The UK's next entrant for the Eurovision Song Contest has arrived...

Ever wondered why we are so shit at the Eurovision Song Contest? The answer is simple - because we lack the passion to connect with the lyrics. Instead of happy shiny smiling faces jumping up and down on that stagethe stage, we need a singer who means every single word they are singing and sings from the heart. We can't mess around here people! Do you think Moldova would send someone out on to that stage without the fire in their belly?

And for that reason I nominate this man to be the UK entry for the Eurovision song contest; for this year and every year thereafter. Listen out for my all-time favourite line of this song at 2 minutes 12 seconds. Pure genius. Take it away my son....!

Who said that: Gary Neville or Karl Pilkington?

Tonight marked the final Monday Night Football programme of the 2012/13 season, and like most football fans - I have grown a bit of a man crush on Gary Neville. His honest and detailed assessments, his refreshing and insightful analysis of matches, and of course his ability to work a bit of technology quicker than Andy Gray could say 'take a bow son' has seen the self-confessed Red Nev make a U-turn in the eyes of the footballing public.

But after watching tonight's match between Sunderland and Stoke, and listening to Gary's post match analysis, something sprang to mind... Gary has a touch of the Karl Pilkington's about him, and I'm not just talking about the fact they are both from Manchester.

Some of his quotes this season could have been straight out of an episode of An Idiot Abroad. Here is a selection of quips from both Neville and Pilkington. See if you can guess who said what (answers below and post your score in the comments section)...

Gary Neville or Karl Pilkington quotes?

Funny books about dating disasters!

If you are looking for a funny book about dating - and in particular dating disasters - then look no further than The Drought. Readers on Amazon and Goodreads have been posting hugely positive reviews recently, with most pointing out the hilarious and truly cringe-worthy moments that crop up in this lad lit adventure!

You can read a sample chapter and meet the characters right here on this blog site, as well as checking out these hilarious promo videos for The Drought plus a bit of stand-up comedy as well!

Elmohamady dances his way to the Premiership!

It's the ultimate climax to the season; a nail-biting nervous finale to the Championship. In the blink of an eye, a goalkeeping error in the game between Watford and Leeds in the dying seconds all but guarantees automatic promotion for Hull City. The players watching on from the tunnel naturally go crazy, leaping on top of each other in pure joy.

But wait. You want to do something different; something that will make you stand out from the rest. After all, the football world is watching, and this is a scene that will live long in the memory. You only have to look at the iconic images from last years Olympics of Usain Bolt's famous lightning bolt pose and Mo Farah's Mobot to understand how such a moment can separate you from the rest.

Unfortunately, your name is Ahmed Elmohamady and upon realising that promotion is now a reality, you decide to skank out like Frankenstein on acid and you do this...

I don't think I need to say anymore....

Mancunian Quotes!

Check out the the list of quotes below. Do you recognise any of them? Think you know which two famous Mancunian's made these quotes? Need to know more about the men who said these awesome words of wisdom?!

Then what are you waiting for?! Click here to find out who these quotes belong to, and then take the quiz to put your knowledge to the test! 

And if you enjoy the quiz, make sure to tell your friends about it and see who comes out on top! 

MANCUNIAN QUOTES!
1. It's more a pint of bitter than a Peach Bellini. 
2. It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didn't have a date you'd have to do everything straight away. 
3. By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.
4. I walk into a supermarket and see a 3 for 1. First off, I wonder what's wrong with it? Then I check the sell by date.
5. I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
6. It was like me having to clap burglars into my own home.
7. I still can't work out what happened. It's either an accident, a big accident, or a jail sentence.
8. I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'.
9. You can't describe it as being a nice feeling. It's like an out of body experience.
10. It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep.
11. If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?
12. You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? Hows it going?". You get on and that and then a little baby pops out.
13. One thing you're guaranteed to hear when you come to Italy: 'Awww, this pasta is fantastic.' Really? No different than spaghetti hoops in a tin for me.
14. You can't go out in London and buy a steak and it's the same as a deposit on a small house in Bury!
15. We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about.
16. It's a circus, and every time I've been to a circus, I always see some clowns, and he is one.
17. You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.
18. You can eat three sausage butties, but the third one won't taste as good as the first.
19. It's like a sausage machine that just churns out more mincemeat rather than sausages.
20. The best way to catch a tiger is not always to shout at it.
21. If your brain was in your foot it would take you ages to say anything.
22. The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.'
23. Two wrongs don't make a right. He got the first one wrong... And he got the second one wrong... He got them both wrong.
24. He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off.
25. We've gone too far. 20 years ago you put milk into your coffee and it was a milky coffee. It wasn't a latte or a frappuccino.
26. They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time?
27. You won't get anything done by planning.
28. Look at his eyes. He stares at him for 5-6 seconds. It's not because he fancies him, believe me. 
29. Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.
30. The country is changing. 20 years ago bread got brought into a restaurant with a lump of butter. Now you get olives, oil, and vinegar.

