This is an official book excerpt from comedy novel The Drought.
This taken from Chapter 7: First Date, when our hero Dan is preparing
to go on his first date since the break-up with his long-term girlfriend
Stacey. Dan is a little nervous and asks his three best friends for
advice. To watch a video with advice for how to behave on a first date, then check out "Perfecting the First Date" and watch the video clip!
The Drought, Chapter 7: First Date
This was the first date
I’d been on in over three years. After being with one person for so
long, it was almost like I had no recollection of the rules of dating.
Luckily
though, the boys had been on hand during the course of the week and
were kind enough to offer their expertise on first dates, and how to
impress a girl.
Where to take her:
Rob:
Too many guys take girls to the cinema on a first date, but that is no
good. You want to go somewhere where you can talk and get to know each
other. You can’t go too wrong with a romantic dinner. But don’t take her
to Burger King for crying out loud.
Ollie:
There is that new Kung-Fu film on at the cinema. I bet she’d like that.
Or even better, take her to a horror because she’ll be all over you. You
might even cop a feel in the back row.
Jack: Wherever
you go, make sure you arrange to meet somewhere out in the open so you
can get a good look at her beforehand. I’m sure Grace is a good-looking
girl, but we all had our beer goggles on that night. She could be a
right old bow-wow. In which case, ditch her there and then. Give me a
call and we’ll go for a beer instead.
Start of the date:
Rob:
Make sure you arrive early and compliment her. Tell her how fantastic
she looks before you say anything else. Girls love compliments, but
don’t go too overboard because they will start to lose their effect, and
you’ll come across as a desperado.
Ollie: Get a
few shots in; it will help you relax. But don’t have too many, you
don’t want to get drunk too early. Seven or eight shots should do the
trick. Maybe drink a pint of milk before you go out just to line your
stomach. Or maybe a dairy-based alcoholic beverage like Eggnog. That
will kill two birds with one stone!
Jack: Don’t
play your cards too early – keep a few aces up your sleeve. You don’t
want to slip a Manchester United shirt on and call yourself Roy Keane.
Girls hate it when guys are too keen. The last thing you want to do is
be hanging on her every word and come across too Roy.
During the date:
Rob:
Listen to her and ask questions. Keep your focus, attention, and
conversation solely on her. Be interested in what she has to say and get
to know her. Make her feel like she is the only person in the room that
really matters. But don’t stare at her tits though; unless she
encourages that sort of thing. If she does – winner!
Ollie:
I would advise against farting in front of her. The only time you can
really do that is after you have slept with her a few times and then you
can trap her head under the covers. She is officially your girlfriend
when you get to the stage of forcing her head into the Dutch oven.
Jack:
Make sure you crack a few jokes throughout the date. Birds love a guy
with a good sense of humour. Say things like, “Want to come back to mine
for pizza and sex? Why not? Don’t you like pizza?” She'll be all over
you mate, trust me.
The end of the date:
Rob:
Some girls don’t kiss on the first date; some will be disappointed if
you don’t at least try to kiss her goodnight. There is no easy answer
for this one. You’ll have to try and gauge the situation from her body
language and go on your gut instinct. Not once have I ever failed to get
a goodnight kiss, but this is you we’re talking about.
Ollie: I insist on two things when I go back to a girl’s flat: a cooked breakfast in the morning, and a lift home.
Jack: If she bites it, smack her.
Loaded with such brilliant advice, how could things possibly go wrong?
