Character interview with Jack Chatham from The Drought and The Flood (taken from Rachel's Random Reads)

This character interview was originally posted on Rachel's Random Reads on Thursday, April 28 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

Jack Chatham is the happy-go-lucky cockney character from the Sex, Love and Dating Disaster book series, and good friends with the main protagonist Dan Hilles. Today he has popped into Rachel’s Random Reads as part of the Lad Lit Blog Tour…

Welcome to Rachel’s Random Reads Jack. Thanks for joining us, please tell the readers a little bit about yourself.
Thanks Rachel, I’m excited to be here. Out of the four boys who star in The Drought and The Flood, I’m the joker in the pack. I’m the one who keeps the banter full to the brim. Girls love a man with a sense of humour, you know?

Is that right? In The Drought you are known to favour chat-up lines when attempting to woo a lady. What is your best chat-up line?
There are so many Rachel, but it’s all in the delivery. Allow me to demonstrate (clears throat, licks his finger and wipes it down Rachel’s top). Let’s get you out of those wet clothes! And if that one doesn’t work I normally just invite the girl back to my place for pizza and sex. If she says no, at least I know she doesn’t like pizza.

Really? That’s your best chat-up line? No wonder your friend Dan experienced a sexual drought if that was the sort of advice he was getting!
What are you talking about? That is top grade material right there. It is not my fault Dan is hopeless with the ladies.

Tell me a bit more about Dan and how he comes to end up in this predicament.
Basically you either have the golden touch with the girls or you don’t, if you catch my drift Rachey babe. Dan’s problem was that he stupidly got himself into a relationship and wasted three years when he could have been playing the field like me! So when he broke up with his ex-Stacey – which by the way was hilariously messy – he had completely forgotten how to go on the pull. It was embarrassing to be honest; watching him get into one ridiculous situation after the next. Do you know that he once went on a date and was unable to seal the deal because he got chased away by a sausage dog? True story.

In an attempt to help Dan get over his drought, you and the boys take him on a road trip. You created a set of rules for you and your friends to abide by. What is the most important rule you have to obey on a road trip?
That one is easy Rachey babe…

Stop calling me Rachey babe.
…What happens on tour, stays on tour! When you’re away with the lads, you can’t go blabbing about every little detail when you get home. In The Drought I delivered a 10 point rule all men should follow when they hit the open road for the ultimate lad getaway. You can read it here.

Things are a little bit different for Dan in The Flood as this time round he makes a bet with you and your friends that he can date four girls all at once. What can you tell us about that?
Watching him transform into a nervous wreck trying to keep each girl from finding out about each other was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Dan never makes things easy for himself. Instead of finding himself four quiet and unassuming girls that would have been easy to deal with, he goes and dates a stalker, his crazy ex-girlfriend, the office ice queen, and a girl so hot she could melt the polar ice caps. The problem is, when you are as unlucky-in-love as Dan is, it is never going to be smooth sailing!

Okay, time for a quick-fire question round before we wrap this up. Who would you be stuck on a desert island with?
Cheryl Cole.

What is your greatest ambition?
To be stuck on a desert island with Cheryl Cole.

What's your greatest fear?
That if I made it on to that island with Cheryl Cole, she might be good at boat making.

Thanks for joining me Jack and good luck with promoting The Drought and The Flood.
It was my pleasure Rachey babe. Hey, do you like pizza?

Sigh.

My top five favourite characters from the Sex, Love & Dating Disasters series

This guest post was originally postedon Amy's Bookish Life on Tuesday, May 10 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

On Sunday, before taking my daughter over to the park to enjoy the rare bit of the London sunshine, I was watching a bit of Sunday Brunch (don’t judge me – I’m 38. This is what I do with my life now!), and John Barrowman was talking about the series of YA books he writes with his sister, Carole. At one point he was telling a story of how his sister called him up late one night in tears, crying that she simply couldn’t kill off one of the characters they had created because she had simply grown too attached.

It got my thinking about the characters in my Sex, Love and Dating Disaster series. Who are the characters I simply couldn’t live without in the series?

So for this blog post, I wanted to share with you my top five favourite characters from The Drought and The Flood, and hopefully this will give you a bit of an insight to what lad lit is all about.