Jack's view on... Top 10 gift ideas for men

Buying a present for that special man in your life is never easy. I should know - I've had some pretty terrible presents bought for me over the years. Girls, let me be clear right now - we don't want socks or a framed picture of you. We want manly gifts dammit!

So I thought I would come to the rescue and list the top 10 gifts that men really want. There really is no need to thank me, unless of course you want to buy me a gift, in which case I personally recommend gift number 6! Or if you are having relationship problems, you could always give me your number?

So whether you are buying a gift for your husband, boyfriend, brother, dad, or perhaps even your bit of the side, you do not need to look any further. These present ideas are ideal for Christmas, birthdays, and Bar Mitzvah's, and they are guaranteed to make the man in your life love you a little bit more this year!

Classic Playboy covers

1. Framed Playboy front cover prints
Playboy has played a major part in every man's life. For most of us, Playboy introduced the female form to many a young boy, and made for some fantastic on the toilet reading. Buying your man a print of his favourite Playboy front cover will bring flooding back all of those nostalgic memories from his youth. And here is an idea - if you are buying it as a birthday present, then why not get the front cover from the exact month and year that he was born! That shows that you really care.

Check out websites like NotOnTheHighStreet.com and search for 'Playboy' on 55max.com for some old school nudey classics!

Talking Tony Montana doll
from Scarface

2. Talking Scarface Tony Montana doll
How many times have you heard your man say "Come say hello to my little friend" just before a bout of bump and grinding? Al Pacino's immortal line from the 1983 classic Brian De Palma film spans generations. Watching Scarface is like a rite of passage for men, and being able to imitate some of the brilliant phrases from this gangster flick is pure joy amongst a group of lads.

So what better gift to buy your man than this talking action figurine of the Cuban legend himself?! Check out Iconic Collectables or do a quick search on eBay to find one today!

"Yo, Adrian! Have you seen
my dressing gown?"

3. Rocky Balboa dressing gown/bath robe
Show me a man that isn't a fan of the Rocky films and I'll show you a southpaw right-handed jab to the face! Nothing says class like a black and gold trimmed robe. Imagine waking up and seeing your man parading around in this immaculate piece of bedtime lounge clothing. And then imagine the moment when he turns around to reveal the Italian Stallion motif. If that doesn't set your pulse racing for a bit of early morning bed boxing, then I don't know what will!

Menkind.co.uk do a great deal on this little piece of must-have clothing!

So many great memories...
So many Kleenex sales...

4. Baywatch DVD boxset
Long before the internet came along and gave us open access to hot women at the click of a mouse, a legend by the name of David Hasselhoff brought it direct to our TV screens every week! Back then, I was lucky that my folks had bought me a TV for my bedroom, so every Saturday I would lock myself in my room and enjoy a bit of Palmala Handerson time if you catch my drift! Allowing your fella to look back on all of those golden moments in a tight red swimsuit makes this the ultimate DVD boxset for men!

The Classic Movie Store were offering a discount on this bad boy last time I checked, and you can always give Amazon a go if all else fails.

The must-have summer male clothing range!
Which size will you choose?

5. The Willykini
Ever since a blog was posted on this site about the Willykini, the page views have gone through the roof! Literally thousands of you have been searching for this summer's must-have item of beachwear. Last year it was all about the Mankini, but 2013 is definitely the year for the Willykini! Just take a look at the picture on the left and imagine your man parading up and down the beach in Marbella or Faliraki in one of these.

The Willykini Facebook page have said that they will be stocking Willykini's as of June 1st.

