The rules for a lads road trip: The 10 Commandments

This is an official book excerpt from comedy novel The Drought. This taken from Chapter 15: Jack's 10 Commandments. At this point in the story the main character, Dan Hilles, has spent 132 days on his sex drought! Desperate to put an end to his barren spell, his friends have planned a lads road trip to Brighton.
As Dan is sitting in his office on the Friday afternoon before the trip, he receives an email from his friend Jack, who has taken it upon himself to declare the rules of the road rip!

Any guy that has been on a road trip knows that there have to be a set of rules that each member must live by, whether it is about picking up chicks or simply drinking copius amounts of alcohol. What follows here is a set of instructions any group of lads embarking on a road trip can follow. Enjoy!


The rules of the road trip by Jack Chatham taken from The Drought
With the clock ticking away, it’s time to start planning the most slut-infested, drink-fuelled, condom-wearing, STD risk-taking, non-dry-humping, two days of our lives.

Now as you all know, Dan has endured five months of torture. So once the Big Guns invade Brighton, it’s time to make a pact...

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

1) Let’s get this party rocking. As soon as we arrive, we roll the red carpet out. We let them know in no uncertain terms that the Big Guns have arrived. We dump the bags and hit the bars.

2) It’s not Groundhog Day. No one is allowed to crack on with the same bint for more than one night. You can keep any little tart you meet on reserve in case you blow out, but I ain’t having any of this meeting up two nights running like boyfriend and girlfriend.

3) Chat-up lines. They will be used. I have a list of them to hit the chicks up with! Belters like: My name is Mr Right, somebody told me you were looking for me!

4) The anthem. Every Big Gun should have one. As soon as the DJ plays this little number, each and every Big Gun must drop what they are doing and hit the dance floor. It’s time to cut shapes.

5) High Fives. Before we go out, each and every Big Gun must line-up while I go down the line issuing high fives all round. Standard high fives will be used (nothing fancy like Top Gun).

6) Power ballads. Before you ask – no, I’m not gay! But there is nothing like hitting the open road, closing your eyes tight, clenching your fist, and belting out lyrics of pure raw emotion. I defy anyone to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart without a tear in your eye.

7) The way of The Hoff. Knight Rider and Baywatch – two absolute rip-snorting gems of TV genius brought to us by one man – David Hasselhoff. What is there not to love about this man? Talking crime-fighting cars, bikini-clad women, awesome super slow-mo running shots, and not to mention a chest rug to be proud of. If we use the way of the Hoff, we won’t go far wrong.

8) Randy van Warmers. Dan, I've got a box full of condoms with your name written all over them so no need to worry about getting chased by sausage dogs this time!

9) The Game. When entering a different postcode, the game begins. You know how it works. You get a point for snogging some old tart, five points for flicking the bean, 10 points if she has a chat with the boy, and 15 points for rumpedy-roo!

10) What happens on tour – stays on tour. Any man who brings a camera to a road trip may be legally castrated and his man-bits thrown to the seagulls to feast on.

Let’s make this one not to forget and help our friend Dan find out whether his winkle still works after all these months! Please print this off and keep it with you at all times. It is imperative that we all know the rules.

Self-Publishing Magazine 'recommends' The Drought!

Nearly 12 months ago I sent a copy of The Drought to Sarah Taylor, the editor of Self-Publishing Magazine to request a review. I had completely forgot all about it until I got home today and found a copy of the magazine on my doormat.

And much to my pleasant surprise, not only had The Drought been reviewed in the Autumn 2012 issue, but it was also the editors 'Recommended' book. Here is the review...


The Drought by Steven Scaffardi
Recommended by Sarah Taylor
The Drought is a hilarious, highly entertaining and completely unfiltered look into the inner workings of the typical male mind! It explores the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of the male brain as they relate to relationships issues, run-of-the-mill blokeish topics, and of course, sex. Readers follow the intimate exploits of average bloke Daniel Hilles as he attempts to break free of the shackles of a previous long-term relationship through various unsuccessful and disastrous attempts at intimacy that have lead to a 'drought'.

