The comedy boots well and truly hung up!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #54
Last December at the office Christmas party it was decided we were going to have a bit of a Britain's Got Talent theme, which basically meant someone was going to bring in their karaoke machine from home. At the end of the evening it was suggested that I got up and did a short comedy set, seeing as no one in the office had seen me do my comedy before.

Despite the fact I hadn't performed since June 2012, I decided a quick impromptu gig would do no harm, especially as the 30 or so people gathered in the office were fairly pissed at this point and would have laughed if I'd got up in front of them and asked them to pull my finger.

Fast forward another five months and once again I got asked if I'd put my so-called comedy skills to the test again, and this time at an actual work function for clients. Like most companies, we are trying to pull in the purse strings so getting someone from the office to step in and do the entertainment seemed like a good idea at the time.

The work event in question was a media training scheme for media agencies, media owners, and advertisers. We had 35 of the brightest minds from media - from companies such as Zenith Optimedia, MEC Global, Mediacom, Havas, Euronews, Financial Times, and the BBC- attend a two-day training course in Hertfordshire.

After the first day of training we wanted the delegates to wind down, so we put on a pub styled quiz night with yours truly as the host of the evening. Granted some of my material was out of date, but I felt confident I could pull it off. Hell, I even threw in some new material about the advertising world to try and make it a bit more relevant.

But within minutes of being back on that stage I realised my time in the stand-up comedy spotlight was well and truly over. My joke about how bad the Brad Pitt Chanel advert was was met with near total silence, whilst my attempt to describe how a Stella Artois ad campaign around the theme of 'Wife Beater' would be hilarious was anything but that.

Don't move Scaffardi! You're jokes are so bad they're illegal!

What this made me realise was that stand-up comedy requires a lot of work; work I had not put in for over a year. The fact I foolishly believed I could simply get back up that stage with jokes about the London riots from 2011 (material a good two years out of date!) was probably the funniest thing about my set, in an ironic way.

The biggest laugh of the night came when I joked that they had laughed the hardest at the fact that I had died and bombed on stage. That in itself told me everything I needed to know! Back in 2011 when I spent 12 months on the open mic circuit was great fun, and it helped me promote my book at the time, but now it is time for me to stop calling myself a stand-up comedian. I'm a failed trainee stand-up comedian at best!

I'll never forget the memories and experiences of stand-up comedy, but unless I'm prepared to put the work in then it is not fair that I continue to call myself a comedian.

Before you all celebrate, you won't be getting rid of me that easily! I'll still be working on my second novel, and writing down my ramblings on this here blog, but I'll be less inclined to reference myself as a comedian anytime soon!

But just one last thing before I ride off into the sunset with my poor comedic judgment between my legs, let me at least remember a time when I was on the verge of being funny...

You can download my debut comedy eBook The Drought for free by visiting this link and using the code WA65Y.

Jack's view on.. How to text girls

I love being part of the Google generation. When I think about what it must have been like in the old days, I shiver at the thought of living in a world without modern technology. Where would we be without men like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg? These men are nothing less than Gods in my eyes. Imagine what the world would be like without their vision. Seriously, just think about it for a second...

It's a scary thought eh? Because without these men, there would be no internet which means no easy access to 24/7 porn. And that would also mean that there would be no dating sites - a place where women basically put themselves in a shop window; letting us men know that basically they would like a bit of action (all disguised as looking for the right person).

And before you start accusing me of being a chauvinistic pig and showing ignorance in the face of genius, you had better check your facts first - because I'll think you'll find that Mr Zuckerberg created Facebook for men to rate women on their appearance. So before you go around judging me, you think about that next time you are on Facebook 'Liking' someone's photo; because if ever there was a way of letting someone know you would like to jump in bed with them, it's that simple click of the mouse to give their latest profile picture the thumbs up. And don't even get me started on the fact you can Poke someone on Facebook. There have been more pokes on Facebook than there is on Ron Jeremy's CV.