5. Kelly Campbell
Kelly is probably the most challenging character I have to write about, because unlike the other female characters in the books, she is actually quite normal! But with that normality comes great responsibility. With more female readers of my books than male, Kelly is my one chance at proving that I had some knowledge of the female mind (although my wife would argue even that is pretty limited!). But Kelly is crucial to the book, because without her it would simply be Dan listening to a bunch of bad advice from his mates. She brings balance to the crazy world that Dan lives in, and creating a friendship between the two of them has been a lot of fun.

4. Ollie Pemberton
How could you not love a guy who thinks Kama Sutra was the name of a foreign exchange student he went to school with, or believes that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is historically accurate?! I think everyone has a friend like Ollie – the sort of guy who would do anything for you, but is as thick as two short planks! No matter what the situation the boys get themselves into, you can guarantee that Ollie will always say or do the wrong thing to make things even worse. I never get bored of trying to come up with an Ollie one-liner that is even more ridiculous than the last!

3. Dan Hilles
With no Dan Hilles, there would be no Sex, Love and Dating Disasters. Dan is the main man of books – the unlucky-in-love fool who can’t catch a break! Whether it’s experiencing a sexual drought in the The Drought or comically stumbling his way through having to date four girls at the same time in The Flood, you can always count on Dan to keep proving beyond doubt that men are definitely not hopeless romantics. We are, in fact, hopeless at romance. A lot of what happens to Dan has either come from personal experiences or those from friends, so he holds a very special place in my heart. For all the wrong reasons!

2. Denise Andrews
Denise is without doubt the most unpredictable of characters I have written so far. She was so much fun to write, because you could take her in so many directions depending on the situation. My favourite has to be the train scenes with Dan which has gotten so much positive response from readers because of how funny they are. Denise turns up in The Flood as one of the four women Dan ends up dating, and the fact she is known as a stalker tells you quite a lot already! Along with her ex-boyfriend, Ronnie (who by the way ends up stalking Dan too), I was never short of comical scenarios to stick her in. She was brilliant to write about, and secretly I think I’d like to date her too… just the once though!

1. Jack Chatham
Like marmite, you either love Jack, or you hate him, but I have nothing but love for the mouthy, little, cockney-wannabee who is always raring to take the mickey out of someone’s misfortune (normally Dan!). Jack’s relationship with Ollie is another highlight to write, because it pits the big, gormless, giant against the sharp-tongued mini assassin! The king of the chat-up lines with a small-man syndrome, Jack is the guy you probably warn your friends against dating, but can’t help but warm to once you get to know him. He is the little devil that lives inside each and every man, even though we might not show it quite as much as Jack.

Characters from The Drought: Jack Chatham

The Drought: Jack Chatham

When you think of Jack Chatham, think of a cross between Danny Dyer and Jay from The Inbetweeners! Jack is a happy-go-lucky cheeky-chappy who always has something to say, and most of the time it will be totally un-PC!

He is the joker of the pack, full of banter and sarcasm. With his cockney accent, he comes across as a bit of a geezer and at five-foot-four he has been known to suffer from small-man-syndrome. But his devil-may-care attitude always keeps those around him entertained.

When it comes to girls, Jack is the guy in the group who doesn't seem to have any morals or a conscience. He is constantly playing away from his long-suffering girlfriend Anna (hence his nickname Jackie Cheatham), but his cheeky-chappy confident style makes him hard to dislike. He is a firm believer in chat-up lines and has a host of gems to choose from!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 4: Dapper Laughs (@dapperlaughs) as Jack Chatham

This is the one I’ve been waiting for! They say save the best for last and arguably Jack Chatham is the show stealer when it comes to The Drought. He is the one character I get the most feedback from readers about; the guy who gets quoted more than any other and the one who people often tell me he is their favourite. Despite the fact he’s a sexist, a cheat and verging on being a complete chauvinist, it seems that fans of The Drought simply can’t get enough of his cheeky-chappy laddish behaviour!

He is also the most fun character to write because he knows no boundaries. In the right group of friends, he is the type of guy you want on a night out with you. You know he’s probably going to end up doing or saying something that the politically incorrect brigade would have a field day over but you don’t really care. You know what you are going to get with Jack – a complete and total 24-carat lad!