Desperate to put an end to this sire situation, Daniel turns to the advice and directions of his closest mates, and ends up making things even worse. Humorous and booze-filled times ensue, painting a striking portrait of male raunchiness and debauchery. Typical and stereotypical male beliefs and values are shared throughout the novel, but not all men will agree with the overtly sexualized outlook in this story. Maybe what Daniel needed, more than typical guy advice, was a bit more common sense and a bit less booze to more rapidly end his drought. With that being said, the novel is a must-read for those that have wondered just what a typical guy thinks about. 

The Drought is a hit for Scaffardi's first novel, is reasonably priced, and the cover quality is superb! 

Top Ten Lad Lit Authors (the male version of chick lit!)

My top 10 lad lit authors!
In a previous post, I attempted to answer the question What is lad lit. Well in this section I am going to attempt to introduce you to of the world of lad lit authors, with a list of some of the most well-known authors in the genre, plus a couple of up-and-coming writers to watch out for...



1. Nick Hornby
The undispited king of lad lit! Hornby has penned some of the great lad lit novels of our time and marked his arrival on the scene with Fever Pitch; a memoir about his obsession with football and Arsenal FC in particular. But it was High Fidelity where Hornby set the benchmark for all aspiring lad lit authors. His tale about thirty-something record shop owner Rob Fleming laid out many of the adult male insecurities with great hilarity. Perhaps the most surprising thing about Hornby is that, despite the huge success of his novels, he has only published six fiction titles since High Fidelity in 1995, with the 2009 novel Juliet, Naked being his latest work.

2. Mike Gayle
Mike Gyale was a features editor and later an agony aunt for girls mags Just Seventeen and Bliss, which probably goes quite some way to explaining why he is so good at understanding the chick lit for men genre. His first book, My Legendary Grlfriend, received fantastic praise and was even heralded as a Bridget Jones Diary for the male audience. Since then Mike's novels have continued to generate great feedback from readers, but some would argue that his style of writing has crossed over from being lad lit to more traditional chick lit author, albeit one that tends to write from the male perspective.

3. Danny Wallace
One of my favourite authors at the moment. Where Danny gets his crazy ideas from are anyones guess, but he writes them so brilliantly that you just can't help but get wrapped up in the story. He is probably best known for Yes Man (which got turned into a Hollywood blockbuster starring Jim Carey) and his award-winning column in Shortlist magazine. But the first Danny Wallace book I read was Friends Like These, where Danny travels around the globe to track down his ex-Primary School classmates. Utterly pointless but totally brilliant at the same time. Danny's recent novel Charlotte Street was his first foray into the world of fiction.

4. Tony Parsons
Tony Parsons is in the same ilk as Nick Hornby, in that he found huge success writing about the trials and tribulations of the thirty-something man. Parsons had written a number of books before he found huge success in 1999 with the multimillion selling novel Man and Boy; the brilliantly engaging novel that follows Harry as he learns to become a father to his son and a son to his aging father, and tries to find love at the same time. Parsons found his niche writing about relationships and often refers to his novels as Men Lit.

5. Nick Spalding
I only recently discovered Nick Spalding, who has enjoyed the successful journey from best-selling indie author to getting a three-book deal with a top publishing house. Another author in the Mike Gayle mould, where there is a very thin line between him being a lad lit or chick lit author. Still, what Spalding does is capture and identify the emotions and feelings from both the male and female characters, as he did so brilliantly with in Love... From Both Sides. It will be interesting to see what he delivers now he has the backing of a big publishing house. I'm watching this space!

6. Matt Dunn
Matt is another one of those authors that I have only recently just come across since I started to delve a bit deeper into the lad lit genre. I haven't read any of of his books yet, but he has had great success with his contemporary romantic comedy novels including Best Man and The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook, which was shortlisted for both the Romantic Novel Of The Year award, as well as the Melissa Nathan Award for Comedy Romance. He's also written about life, love, and relationships for various publications including The Times, Guardian, Cosmopolitan, Company, Elle, Glamour, and The Sun.

7. Ben Mezrich
Ben Mezrich is perhaps not the most obvious name to jump out at you when you think of typical lad lit, but I add him to this list because he has an uncanny ability to spot real-life stories with male leads, and make you want to be that character! You might be more familiar with Mezrich's work on the big screen as he penned the books which the Hollywood smash hits The Social Network and 21 were based on, which starred Justin Timberlake and Kevin Spacey respectively. What Mezrich does so brilliantly is take a true story and use his artistic freedom to create a a really exciting read, albeit from very interesting stories.