But there is one piece of technology that still stands the test of time for me, and that my friends is texting. It is no coincidence that text rhymes with sex because if anything lends itself to helping us guys get friendly with the female of species in the most comfortable of all environments, it is the art of texting.

With texting, there is no fear of face-to-face rejection. You don't have to awkwardly approach a girl who is surrounded by a gaggle of friends. And you always feel 10 times more confident to get a bit Hollywood and text the sort of things you would only dream of saying in person.

You just need to make sure you get your texting technique right. For example, drunken texts only work if you are both pissed. We've all been there haven't we lads - you have one too many beers in the boozer on a Tuesday night after work, and before you know it, you're sitting at home in your pants, tube of lube in one hand, phone in the other texting your ex asking her to send you a picture of her best Sharon Stone impression.

The real art of texting is all about how you pace your conversation, making sure you pick up on the signals, and then moving in for the kill. And that is when you will start to get the dirty stuff fellas. You want to start off with a bit of light banter just to get her going. Whatever you do don't be Roy Keen and start confessing your undying love for her. Girls hate that shit.

Once you have got the banter going, then you move on to the flirting. See how far you can push it without going too overboard, unless she is bang up for that sort of thing of course! In which case, fill your boots my son!

And finally, you then move on to what I like to call a bit of weekend texting. This is when you know she has been out on a Friday or Saturday night. Get a few flirty texts in throughout the night to gauge how pissed she is, and if you are lucky, she would have been through a bottle of Pinot Grigio like it was a jug of water by the end of the night.

That is when you move in for the kill. You want each text to be a little more risqué than the last, and before you know it she'll release the porn queen that has been hiding inside her! At this point you would be forgiven for getting a little carried away, but if you can keep your cool then all you need to do is utter those three magic little words: Send. Me. Pictures.

Jack Chatham is a character in the hilarious lad lit novel The Drought. Check it out now!

Open mic comedians - where are they now? The boys

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #56
On Friday I posted on the two-year anniversary of the day I first ever took to the stand-up comedy stage. After that little trip down memory lane, I started to wonder about all funny people I had met along the way and what might have happened to them.

Well, the internet is a  wonderful tool and here is what I found out about the boys who I used to see on the open mic stand-up comedy circuit (click here for the girls).

Golden Jester 2011 winner: Vahid Jahangard
FOLLOW VAHID ON TWITTER
I had not seen Vahid before I saw him in the Golden Jester comedy competition, but after doing a bit of research I found out at the Middle Eastern comic from Oxfordshire has actually been on the circuit since 2008. He was often described as: "Provides good solid humour with a down to earth attitude. A smart & silly sophisticated comic.”

This video clip was taken back in 2008, and after seeing his act in December in the Golden Jester final, you can now see that he had been on the circuit for a few years and had his act polished and down to a fine art. I couldn't find too much else about Vahid other than he is a 'hotly-tipped rising star' and has been working professional gigs at the Great Comedy Nights events and has been headlining a few gigs.


The giant comedian: Darren Walsh
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Darren was one of the most original comedians I saw on the open mic circuit. The guy is super talented combing his time as an actor, director, writer, animator, voice artist, and of course, comedian. He was in the final of the Golden Jester comedy competition in 2011, when I finished as runner-up. Chortle describe him as “A real crowd-pleaser, with originality and personality by the bucketload.”

A runner-up in the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year, Darren Walsh's silly happy-go-lucky style has been compared to Harry Hill, with an act that combines surreal nonsense and snippets of daft songs.


The one to watch in 2012: James Alderson
Another one of my co-finalists from the Golden Jester, James was a comedian a liked as soon as I saw him. He only took up stand-up in 2011, but he rocketed his way up the comedy charts and continues to go from strength to strength. James has moved from frequent opening spots and MC work to headlining many clubs.