Jack is an amalgamation of a few people I know, but two guys in particular who I have worked with, even if I have overly exaggerated his outlandish personality for comedy effect. Jack’s diminutive stature has given him a fair share of small-man syndrome so what he lacks in height he tries to make up for in voice, and bot does he have an opinion! Some of his classic quotes include:

On arranging to meet a girl for the first time:
‘Wherever you go, make sure you arrange to meet somewhere out in the open so you can get a good look at her beforehand. I’m sure Grace is a good-looking girl, but we all had our beer goggles on that night. She could be a right old bow-wow. In which case, ditch her there and then. Give me a call and we’ll go for a beer instead.’

On why God is a woman:
‘If God was a man then why would he put his G-spot up his arse?’

On reasons why he doesn’t want to stay in a gay bar:
‘This isn’t The Flintstones – I’m not going to have a gay old time.’

On why doggy is the best sexual position:
‘The doggy position means you don’t have to look at her face if she is fugly.’

On whether he’d sleep with another girl behind his girlfriend’s back:
‘Would I cheat? In a heartbeat.’

In terms of who I would have play Jack in a movie version of The Drought I’ve always said in the past that he is a cross between Danny Dyer and Jay from The Inbetweeners. Danny Dyer because he is a bit of a geezer and mockney-cockney, and Jay because he likes to boast about his ability with the opposite sex, although it’s fair to say Jack has more success than Jay. Jack is a numbers man – he dives in and chats up as many girls as he can, figuring that at some point he’ll hit the jackpot or at the very least find one who is drunk enough to give in to him!

But in recent weeks I have decided that there is only one man who could play Jack – the one guy who fits the bill probably even more perfectly than the other three characters I’ve done this week. And that man is my new favourite social media comedy hero – Daniel O’Reilly aka Dapper Laughs!

Even though I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m now in my mid-30s and the inevitable crawl towards the big 4-0, I still like to think I’m a big lad at heart and nothing makes me laugh more than good old classic lad behaviour, and no one personifies that better than that man Dapper Laughs (check out my top 10 favourite Vine video clips from Dapper Laughs). This man is Jack all over and it is a total no-brainer that I would pick him. If you are a fan of Dapper Laughs then you’d be a fan of Jack Chatham!

And that completes the line-up of actors to play the characters in The Drought movie! See all of The Drought 'move stars' by clicking here.  Let me know what you think!

If The Drought was made into a film which actors would be in it?

Okay, so I'm sitting here the other night a little bit bored and something pops into my head: If The Drought became a film, which actors do I think would play the main characters? 

I accept that I'm getting a little ahead of myself (it would be nice for the book to sell a few more copies before I start thinking about film rights, or any rights for that matter) but it didn't stop my little brain wandering none the less. I guess the idea stemmed from an early review The Drought received when it was compared to The Inbetweeners and what with the second movie installment of that brilliant show coming out this August, why not dream a little big?

So this week I am playing casting director and will be posting four daily blogs starting tomorrow as I pick the four actors I think would be brilliant to bring the main characters alive in The Drought. It'll be fun to think of who I'd choose as most of the characters are based on people I actually know!

First up tomorrow is the main character Dan Hilles...

Jack's view on... Top 10 gift ideas for men

Buying a present for that special man in your life is never easy. I should know - I've had some pretty terrible presents bought for me over the years. Girls, let me be clear right now - we don't want socks or a framed picture of you. We want manly gifts dammit!

So I thought I would come to the rescue and list the top 10 gifts that men really want. There really is no need to thank me, unless of course you want to buy me a gift, in which case I personally recommend gift number 6! Or if you are having relationship problems, you could always give me your number?

So whether you are buying a gift for your husband, boyfriend, brother, dad, or perhaps even your bit of the side, you do not need to look any further. These present ideas are ideal for Christmas, birthdays, and Bar Mitzvah's, and they are guaranteed to make the man in your life love you a little bit more this year!

Classic Playboy covers

1. Framed Playboy front cover prints
Playboy has played a major part in every man's life. For most of us, Playboy introduced the female form to many a young boy, and made for some fantastic on the toilet reading. Buying your man a print of his favourite Playboy front cover will bring flooding back all of those nostalgic memories from his youth. And here is an idea - if you are buying it as a birthday present, then why not get the front cover from the exact month and year that he was born! That shows that you really care.

Check out websites like NotOnTheHighStreet.com and search for 'Playboy' on 55max.com for some old school nudey classics!