8. Steve Carter
Steve Carter is the author of the number one Kindle smash hit Love, Sex, and Tesco's Finest Cava, which reached number one spot in the UK humour and number one in contemporary romance in March 2011. Another indie author who has proved that you can achieve great sales by going it alone, but other than that I don't know too much else about this author, other than his second novel is called Finding Yourself in Seville.

9. Mil Millington
Mil Millington first came to public prominence when he created a web-site entitled Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About. The site's main content was anecdotes describing arguments and misunderstandings between Mil and his German girlfriend Margret, mother of his two sons. Such was the popularity of this site that Mil was offered a publishing deal, and wrote a novel with the same title as his web-site, but with new content, published in 2002.

10. Steven Scaffardi 
You didn't really expect me to write a top 10 list of lad lit authors without including myself did you?! Okay, so it's a little bit cheeky but with each and every positive reader comment and book review that trickles in, I'm confident and hopeful that my name will one day start to appear on other peoples top ten lad lists in the not too distant future. My debut novel The Drought is often compared to some of the authors I have listed here, which I always take as a huge compliment. And if you don't believe me, then just check out the reviews and comments it has been getting yourself!

Lad Lit Book Reviews: The Damage Done by Warren Fellows

The opening few sentences of this book grab hold of you in a vice like grip and attempts to prepare the reader for what is to come. 'Think about the most wretched day of your life' the author asks the reader to contemplate, 'and then imagine 4,000 of those days together in one chunk.'

Australian drug-smuggler Warren Fellows doesn't pull any punches, nor does he ask for your sympathy. But he wants his story to be told, because reading what this man went through - no matter what his crime - leaps at you off the pages like a Thai prison warden bashing you across the head with a bamboo stick.

It's powerful stuff; frightening and unthinkable to imagine that right now - somewhere in the world at this very minute - another human being is suffering the way Fellows suffered for 12 years.

After operating as a cocaine smuggler, an introduction to infamous gangster Neddy Smith leads to Fellows pairing up with Smiths brother-in-law Paul Hayward and sending them to Thailand to smuggle heroin into Australia. 

What Fellows and Hayward didn't realise is that they were already under surveillance before they even left the country, and their world was about to fall apart. Following their arrest and conviction in 1978, the pair are shipped around Thailand's most notorious prisons. Here they suffer such inhumane conditions that will go on to have long lasting effects.

Despite reaching into an intense darkness to tell his tale, Fellows still manages to maintain an engaged tone throughout, and at times can be very amusing. The story about how much inmates have to pay to have sex with a good looking pig (yes, you read that correctly) is delivered with such dry sarcasm that you can't help but smile at the absurdity of the horrible situation he is in.

I've read a few books in this genre and this one is right up there with my favourite In the Shadow of Papillon. Perhaps not the sort of book you want to read on a flight to Bangkok, but then again it will certainly make you think twice about what you get up to at those Full Moon parties!

Advice for Indie Authors: Hints and tips for indie authors!

It is exactly one year ago that The Drought was published in paperback!

I'm certainly no expert by any stretch of the imagination when it comes to writing and publishing a novel. I am still learning with each step I take, but here are some tips that helped me along the way and things that I have learned as an indie author that you might find useful.

Think before you write
Have an idea before you start hammering away at the laptop! Sit down and write down on a piece of paper what your story looks like - the start, the middle, and the end. Who are the characters and how do they all link together? Where does the story happen? It doesn't matter if this changes or takes a different shape when you actually start writing, but it will give you some sort of direction.

Be committed
Unless you are lucky enough to write for a living then you are going to have to give up a lot of your free time to write a novel. For three months solid I wrote every day after work and as much as I could at weekends. It was not easy at the start (and my girlfriend must have thought have dumping me several times!) but slowly you create a routine. Constantly working on your novel not only improves your writing skills, but it will help you develop characters and create new stories.