James has been described by many as an ‘everyman comedian’ – women laugh at his observations and self-deprecating style, and men laugh with him, feeling his frustrations and understanding his experiences. This relationship with an audience means he is a very skilled compere as well as a popular act. James is currently filming with Objective Productions (of Peep Show & The Cube fame!) playing a major role in a brand new show called Public Eye, planned to air on Channel 4 in the Winter of 2012/2013.

The super-talented: Dan Schreiber
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Dan Schreiber is a man of many talents. Writer, producer, presenter and most notably a funny man. Dan was brought up in Hong Kong and Australia before moving to England, where at just 19 he became a question writer for the BBC TV series QI.

Dan has since jumped straight into a career with the cream of British entertainment. I saw Dan do a gig at The Old School Yard and he was head and shoulders above everyone that night, and despite that was the only time I had seen him, he was probably my favourite open mic comedian that I had the pleasure to watch on the circuit. It is no surprise to me that he is doing well.

Where have you seen this guy before...?: Steven Scaffardi
FOLLOW STEVEN ON TWITTER
So this is a little bit of shameless self-promotion, but this is my blog after all! Besides, I feel that I've done alright in the last 12 months. Reviews for my lad lit The Drought continue to get fantastic reviews from readers, and I am currently working on my second novel which I'm hoping to have out early 2013.

And after taking this little trip down memory lane, and finding out how well some of the guys I used to see on the open mic circuit are doing, I kind of that bug again to get back on the stand-up comedy bandwagon. Maybe I'll try to get one or two gigs in before the end of the year, and then in 2013, who knows...?

Diary of a stand-up comedian... two years on

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #54
Today is the two-year anniversary of the first time I ever performed stand-up comedy. I actually still have a pretty good memory of the night, which is quite an accomplishment for me seeing as I have the memory like a sieve!

I recently read Michael McIntyre's autobiography and he said when he first did stand-up comedy he didn't tell anyone as he was too afraid that he would be terrible and make a fool of himself.

I went for a slightly different approach in that I invited pretty much everyone I knew, including a few random people as well. Looking back at that video clip, and a good few clips after that one, I cringe at how bad I actually was! It's funny, in an ironic way, how funny I thought I was that night!

It has been about three months now since I last performed on the open mic stage (and I have only performed twice this year) and I contemplated today whether I really missed it.

I have to say that I don't miss hanging around after work to trek halfway across London to perform in a rundown pub, normally in front of about five people! I don't miss getting in at midnight, going to bed, working a full day, and then having to head back out to yet another comedy venue, watching the same routines from comedians I have already seen about 14 times in the last two weeks!

But despite all of that, there is one thing that overrides all of that. Because on those magical nights when everything clicks into place, and on those occasions when you had a room packed out full of people ready to laugh, there is nothing like that buzz you get from having a great set.

And in a way I miss the people. All of those crazy, strange, weird, and sometimes downright unhinged people! Even those characters who were a bit full of themselves, or the bitter comedians who hadn't quite made it and were still dragging themselves around the open mic scene waiting for that big break. Another ironic fact about stand-up comedy is that at least 50% of the comedians I met were bloody miserable, and you would be surprised how much back-stabbing goes on. It was a bit like an episode of EastEnders at times...

When you think about it, there has to be something not quite right with you in the head if you are willing to get up and perform on the most unforgiving stage of them all. Each and everyone of the characters I met along the way were certainly interesting to say the least!

I can't help but wonder how some of those guys are getting on, so I did a bit of research to find out, and you can have a look at that blog posting here. 

As for me, I would love to get back up on the stage and give it a go again, but I certainly couldn't go back to three, four, five gigs a week. Still, I think I'll always look back and be proud that I did it and for what I achieved. Not many people are brave enough to get up and try stand-up comedy, and after 50+ gigs, I know I gave it a good shot and had some great times.

I'll also always be very proud that I got through 150 other acts to make it to the final of the Golden Jester comedy competition. Sure, I probably had a bit of help due to the fact that the competition took place on my doorstep in Sutton, so I always had the advantage of a decent support behind me, but I also think I wrote a pretty funny set.