Talking Tony Montana doll
from Scarface

2. Talking Scarface Tony Montana doll
How many times have you heard your man say "Come say hello to my little friend" just before a bout of bump and grinding? Al Pacino's immortal line from the 1983 classic Brian De Palma film spans generations. Watching Scarface is like a rite of passage for men, and being able to imitate some of the brilliant phrases from this gangster flick is pure joy amongst a group of lads.

So what better gift to buy your man than this talking action figurine of the Cuban legend himself?! Check out Iconic Collectables or do a quick search on eBay to find one today!

"Yo, Adrian! Have you seen
my dressing gown?"

3. Rocky Balboa dressing gown/bath robe
Show me a man that isn't a fan of the Rocky films and I'll show you a southpaw right-handed jab to the face! Nothing says class like a black and gold trimmed robe. Imagine waking up and seeing your man parading around in this immaculate piece of bedtime lounge clothing. And then imagine the moment when he turns around to reveal the Italian Stallion motif. If that doesn't set your pulse racing for a bit of early morning bed boxing, then I don't know what will!

Menkind.co.uk do a great deal on this little piece of must-have clothing!

So many great memories...
So many Kleenex sales...

4. Baywatch DVD boxset
Long before the internet came along and gave us open access to hot women at the click of a mouse, a legend by the name of David Hasselhoff brought it direct to our TV screens every week! Back then, I was lucky that my folks had bought me a TV for my bedroom, so every Saturday I would lock myself in my room and enjoy a bit of Palmala Handerson time if you catch my drift! Allowing your fella to look back on all of those golden moments in a tight red swimsuit makes this the ultimate DVD boxset for men!

The Classic Movie Store were offering a discount on this bad boy last time I checked, and you can always give Amazon a go if all else fails.

The must-have summer male clothing range!
Which size will you choose?

5. The Willykini
Ever since a blog was posted on this site about the Willykini, the page views have gone through the roof! Literally thousands of you have been searching for this summer's must-have item of beachwear. Last year it was all about the Mankini, but 2013 is definitely the year for the Willykini! Just take a look at the picture on the left and imagine your man parading up and down the beach in Marbella or Faliraki in one of these.

The Willykini Facebook page have said that they will be stocking Willykini's as of June 1st.

Jack gives The Drought a
big thumbs up!

6. The Drought by Steven Scaffardi
The ultimate dating disaster story! Here is a book by a man for men, and it only stars yours truly! What more do I have to say? The Drought has already been hailed as one of the funniest books ever written and reviewers on Goodreads and Amazon are falling over themselves to praise the story about one man's struggle to overcome the throes of a sexual drought. If your man is sick and tired of your chick lit novels and rom com movies, then buy him a copy of this hilarious novel and get back into his good books!

The Drought is available in paperback on Amazon and can also be downloaded on eReaders at most good bookstores for less than a quid! Bargain.

The best way to wake a man
with morning glory!

7. Pole Dancer Alarm Clock
Men have always preferred a certain way of being woken up by their girlfriends, but in the extreme case that you are suffering from tongue fatigue, then this alarm clock is surely the next best thing. It is a well known scientific fact that men must experience at least one lap dance by the age of 21 otherwise he is liable to turn to dust. If it jiggles, then we need to ogle. We can't help it, it is in a genetic make-up.

You can pick yours up at Gadget Bargains and if you are feeling really giving then a lifetime membership card at Spearmint Rhinos would be a right touch!

Just imagine how good this would
look on the living room wall

8. Signed sports memorabilia 
You know that joke about how men would choose their football team over their wife or girlfriend? Well, it's not a joke. We would sell our own mother if it meant our team won the league title. When a man moves in with a woman, part of him clings on to the hope that one day he'll have a signed 1970 Brazil shirt signed by the whole World Cup winning squad hanging on the living room wall instead of that crappy canvas flower print you insisted we buy from B&Q.

So stop being so damn selfish and give your man what he wants by buying him a little piece of sporting history. Icons.com is not a bad place to start or you can pick up bargains on eBay.

Learn how to cook -
Mafia style!

9. The Wiseguy Cookbook
We all know that men make the best cooks, right? So why not get your man in the kitchen with Goodfella Henry Hill's favorite recipes. Hill was the mobster-turned-rat portrayed in Martin Scorsese's iconic mafia movie starring Ray Liotta and Robert De Niro, and this cookbook lists all his favourite dishes, including the prison dinner meatballs. So if you want to get your man's taste buds tantalising, then avoid Nigel Slater at all costs and make sure you serve up a plate of spaghetti fit for a gangster!