Don't burn yourself out
Okay, this will sound slightly contradictory after my last point, but allow yourself a break from time to time. Take an evening off, or allow yourself a weekend when you don't switch the laptop on. As long as you are ready to get back into the saddle after a day or two then this will help recharge the batteries, especially if you are working a full-time job and trying to write a novel at the same time.

Always carry a notepad
Every time you think of an idea, write it down. I find the best ideas always come to me when I'm not sitting in front of the laptop. Every idea I think of, I write everything down. After I completed my first draft I still had 10,000 words worth of ideas that I hadn't even used. Referring back to your notes is a great help when you hit a wall or have writers block. In The Drought there is a whole chapter about how much the main character hates going clothes shopping with girls. The majority of this chapter was written on the notepad on my iPhone while my girlfriend was dragging me around Top Shop in Oxford Street!

Music
Try to pick a soundtrack to your book. Like a film, choose songs that represent the tone of your book and create a playlist and listen to it. Let your imagination wander. Some of my best ideas came when I was listening to my iPod on the way home, or when I was out jogging. Music can also jog your memory of real-life events that have happened in your past and can help you come up with ideas for your novel.

Write what you know
I can only advise from a personal experience, and writing about something you have not researched or have little knowledge of is clearly going to be bloody difficult! Even if you manage to write a complete manuscript, chances are your reader won't believe in the story because it won't seem real. It is no surprise that John Grisham practiced criminal law for a decade - his writing clearly demonstrates an author who knows his way around a courtroom. Writing skills aside, that is a major reason why he has been so successful. If you are blessed with a fantastic imagination like J.K. Rowling or J.R.R. Tolkien, then all the power to you!

Don't be too critical
If you have decided to write a novel, you are starting out on a process which can easily take over a year before you will be fully satisfied with your work. Mike Gayle, best-selling author of My Legendary Girlfriend, offers some great advice on his website. He says the first draft doesn't have to be perfect, and that the proudest moment of his career was completing that first draft. Your first draft will always be the one that needs the most work, but as Mike Gayle says, by finishing that first draft you have done something that most people only ever talk about. I finished my first draft in September 2009, and I was still making changes right up until it got published as an eBook in August 2011!

Give your novel to friends... and their friends, and their friends...
Choose people who you trust will give you an honest opinion. Take their comments on board and then go back and start the second draft of the novel. Ask your friends to give it to their friends, and to their friends, and so on and so forth. The more feedback you can get the better. You will be surprised how similar the feedback is, and this can be invaluable in terms of telling you what works and what doesn't.

Get your book proof-read and copy-edited
I checked, re-read, and re-wrote my manuscript dozens of times, and I still could believe how many mistakes I had missed when I had my manuscript proofed. It can be a costly exercise but it is well worth it in the long run. You can find proof-reading and copy-editing services in the Writers & Artists Yearbook with NUJ rates starting at £24 per 2,000 words.

Do your research on self-publishing
So you have sent your manuscript out and tried to secure a literary agent without much luck. If you are like me, you have decided to go down the indie author route. Do your research because the hard work has only just begun. All of the responsibilities a literary agent would take on board are now your responsibilities! This means getting costs to self-publish, choosing and designing a front cover, speaking to book shops to try and get them to stock your novel, sending out press releases and dealing with the local media. The list is endless. The more work you put in, the greater chance your book will stand of gaining exposure, and hopefully increasing sales.

Get by with a little help from your friends
You are going to need all the help you can get to help you along the way. I was lucky enough that I happened to work on the sales team for a magazine serving the print industry, and that the online editor agreed to let me write a blog. That opened doors for me. It helped me make contact with Lynn Ashman, the MD at Pen Press. I was also lucky enough through friends to be put in contact with national newspaper journalists, a television producer, and television presenters. Each one has helped me in some way or another, whether it is by agreeing to read my novel and supply me with reviews, to helping me create a promo video. Think about where you work, the people you work with, your friends and family. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help - the worst someone can say is no.

Keep it local to begin with
Naturally every author wants to see their book reviewed in national newspapers and magazines, and stocked on the shelves of all the major bookstores. But as a self-published author you need to take baby steps. Start by sending your press releases out to local media, and approach local bookstores to see if they are willing to stock your book. Local newspapers love to hear about the achievements of local people, and if you are lucky, gaining enough positive local press reviews might, just might, one day see your novel end up reviewed in the Sunday Times.