Jack gives The Drought a
big thumbs up!

6. The Drought by Steven Scaffardi
The ultimate dating disaster story! Here is a book by a man for men, and it only stars yours truly! What more do I have to say? The Drought has already been hailed as one of the funniest books ever written and reviewers on Goodreads and Amazon are falling over themselves to praise the story about one man's struggle to overcome the throes of a sexual drought. If your man is sick and tired of your chick lit novels and rom com movies, then buy him a copy of this hilarious novel and get back into his good books!

The Drought is available in paperback on Amazon and can also be downloaded on eReaders at most good bookstores for less than a quid! Bargain.

The best way to wake a man
with morning glory!

7. Pole Dancer Alarm Clock
Men have always preferred a certain way of being woken up by their girlfriends, but in the extreme case that you are suffering from tongue fatigue, then this alarm clock is surely the next best thing. It is a well known scientific fact that men must experience at least one lap dance by the age of 21 otherwise he is liable to turn to dust. If it jiggles, then we need to ogle. We can't help it, it is in a genetic make-up.

You can pick yours up at Gadget Bargains and if you are feeling really giving then a lifetime membership card at Spearmint Rhinos would be a right touch!

Just imagine how good this would
look on the living room wall

8. Signed sports memorabilia 
You know that joke about how men would choose their football team over their wife or girlfriend? Well, it's not a joke. We would sell our own mother if it meant our team won the league title. When a man moves in with a woman, part of him clings on to the hope that one day he'll have a signed 1970 Brazil shirt signed by the whole World Cup winning squad hanging on the living room wall instead of that crappy canvas flower print you insisted we buy from B&Q.

So stop being so damn selfish and give your man what he wants by buying him a little piece of sporting history. Icons.com is not a bad place to start or you can pick up bargains on eBay.

Learn how to cook -
Mafia style!

9. The Wiseguy Cookbook
We all know that men make the best cooks, right? So why not get your man in the kitchen with Goodfella Henry Hill's favorite recipes. Hill was the mobster-turned-rat portrayed in Martin Scorsese's iconic mafia movie starring Ray Liotta and Robert De Niro, and this cookbook lists all his favourite dishes, including the prison dinner meatballs. So if you want to get your man's taste buds tantalising, then avoid Nigel Slater at all costs and make sure you serve up a plate of spaghetti fit for a gangster!

Amazon once again provides a good starting point for this book, and if your man is not the Goodfellas type, then he is sure to love Wookie Cookies in the Star Wars Cookbook!

Give your man hours of nostalgic fun

10. Sensible Soccer Plug 'n' Play
Don't worry about having to splash out hundreds of pounds of the latest Xbox or PlayStation. Long before Fifa and Pro Evolution Soccer came along, there was only one football game that mattered. Sensible Soccer. Utter those two words to any man and it is likely to bring a tear of joy to their eyes as they reminisce about the amazing times they had controlling a bunch of small dots that lost the ball if you changed direction, all played from a birds eye angled view.

This is the gift that your man can take anywhere and it will keep him happy for days. Firebox, Amazon, and eBay still stock this wonderful piece of gaming history!

The Funniest Book Ever!

It never ceases to amaze me how humbled I am every time a reader takes the time to leave such positive comments and reviews for The Drought. Over the past couple of weeks, there have been a couple of real gems from Goodreads readers, and one reader was even kind enough to drop me a note to say it was the funniest book they had ever read!

First up was Goodreads member Andrew. You can read the full review here, but here is a quick snippet of what he had to say:

"It's a definitely recommendation from me. The book is very funny, will keep you entertained throughout - would advise to read in non-public places. Bring on the sequel... it cant come soon enough... this book has totally spoiled the next books i read and will find it very hard to compare anything close to it. 5/5"

And then a couple of days later, Maureen Reil (author of Chick Lit Saved My Life) posted a review saying how much she enjoyed The Drought. Maureen said:

"This is Lad-Lit at its finest and I loved it from start to finish and you can’t say that about many books" 

You can see Maureen's full review by clicking here and check out all of the reviews on Goodreads which now stands at 67 with an average 4 star rating (out of five) by visiting The Drought Goodreads page.

A huge thanks to all of the readers who keep posting their positive feedback! I am plugging away with the follow-up novel and hope to have it ready soon!