Amazon once again provides a good starting point for this book, and if your man is not the Goodfellas type, then he is sure to love Wookie Cookies in the Star Wars Cookbook!

Give your man hours of nostalgic fun

10. Sensible Soccer Plug 'n' Play
Don't worry about having to splash out hundreds of pounds of the latest Xbox or PlayStation. Long before Fifa and Pro Evolution Soccer came along, there was only one football game that mattered. Sensible Soccer. Utter those two words to any man and it is likely to bring a tear of joy to their eyes as they reminisce about the amazing times they had controlling a bunch of small dots that lost the ball if you changed direction, all played from a birds eye angled view.

This is the gift that your man can take anywhere and it will keep him happy for days. Firebox, Amazon, and eBay still stock this wonderful piece of gaming history!

Jack's view on... Why men hate shopping

My good pal Dan Hilles had a bloody fantastic post on this blog last year called The reason why men hate shopping and I have to say I could agree more with what he had to say. When it comes to a man's worst nightmare, shopping is right up there with waking up next to Sarah Jessica Parker.

But just when I thought all hope was lost and that men were doomed to drag their heels around women in the shops forever more, I stumbled across this fantastic golden nugget from the Retired Husband. What a frickin' ledge this man is! Enjoy...

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.  

Jack Chatham is a character in the hilarious lad lit novel The Drought. Check it out now!

Jack's view on.. How to text girls

I love being part of the Google generation. When I think about what it must have been like in the old days, I shiver at the thought of living in a world without modern technology. Where would we be without men like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg? These men are nothing less than Gods in my eyes. Imagine what the world would be like without their vision. Seriously, just think about it for a second...

It's a scary thought eh? Because without these men, there would be no internet which means no easy access to 24/7 porn. And that would also mean that there would be no dating sites - a place where women basically put themselves in a shop window; letting us men know that basically they would like a bit of action (all disguised as looking for the right person).

And before you start accusing me of being a chauvinistic pig and showing ignorance in the face of genius, you had better check your facts first - because I'll think you'll find that Mr Zuckerberg created Facebook for men to rate women on their appearance. So before you go around judging me, you think about that next time you are on Facebook 'Liking' someone's photo; because if ever there was a way of letting someone know you would like to jump in bed with them, it's that simple click of the mouse to give their latest profile picture the thumbs up. And don't even get me started on the fact you can Poke someone on Facebook. There have been more pokes on Facebook than there is on Ron Jeremy's CV.

But there is one piece of technology that still stands the test of time for me, and that my friends is texting. It is no coincidence that text rhymes with sex because if anything lends itself to helping us guys get friendly with the female of species in the most comfortable of all environments, it is the art of texting.

With texting, there is no fear of face-to-face rejection. You don't have to awkwardly approach a girl who is surrounded by a gaggle of friends. And you always feel 10 times more confident to get a bit Hollywood and text the sort of things you would only dream of saying in person.

You just need to make sure you get your texting technique right. For example, drunken texts only work if you are both pissed. We've all been there haven't we lads - you have one too many beers in the boozer on a Tuesday night after work, and before you know it, you're sitting at home in your pants, tube of lube in one hand, phone in the other texting your ex asking her to send you a picture of her best Sharon Stone impression.

The real art of texting is all about how you pace your conversation, making sure you pick up on the signals, and then moving in for the kill. And that is when you will start to get the dirty stuff fellas. You want to start off with a bit of light banter just to get her going. Whatever you do don't be Roy Keen and start confessing your undying love for her. Girls hate that shit.

Once you have got the banter going, then you move on to the flirting. See how far you can push it without going too overboard, unless she is bang up for that sort of thing of course! In which case, fill your boots my son!

And finally, you then move on to what I like to call a bit of weekend texting. This is when you know she has been out on a Friday or Saturday night. Get a few flirty texts in throughout the night to gauge how pissed she is, and if you are lucky, she would have been through a bottle of Pinot Grigio like it was a jug of water by the end of the night.