Posters, flyers, business cards
Invest in marketing material to help promote the book. If you have asked a local library or bookstore to stock your book, it would be great to have a poster hanging on the wall, or flyers sitting at the counter. Carry business cards and anyone who seems interested in your novel, hand them a business card with your details and details of where they can find your book online. I used a company called Authors Essentials, who specialise in marketing and promotional services for authors.

Create a website or a blog
If you have gone to all the trouble of self-publishing your work, marketing your novel, and sending out press releases to promote your book, then it is crucial to have an area where you point people back to. Think about how you buy things as a consumer. In this day and age, most people will refer to the internet now for more information before they buy. Your website should include details about the book (such as a sample chapter), contact information for the media, and most importantly, where people can buy your book.

Social media
Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube, to name just a few of the social networking tools you have at your disposal completely free of charge. Set-up a Facebook fan page, Tweet details about your novel, and blog as often as you can to raise your profile online. The more you can get people talking about your novel, the better. Check out my previous blog post The social media opportunity for more information. Another fantastic tool is Hootsuite.com, which allows you to schedule and manage all of your social media posts.

Immerse yourself into the book reading community
Go beyond the social media giants like Facebook and find those niche book communities online. I have found lots of great sites that bring book lovers together, and allow indie authors to promote themselves. Goodreads is a fantastic social media site that allows book readers to share and discuss their favourite books. And make sure you are talking to readers in book forums like Kindle Boards or the Book Club Forum, as nothing beats speaking to readers directly.

Invest into an eBook version of your novel
Ebooks have revolutionised publishing across the world. Amazon now sell more eBooks than physical books for its top 1,000 titles, and there are 115 eBooks sold for every paperback. The figures don't lie, so creating an eBook version of your novel makes sense.

Ask readers to write reviews
People will buy from sites such as Amazon based on positive reviews. So if you have had friends read your book and tell you they like it, then ask them to post a review up on Amazon. It won't cost them anything, but it could be priceless for you. And then when you start to engage with readers on social media or in the forums, ask them to write reviews if they are kind enough to give your book a chance!

Enjoy it!
If you don't enjoy the whole process, then maybe writing and self-publishing a novel is not for you. You have to have a real passion for writing, and you more than anyone must believe in yourself. Writing and self-publishing a novel should fill you with a huge sense of achievement. That is what makes all the hard work worthwhile.

Lad Lit Book Reviews: Hitman by Bret Hart

If you watched wrestling in the 80s and 90s then you are going to frickin’ love this book! I can still vividly remember the moment I was exposed to the World Wrestling Federation for the first time. I must have only been 6 or 7 at the time when I religiously watched the Professional Wrestling Show on World of Sport every Saturday afternoon.

However, on one particular Saturday the powers that be at ITV decided not to put its viewers through the delights of obese men bursting out of their leotards, and instead treated us to a rare bout of American Wrasslin’ and boy did addiction take hold of me after that first hit! I’d never seen anything like it before. These larger than life cartoon characters slammed and suplexed the hell out of each other. Hell, I didn’t know what a suplex was before seeing ‘The Million Dollar Man’ Ted DiBiase taking on Hulk Hogan.

And that is where my love affair began. Every week I would tune back in, hoping against hope that they’d put the stars from the U.S. of A back on TV! Occasionally I got my wish, and I’m sure Rupert Murdoch made an absolute fortune selling satellite dishes to parents of children who had begged them to sign up for Sky so they could get their regular WWF fix.

Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart was part of the Hart Foundation with Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart when I first started to tune in, and I watched his career sky-rocket from tag team titles to Intercontinental titles and finally the big one, the World Title! I was there at Wembley in 1992 when he took on the British Bulldog in one of the greatest SummerSlam matches of all time, and I watched on TV when his younger brother Owen tragically lost his life in the ring. I remember the now infamous Screwjob against Shawn Michaels which led to his stint with the WCW.

And it's all in this book! It was like taking a nostalgic trip down memory lane as so much of my childhood, teenage, and young adult life was spent watching the WWF!

Hart delivers expertly from what it was like growing up in a wrestling family in his father Stu's 'dungeon' to making his breakthrough and then becoming a global star. All my old favourites were in there and it was a strange, funny, endearing, and sometimes heart-wrenching read.