But I'll let you be the judge of that. Below is the video clip of me performing at Dirty Dicks in London in October 2011. This was the set that got me into the final of the Golden Jester and I don't mind admitting that I still giggle when I watch it.

Hopefully you will too.

Promo Trailer for The Drought: The Art of Texting the Ladies!

Stand-up comedian Steven Scaffardi offers up his insight into the art of texting the ladies! We all know that the girls love a bit of sex texting don't we lads - they can't get enough of it! And these girls who we interviewed prove just that... well, sort of! For more laddish fun about a guys point of view on relationships, check out Scaffardi's hilarious debut novel, The Drought! Available now at Amazon and all good bookshops.

Promo Trailer for The Drought: Perfecting the First Date!

Stand-up comedian Steven Scaffardi offers his wise words of wisdom on what makes the perfect first with the girls. And to back up his theories, he got a few girls to explain what they think a guy should do (or shouldn't do) on that all important first date. For more laddish fun about a guys point of view on relationships, check out Scaffardi's hilarious debut novel, The Drought! Available now at Amazon and all good bookshops.

Promo Trailer for The Drought: Do Chat-Up Lines Work?

Stand-up comedian Steven Scaffardi explains why chat-up lines are the way to a girls heart and can help you get them into bed! And these lovely young ladies clearly couldn't agree more. Pay attention boys, Scaffardi knows his stuff! For more laddish fun about a guys point of view on relationships, check out Scaffardi's hilarious debut novel, The Drought! Available now at Amazon and all good bookshops.

The dream to be the Next Big Thing comes to an end... for now!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #52
After such a fantastic response from the judges in my first round heat in the Next Big Thing talent competition, I was met with a somewhat subdued reaction from the crowd at Confex at the London Excel arena today.

The fact I had not performed in three months wasn't actually the issue though. It was more to do with the fact that I was in completely alien environment! I am used to performing in pubs and bars, but this was totally different! Despite the professional stage and being able to say I performed at the 'London Excel', I was in fact having to perform a rather risqué comedy routine in the middle of a trade show exhibition at around midday!

My anecdotes of failed encounters with the opposite sex and that dwarf story did not go down too well with business people who were there to look at how different products and services might improve their business! Still, it was a pretty cool experience and because I decided before the end of the year that I was going to take a break from the comedy scene, I wasn't too bothered when the audience gave me a pretty average score.

The talent agency Sternberg Clarke said it best on their blog when they wrote: Stand-Up Comedian Steven Scaffardi had been a crowd favourite in the first heat at Jewel for Event Magazine's Christmas Party but struggled to overcome the challenges of performing at a trade show; a lesson for any performer there - be ready to adapt to your surroundings.

I guess I won't hold my breath waiting for a call from the Plumbers Trade Show Live event to give me a call then about performing! 

Promo Trailer for The Drought: A Guide to Becoming a Player!

Stand-up comedian Steven Scaffardi knows a thing or two about the ladies, and if you want to share in his success, then you should take his advice on how to be a player. Clearly these girls back up his advice! For more laddish fun about a guys point of view on relationships, check out Scaffardi's hilarious debut novel, The Drought! Available now at Amazon and all good bookshops.

Top night at Dirty Dicks!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #40
That was a frickin' awesome night! Hot on the heels of last nights success at the Golden Jester, it was down to Dirty Dicks in the city. It's a great little venue, and every time I have been there they have had a good audience. But I have never felt that I have done myself justice there - until last night!

All of my gags went down well last night, and I even got a round of applause for the lack of female rioters joke. A couple of lads from Essex said they were nearly in tears laughing, while Brendan O'Donoghue said that I smashed it (and he was excellent finishing the show!). And to top it all off, the promoters gave me a ticket to the Scott Capurro show on October 28! That's what I call a right touch!

I also got to see some really funny acts for the first time including Dave Flynn, Naomi Hefter, Tin Vodopivec, Buster Joe Loveman, and Brendan O'Donoghue.