That is when you move in for the kill. You want each text to be a little more risqué than the last, and before you know it she'll release the porn queen that has been hiding inside her! At this point you would be forgiven for getting a little carried away, but if you can keep your cool then all you need to do is utter those three magic little words: Send. Me. Pictures.

Jack Chatham is a character in the hilarious lad lit novel The Drought. Check it out now!

The rules for a lads road trip: The 10 Commandments

This is an official book excerpt from comedy novel The Drought. This taken from Chapter 15: Jack's 10 Commandments. At this point in the story the main character, Dan Hilles, has spent 132 days on his sex drought! Desperate to put an end to his barren spell, his friends have planned a lads road trip to Brighton.
As Dan is sitting in his office on the Friday afternoon before the trip, he receives an email from his friend Jack, who has taken it upon himself to declare the rules of the road rip!

Any guy that has been on a road trip knows that there have to be a set of rules that each member must live by, whether it is about picking up chicks or simply drinking copius amounts of alcohol. What follows here is a set of instructions any group of lads embarking on a road trip can follow. Enjoy!


The rules of the road trip by Jack Chatham taken from The Drought
With the clock ticking away, it’s time to start planning the most slut-infested, drink-fuelled, condom-wearing, STD risk-taking, non-dry-humping, two days of our lives.

Now as you all know, Dan has endured five months of torture. So once the Big Guns invade Brighton, it’s time to make a pact...

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

1) Let’s get this party rocking. As soon as we arrive, we roll the red carpet out. We let them know in no uncertain terms that the Big Guns have arrived. We dump the bags and hit the bars.

2) It’s not Groundhog Day. No one is allowed to crack on with the same bint for more than one night. You can keep any little tart you meet on reserve in case you blow out, but I ain’t having any of this meeting up two nights running like boyfriend and girlfriend.

3) Chat-up lines. They will be used. I have a list of them to hit the chicks up with! Belters like: My name is Mr Right, somebody told me you were looking for me!

4) The anthem. Every Big Gun should have one. As soon as the DJ plays this little number, each and every Big Gun must drop what they are doing and hit the dance floor. It’s time to cut shapes.

5) High Fives. Before we go out, each and every Big Gun must line-up while I go down the line issuing high fives all round. Standard high fives will be used (nothing fancy like Top Gun).

6) Power ballads. Before you ask – no, I’m not gay! But there is nothing like hitting the open road, closing your eyes tight, clenching your fist, and belting out lyrics of pure raw emotion. I defy anyone to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart without a tear in your eye.

7) The way of The Hoff. Knight Rider and Baywatch – two absolute rip-snorting gems of TV genius brought to us by one man – David Hasselhoff. What is there not to love about this man? Talking crime-fighting cars, bikini-clad women, awesome super slow-mo running shots, and not to mention a chest rug to be proud of. If we use the way of the Hoff, we won’t go far wrong.

8) Randy van Warmers. Dan, I've got a box full of condoms with your name written all over them so no need to worry about getting chased by sausage dogs this time!

9) The Game. When entering a different postcode, the game begins. You know how it works. You get a point for snogging some old tart, five points for flicking the bean, 10 points if she has a chat with the boy, and 15 points for rumpedy-roo!

10) What happens on tour – stays on tour. Any man who brings a camera to a road trip may be legally castrated and his man-bits thrown to the seagulls to feast on.

Let’s make this one not to forget and help our friend Dan find out whether his winkle still works after all these months! Please print this off and keep it with you at all times. It is imperative that we all know the rules.

Jack's view on... The best moments of Euro 2012

As the dust finally settles in Poland and Ukraine, it is a time to contemplate on what has been a truly wonderful tournament. From the word go we have been blessed with some of the most memorable moments in football history; a stunning collective of images that will live long in the mind for many years to come. Euro 2012 rekindled my love for the game - it showed me everything that I want a football tournament to be about.

And now it's all over, I don't mind admitting that the realisation that it is has come to an end made me shed a tear. No longer would my eyes be able to feast upon visions of such glory, of such perfection, and I find myself looking to the heaven's, looking for answers, and asking Why Lord, why must you punish me so?!

Euro 2012 was a tournament that gave us so much. A Spanish team that cemented their place in football folklore as the greatest team ever to have graced the hallowed green turf. A world-class performance from Cristiano Ronaldo that prompted him to change his hairstyle at half-time in every match he played in. A sulking goal celebrating style from Mario Balotelli that made us wonder if he was French instead of Italian. An England team that has given us hope for World Cup 2030 when hopefully the off-spring of the Golden Generation might be able to do what their dad's couldn't! And even a German team that didn't make it to the final!

