Friday, 22 March 2013

Jack's view on.. How to text girls

How to text girls, The Drought, Lad Lit, Steven Scaffardi,
I love being part of the Google generation. When I think about what it must have been like in the old days, I shiver at the thought of living in a world without modern technology. Where would we be without men like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg? These men are nothing less than Gods in my eyes. Imagine what the world would be like without their vision. Seriously, just think about it for a second...

It's a scary thought eh? Because without these men, there would be no internet which means no easy access to 24/7 porn. And that would also mean that there would be no dating sites - a place where women basically put themselves in a shop window; letting us men know that basically they would like a bit of action (all disguised as looking for the right person).

And before you start accusing me of being a chauvinistic pig and showing ignorance in the face of genius, you had better check your facts first - because I'll think you'll find that Mr Zuckerberg created Facebook for men to rate women on their appearance. So before you go around judging me, you think about that next time you are on Facebook 'Liking' someone's photo; because if ever there was a way of letting someone know you would like to jump in bed with them, it's that simple click of the mouse to give their latest profile picture the thumbs up. And don't even get me started on the fact you can Poke someone on Facebook. There have been more pokes on Facebook than there is on Ron Jeremy's CV.

But there is one piece of technology that still stands the test of time for me, and that my friends is texting. It is no coincidence that text rhymes with sex because if anything lends itself to helping us guys get friendly with the female of species in the most comfortable of all environments, it is the art of texting.

With texting, there is no fear of face-to-face rejection. You don't have to awkwardly approach a girl who is surrounded by a gaggle of friends. And you always feel 10 times more confident to get a bit Hollywood and text the sort of things you would only dream of saying in person.

You just need to make sure you get your texting technique right. For example, drunken texts only work if you are both pissed. We've all been there haven't we lads - you have one too many beers in the boozer on a Tuesday night after work, and before you know it, you're sitting at home in your pants, tube of lube in one hand, phone in the other texting your ex asking her to send you a picture of her best Sharon Stone impression.

The real art of texting is all about how you pace your conversation, making sure you pick up on the signals, and then moving in for the kill. And that is when you will start to get the dirty stuff fellas. You want to start off with a bit of light banter just to get her going. Whatever you do don't be Roy Keen and start confessing your undying love for her. Girls hate that shit.

Once you have got the banter going, then you move on to the flirting. See how far you can push it without going too overboard, unless she is bang up for that sort of thing of course! In which case, fill your boots my son!

And finally, you then move on to what I like to call a bit of weekend texting. This is when you know she has been out on a Friday or Saturday night. Get a few flirty texts in throughout the night to gauge how pissed she is, and if you are lucky, she would have been through a bottle of Pinot Grigio like it was a jug of water by the end of the night.

That is when you move in for the kill. You want each text to be a little more risqué than the last, and before you know it she'll release the porn queen that has been hiding inside her! At this point you would be forgiven for getting a little carried away, but if you can keep your cool then all you need to do is utter those three magic little words: Send. Me. Pictures.

Jack Chatham is a character in the hilarious lad lit novel The Drought. Check it out now!

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