New Material at Touching Cloth

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #24
Back to Dirty Dicks last night for a second time and another video clip. It wasn't too bad, but could have gone a lot better. It wasn't made any easier by the fact that the whole front row disappeared after the first interval and they were the ones who were providing the biggest laughs...

... I thought I'd get the excuse in early before you watch the clip!

Video clip from Dirty Dicks!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #19

For those of you with a filthy mind, you are probably not going to get the type of video clip you might have been hoping for based on the title of this blog post!

This is a video clip from my first ever appearance at Dirty Dick's in the city (near Liverpool Street). The footage is actually quite good because it is the first video clip I have that has not been filmed on an iPhone!

Bobby Freeman was on the line-up for last nights show, belting out his classic rendition of You Say It Best.

Apart from my opening line, which went down like a sh*t sandwich, I think it was another decent set. But with each gig I am now learning how much work you need to put into stand-up comedy. It's not all one big joke you know...!

... Well it kind of is one big joke, but you know what I mean right?!

It wasn't stand-up comedy but it was bloody impressive!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #18
My work colleagues came down to support me last night at a gig in West London called the Retro Bar. It was another Comedy Bin gig, and then first time I had been done to this venue in Westbourne Park.

Nathan Khan was the host and is a bloody funny guy. But the most impressive act of the night wasn't even a comedian - it was a beatboxer called Philippic. The dude was pretty impressive! Anyways, here is my performance from the night...

The comeback kid!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #14
After the horror show at The Railway last week, it was nice to get back up on the stage and put that gig to bed. Last night it was back to the Cavendish Arms and I'm pleased to say things went well.

Openmic Matt was on hand to film the set as proof that I can get a bit of a laugh out of a crowd. It wasn't enough to get the Stockwell audience to 'buy me a drink' Cavendish Arms style, but it was enough to make me feel that things were back on track.

I just went on, and on, and on, and on...

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #10
I've been busy trying to set up more gigs at venues other than The Cavendish Arms or The Railway, because in the last three months I've only done five gigs (including last night)! So in the last couple of weeks I have been busy researching other open mic nights, which basically means friend requesting as many other open mic comedians as possible on Facebook and seeing where they gig!

From that I have found these guys called the Comedy Bin who set up various open mic nights across London and I have a few gigs with them in April. Also through Facebook I have found a guy called Steve Roe, who I went to school with, and runs a comedy night called Hoopla in London Bridge, so he has booked me in to his night as well.

So onto last night. I've watched back the video clip and I just went on and on and on for 15 minutes! I was losing the will to live watching it back so God knows what the audience thought last night! The great thing about performing at The Railway over the last couple of months is that I have been able to try out lots of different material...

Granted most of it has been bloody awful, or at least it certainly needs a lot of work, but I should be able to pull out a decent five minutes of material for the upcoming April gigs... I hope!

Call me the Karate Kid of the comedy circuit!

Joke on, joke off: Another night
of comedy in Streatham

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #9
Another two-week gap without comedy, but Openmic Matt had invited be back to perform again on the third comedy night at The Railway, so I crammed in plenty of writing and came up with some new gags about the 80s (including my Karate Kid impression), Facebook, mum insults, sex texting, and a bit more.

Some of it worked, but for the most part it needs some touching up. Actually, it needs quite a bit of work! I am also starting to realise that in order to improve I need to start looking around at getting more gigs and performing at different venues. I love The Railway, but I'm not too sure 24 gigs a year in Streatham is going to get me to the Hammersmith Apollo!

But I'm still enjoying it and I've met some really cool people down at The Railway in the last few weeks including Elliot Lerner, Raphael Perahia, Bobby Freeman, and Stu Privett. Here is the video clip from last night...

Back to The Railway!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #8
So it was back to The Railway this week, and last night I opened up for the second consecutive gig in Streatham Common. I wrote some new material for the gig, including a joke about being on public transport with a dwarf! Check out the video clip and let me know what you think.