There are too many stories to mention, but snippets include how Brutus Beefcake was ridiculed for carrying around Hulk Hogan's bags, my hero the Ultimate Warrior being hugely unpopular in the locker room, and the sad stories of wasted talent and steroid abuse from the likes of the Dynamite Kid.

This book is quite simply as cool as the shades Hart used to hand out to lucky fans, as colourful as his pink tights, and as enjoyable as seeing Vince McMahon wince in the Sharpshooter. If you're a fan of wrestling from that era this is a no brainier! It's the best book about wrestling there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!

Open mic comedians - where are they now? The boys

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #56
On Friday I posted on the two-year anniversary of the day I first ever took to the stand-up comedy stage. After that little trip down memory lane, I started to wonder about all funny people I had met along the way and what might have happened to them.

Well, the internet is a  wonderful tool and here is what I found out about the boys who I used to see on the open mic stand-up comedy circuit (click here for the girls).

Golden Jester 2011 winner: Vahid Jahangard
FOLLOW VAHID ON TWITTER
I had not seen Vahid before I saw him in the Golden Jester comedy competition, but after doing a bit of research I found out at the Middle Eastern comic from Oxfordshire has actually been on the circuit since 2008. He was often described as: "Provides good solid humour with a down to earth attitude. A smart & silly sophisticated comic.”

This video clip was taken back in 2008, and after seeing his act in December in the Golden Jester final, you can now see that he had been on the circuit for a few years and had his act polished and down to a fine art. I couldn't find too much else about Vahid other than he is a 'hotly-tipped rising star' and has been working professional gigs at the Great Comedy Nights events and has been headlining a few gigs.


The giant comedian: Darren Walsh
FOLLOW DARREN ON TWITTER
Darren was one of the most original comedians I saw on the open mic circuit. The guy is super talented combing his time as an actor, director, writer, animator, voice artist, and of course, comedian. He was in the final of the Golden Jester comedy competition in 2011, when I finished as runner-up. Chortle describe him as “A real crowd-pleaser, with originality and personality by the bucketload.”

A runner-up in the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year, Darren Walsh's silly happy-go-lucky style has been compared to Harry Hill, with an act that combines surreal nonsense and snippets of daft songs.


The one to watch in 2012: James Alderson
Another one of my co-finalists from the Golden Jester, James was a comedian a liked as soon as I saw him. He only took up stand-up in 2011, but he rocketed his way up the comedy charts and continues to go from strength to strength. James has moved from frequent opening spots and MC work to headlining many clubs.

James has been described by many as an ‘everyman comedian’ – women laugh at his observations and self-deprecating style, and men laugh with him, feeling his frustrations and understanding his experiences. This relationship with an audience means he is a very skilled compere as well as a popular act. James is currently filming with Objective Productions (of Peep Show & The Cube fame!) playing a major role in a brand new show called Public Eye, planned to air on Channel 4 in the Winter of 2012/2013.

The super-talented: Dan Schreiber
FOLLOW DAN ON TWITTER
Dan Schreiber is a man of many talents. Writer, producer, presenter and most notably a funny man. Dan was brought up in Hong Kong and Australia before moving to England, where at just 19 he became a question writer for the BBC TV series QI.

Dan has since jumped straight into a career with the cream of British entertainment. I saw Dan do a gig at The Old School Yard and he was head and shoulders above everyone that night, and despite that was the only time I had seen him, he was probably my favourite open mic comedian that I had the pleasure to watch on the circuit. It is no surprise to me that he is doing well.

Where have you seen this guy before...?: Steven Scaffardi
FOLLOW STEVEN ON TWITTER
So this is a little bit of shameless self-promotion, but this is my blog after all! Besides, I feel that I've done alright in the last 12 months. Reviews for my lad lit The Drought continue to get fantastic reviews from readers, and I am currently working on my second novel which I'm hoping to have out early 2013.

And after taking this little trip down memory lane, and finding out how well some of the guys I used to see on the open mic circuit are doing, I kind of that bug again to get back on the stand-up comedy bandwagon. Maybe I'll try to get one or two gigs in before the end of the year, and then in 2013, who knows...?