But those little nuggets of gold don't even come close to what got me really excited about the competition!

Call me dramatic, call me emotional, call me extreme, but the fact is I am a man who stands by my passion, my beliefs! There are countless amounts of men across Europe right now who feel just like me. They too are going to miss that sensational tingle every time we turned on our TV screens and waited in baited breath in anticipation of the one thing we all wanted to really see...

The scanning of the crowd!

That's right suckers! I am talking about the monumental efforts from the Euro 2012 cameramen to pluck out some of the absolute little treacle's sitting in the crowd! In the words of Chris Kamara, some of the women on display in this tournament were unbelievable! The best moments for be at Euro 2012, were the girls of Euro 2012!

I'm normally the first bloke to moan about women watching football every time a European Championship or World Cup comes around. I hate the fact that for two years they moan about how much they hate the footy, and then suddenly you can't get them away from the big screen TV. Whether it's screaming at the top of their lungs every time England get a throw-in, or ruining in-depth football chat by trying to discuss which player has the best legs, I get proper annoyed whenever some splitarse starts harking on about her passion for the game all because she thinks David Beckham has got a nice arse. It does my nut in!

But this was completely different! And here is why...

The girls on display at Euro 2012 had made a bit of an effort. They had clearly been down the gym do some serious working out in order to fit those tight little bodies into replica shirts that were clearly two sizes two small for them! There were curves poking out all over the place!

It changed the whole dynamics of the tournament for me! I was gutted when Greece were knocked out. It meant I couldn't knock one out over that little Greek blonde sort they kept showing on the TV. She brought joy to millions of Greek people during a financial meltdown for crying out loud! I didn't mind Germany doing so well, and I was even keeping my fingers crossed that they would play England in the semi-final and embarrass us all over again like they did at the World Cup last year. And the reason why?

Because it would have meant I could have drooled all over over this fine specimen once again. I mean look at her. Look at her dammit! She is even carrying two pints in her hand. She is like the most amazing woman I have ever seen in my life. The men were watching footy and they sent her to get the beer. I almost fucking cried right there and then when I saw this image. It was beautiful. 

It has changed the way I view football forever. I was happy enough to sit indoors during this competition, with my pants around my ankles, waiting for the Euro 2012 money shot to come along! And I didn't have to once explain the offside rule to anyone! It was frickin' awesome!

Normally I'd head down to the pub and I'd have to stand with some Nora Batty lookalike, and watch her belly jiggle out from underneath her crappy Primark England t-shirt every time she got over excited about a free kick on the halfway line. But this year was a real game changer. I mean look at this Italian fan on the left - this is what she looked like when Juan Mata had just tucked away Spain's fourth goal!

So make sure you remember this tournament for all the right reasons. It wasn't about the brilliance of Iniesta or the rugged determination of Roy Hodgson's Three Lions. It was all about the effort made by the female supporters. I salute you ladies!

Jack Chatham is a fictional character from Steven Scaffardi's comedy novel The Drought. 

Jack's view on... Delio Rossi's apology, my fear for his children, and why he should be the new England manager!

 Delio "Rocky" Rossi issued a public apology today for his astonishing touchline attack on player Adem Ljajic, but the nature of his apology has probably left the NSPCC on red alert!

Rossi Balboa, sacked by Fiorentina on Wednesday after lamping Ljajic for sarcastically applauding his decision to substitute him, was responding to his actions at a news conference when he said: "I've made a mistake and I will pay for it. My gesture was ugly, disgraceful and I am very saddened."

Fair enough, it takes a big man to admit he was wrong, but then Rossi came out with this cracking line: "I have never allowed myself to hit anyone, not even my children."

Not even my children. 

What in the blue hell is this guy on?! Is no one else slightly concerned that when you translate what old Sugar Ray Rossi seems to be saying, it comes out as:

"I have never allowed myself to hit anyone, not even my children... and God knows they deserve it the little bastards!"

He then went on to say: "I have never said that I am a a saint but you can ask the children and all the players that I have coached in the past what type of person I am."

Look, there he goes again - ask the children. I don't think so pal, they're probably scared shitless to tell the truth. I bet you have already warned them to keep their mouths shut!