The one thing I have noticed though is that I drop the f-bomb alot! So be warned when you watch this clip - I'll have to tone down the language next time!

"His suit is as sharp as his wit!"

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #7

So I gave Matt a call after getting card from the Cavendish Arms gig, and he invited me down to perform at his new music and comedy night at The Railway in Streatham Common. The gig took place last night I got a few people to come down to support me and it turned out to be a really good night.

As I walked in I noticed a piece of paper on the tables. I picked it up and there was my name with the description His suit is as sharp as his wit. I've made it I thought!

I opened up the night, and Matt gave all the comedians the option to do 10 minutes plus on stage. Not everything I did was great, but it was only my fourth ever gig, so to do 10 minutes worth of material was pretty cool. I really need to tighten things up, but it gave me the opportunity to try some different things.

But what really made this such a top night was the promoter - Matt in the hat! He doesn't run his night as rigidly or as smoothly as somewhere like The Cavendish Arms, but in a way that is it's appeal and charm. And he also has a pub quiz with cheese! That in itself is worth turning up for!

I'm pleased to say that Matt invited me back again in two weeks so another gig in the bag!

New material and a new opportunity!

New gig: I got carded after my gig at
The Cavendish Arms tonight

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #6
I have to admit that the gig a couple of weeks ago was a bit of a blow to the ego. It didn't exactly go according to plan, but the good news is that it didn't put me off either.

Earlier in the week I caught up with Gemma Beagley, who hosts Monday nights at the Cavendish Arms, to ask for a bit of advice. Gemma has been on the open mic circuit since November 2009, and she advised me to write some new material and to avoid doing a whole set on one subject, because if the audience don't like the story you're telling them, you don't really have anywhere else to go.

Trying to write something funny that will appeal to everyone is not easy, and I've realised that most of the time when I'm being 'funny' around my friends, it is because I am taking the piss out of them. It's easy because I already know them - I'm not too sure I'll have enough time to go around each audience member to find out a bit about them before going on stage to carry off that routine.

So I sat down and wrote. I tried to write about every day things, like relationships, having babies, holidays, and a bit of nostalgia. It seemed to go okay, and it certainly felt like it was punchier.

A good friend of mine from university, Ben Righton, also performed tonight. Ben is an actor and uses stand-up to keep himself match fit as he calls it. He did a hilarious set about the personalities of different railway stations, and his stage presence was spot-on as you would expect from an actor. He certainly put me in the shade!

But being with Ben looks like it has got me a new gig. After the show a guy called Matt came up to Ben and gave him his card as he is setting up a new comedy night in Streatham, and said how much he enjoyed his set. He then looked at me and it slowly dawned on him that I had performed as well. It was an awkward moment, I'm not too sure he was going to invite me down, but he handed me his card anyway.

Sod it, I'll take what I can get at the moment!

Hmmm, reality check?

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #5
I'm not going to lie - after my first crack at stand-up comedy I thought I had made it. I thought all I needed was a few more gigs on the open mic scene and then the comedy agents would be knocking down my door to sign me up.

After all, I was voted the second funniest comic of the evening in my debut performance! I'm a pretty big deal I'll have you know! I had the crowd eating out of the palm of my hand - they loved me back in September! And if you don't believe me, then just ask all 25 of my friends who came down to watch me!

And that right there is the problem. If last night taught me anything it is that stand-up comedy in front of your mates will result in you getting the biggest laugh of the evening because they are their to support you. Unless of course you happen to friends with a group of monks who have taken a vow of silence. If you are friends with monks, my advice would be not to take them to a comedy club. You can have that bit of advice for free.

So in hindsight, if I analyse my debut performance, finishing second in a competition where your mates make up 50% of the judging panel perhaps isn't such a great achievement after all. Even worse, chances are that the other half of the room screamed their lungs out to make sure I didn't get top spot!

Last night wasn't a complete horror show, and as you can see from the video clip I got a few laughs. But it has made me realise that this comedy malarky might not be quite as easy as I first thought...