the Cockney Mafia out of town
There is nothing like a good feud in the WWE, and if there is one way to win over the Geordie fans then Vince could do a lot worse than start his tenure as the new Newcastle owner than feuding with the Cockney Mafia and sending them packing! And why not go the whole hog and bring back Degeneration X to get the job done?

Roman Abramovich, Sheikh Mansour, Vince McMahon, WWE, Newcastle,
4. Vince could go head to head with the other billionaire owners
Vince McMahon is no stranger to taking on the rich and powerful. In the 1990s he went head to head with media mogul Ted Turner when the WWE (then WWF) won the ratings war against arch rivals WCW, and more recently at Wrestlemania he took on Donald Trump in the ring. So Vince would have no problem dealing with football boardroom battles with the likes of Roman Abramovich or Sheikh Mansour. In fact, Mr McMahon would probably revel in pitting his wits against his billionaire foes and who wouldn't want to see the three of them battle it out in the main event of Money In The Bank! Throw in the odd Vincent Tan and tag teams like The Venky Brothers and you already have the perfect WWE circus in waiting.

Alan Shearer, Vince McMahon, Newcastle, one hand slaure, celebration, WWE
3. Alan Shearer and the one handed salute could make a comeback
If Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair can still turn up in spandex and throw themselves around a wrestling ring at the combined age of 319 years old, then Alan Shearer can certainly don the black and white of the Toon one last time! Some of the greatest WWE storylines have been based on great comebacks and surely Vince would be able to create the greatest and most flamboyant comeback in football history. Imagine this - one minute Alan Shearer is sitting on the MoTD set watching his beloved Newcastle lose another game. The next thing he snaps and punches Robbie Savage, rips open his shirt to reveal the famous barcodes and sprints off towards St James Park where he runs on to the pitch and nods in the winner home against Sunderland in injury time. Now that's what you call a comeback!

Joe Kinnear, Newcastle, Cockney Mafia, Vince McMahon, WWE, Joe The Volcano,2. Joe Kinnear would almost certainly turn-up as General Manager on Smackdown
You can't keep a good man down and when you have the sort of contacts that Joe Kinnear's got, then we would undoubtedly see the legend make a return. Granted it might not be a football stadium near you anytime soon, but this man would be a box office smash if he traded football for wrestling and turned up as the latest General Manager on Smackdown as the ultimate bad guy.

Think about it - the fans would hate him instantly, we'd have some great comical moments when he gets all of the wrestler's names wrong and RAW certainly wouldn't have to worry about him signing any of their talent! And the media have already given him the perfect wrestling name - Joe The Volcano!

Vince McMahon, Newcastle, WWE, starting XI,
1. Imagine the Newcastle team line-up! 
Forget Barcelona or Bayern Munich, this Newcastle First XI would strike fear into hearts of any team they faced. I'd like to see Cristiano Ronaldo complain after The Big Show has just clattered into him from behind! And they'd have to re-write the rule book with this lot as the professional foul turns into a suplex off the corner flag!