It's just a shame the FA couldn't wait a day or two before naming the new England manager. I bet if they had known Rossi would have been available they would have snapped him up. We could do with someone in the England camp willing to give John Terry a good clumping.

Ooof! Take that John! That's for sleeping with your mates girlfriend and for generally being a massive tool!

He'd be an instant fan favourite!

Jack Chatham is a fictional character from Steven Scaffardi's comedy novel The Drought.

Jack's view on... Tulisa being named FHMs Sexiest Woman 2012!

Like most blokes, I get pretty excited when FHM release their Top 100 Sexiest Women supplement. After all, it brings back a lot of good memories for me. Back in the in the day, FHM was treated a bit like porn for cowards. If you weren't old enough (or tall enough) to reach for the top shelf, then you couldn't go too wrong with FHM. Especially 1996 winner Gillian Anderson. Hmmmm, Scully....

But I'm a little disappointed this year. Don't get me wrong, Tulisa is a good looking girl - you definitely would - but I feel the men in the UK are getting a little lazy. I mean, one sex tape where you deliver a pretty shoddy gob job does not warrant the title of sexiest woman! If that was the criteria, then Tina the barmaid at the Three Kings would take that crown - her technique is sloppy to say the least. Great rack though.

The really sad thing here is that only two of The Saturdays got into the top 100. That is a frickin' liberty in my eyes. So men of the UK, I call upon you to take a long hard look at yourselves. Your standards are dropping, and if we continue to send out the message that half-hearted blowsies get you awards, we'll end up seeing the women of this world stop putting in the effort. Don't let this happen - your penis needs you!

Jack Chatham is a fictional character from Steven Scaffardi's comedy novel The Drought.

Introducing Jack Chatham - the man with lad chat!

Jack Chatham is the effervescent, devil-may-care character from Steven Scaffardi's lad lit novel The Drought. Jack is a firm believer in chat-up lines and one-liners when it comes to pulling the girls, and it is often you will here him coming out with gems such as:

"Do you want to come back to mine for pizza and sex? No? Why not? Don't you like pizza?!"

Starting today, Jack will have his own column on this blog site, dedicated to his views and opinions on everything and anything that might be happening in the world. You can view them by clicking here. 

Jack also has his own way of talking to his friends; using a selection of words and phrases unique to him. He might talk with a cockney accent, but these phrases are spoken by Jack, and Jack only! Here is an example of what to expect...

stroke-er [strōk-er, strōk-er]
tr.v. stroked, strok·ing, strokesUse stroker in a sentence
–adjective,
1. Slang a wanker. He's a right stroker 2. to stroke as in the hand movement, but associated with the male genitalia. I stroked one out last night.

big gun [big guhn]
Use big gun in a sentence
1. Slang popular; like in a social hierarchy: Jack is the big gun 2. Informal A group of people who associate regularly on a social basis: The big guns were out in full force tonight

ab-so-lute [ab-suh-loot, ab-suh-loot]
Use absolute in a sentence
–adjective,
1. Slang Highly appealing or interesting; attractive: she is absolute. 2. excitingly appealing; glamorous: an absolute body.

chode [ch-ohd]
Use chode in a sentence
1. Slang a penis wider than it is long. Ollie has a chode

Vagtable Patch [vaj-tuh-buhl pach]
Use vagtable patch in a sentence
1. A very healthy, clean, delicious vagina comparable to vegetables, a common necessity needed to stay healthy. Always plough the vagtable patch!

Randy Van Warmer [ran-dee van wawrm-er]
Use Randy Van Warmer in a sentence
1. slang Play on words of the name of a 1980s American songwriter and guitarist, in this case to describe a condom. That baby ain’t mine – I was wearing a Randy Van Warmer!

Bro Favor [broh fey-vor]
Use bro favor in a sentence
1. Pronounced like the Spanish ‘por favor’, bro favor is an act of goodwill asked of one’s friend. I need a bit of help, could you do me a bro favor?

fugly [thuhg-uh-lee]
Use fugly in a sentence
1. Slang abbreviation for the phrase fucking ugly. Man, that girl is fugly!

splitarse [split-ahrs]
Use splitarse in a sentence
–adjective,
1. Slang A female. Derived from the fact that they possess a split and an arse. Come here you little splitarse!