Jack's view on... Geoff Shreeves and Gary Neville - the real heroes at the Nou Camp!

If you're a Chelsea fan, chances are you are waking up with a spot of Morning Glory today. I mean, what an absolute night for the boys in blue. Barcelona huffed and puffed, but couldn't blow the house down. Even Messi missed a penalty (footy fact - Messi has now missed 8 out of 33 penalty's. He is just a poor mans Matt Le Tissier!).

But for me, there were two main highlights last night, and no we are not talking about John Terry trying to give Alexis Sanchez some bum love, or the mis-kick from Torres which led to the final goal. For me, the two blokes who put in a real cracking performance were none other than Geoff Shreeves and Gary Neville! First off, you have to take your hat off to Gary Neville for his uncanny performance of Chris Kamara having an orgasm when Torres netted in the 90th! What was he thinking? Unbelievable!

Oh Gary, I bet Andy Gray is turning in his TalkSport grave watching that piece of camp commentary. But not to be outdone, good old "well done" Geoff Shreeves goes and trumps him by crushing a man's dreams live on TV! You couldn't make it up. Poor old Branislav Ivanovic is trying to enjoy his good times, and Geoff cuts him down like a bad habit!

Geoff was on fire! Later on in the programme he interviewed John Terry about his red card and the fact he'll miss the final as well, and then he goes and reminds JT about that penalty miss in Moscow! Geoff and Gary - I friggin' salute you! Roll on the final - I can't to see what they do next!

Jack Chatham is a fictional character from Steven Scaffardi's comedy novel The Drought. 

Introducing Jack Chatham - the man with lad chat!

Jack Chatham is the effervescent, devil-may-care character from Steven Scaffardi's lad lit novel The Drought. Jack is a firm believer in chat-up lines and one-liners when it comes to pulling the girls, and it is often you will here him coming out with gems such as:

"Do you want to come back to mine for pizza and sex? No? Why not? Don't you like pizza?!"

Starting today, Jack will have his own column on this blog site, dedicated to his views and opinions on everything and anything that might be happening in the world. You can view them by clicking here. 

Jack also has his own way of talking to his friends; using a selection of words and phrases unique to him. He might talk with a cockney accent, but these phrases are spoken by Jack, and Jack only! Here is an example of what to expect...

stroke-er [strōk-er, strōk-er]
tr.v. stroked, strok·ing, strokesUse stroker in a sentence
–adjective,
1. Slang a wanker. He's a right stroker 2. to stroke as in the hand movement, but associated with the male genitalia. I stroked one out last night.

big gun [big guhn]
Use big gun in a sentence
1. Slang popular; like in a social hierarchy: Jack is the big gun 2. Informal A group of people who associate regularly on a social basis: The big guns were out in full force tonight

ab-so-lute [ab-suh-loot, ab-suh-loot]
Use absolute in a sentence
–adjective,
1. Slang Highly appealing or interesting; attractive: she is absolute. 2. excitingly appealing; glamorous: an absolute body.

chode [ch-ohd]
Use chode in a sentence
1. Slang a penis wider than it is long. Ollie has a chode

Vagtable Patch [vaj-tuh-buhl pach]
Use vagtable patch in a sentence
1. A very healthy, clean, delicious vagina comparable to vegetables, a common necessity needed to stay healthy. Always plough the vagtable patch!

Randy Van Warmer [ran-dee van wawrm-er]
Use Randy Van Warmer in a sentence
1. slang Play on words of the name of a 1980s American songwriter and guitarist, in this case to describe a condom. That baby ain’t mine – I was wearing a Randy Van Warmer!

Bro Favor [broh fey-vor]
Use bro favor in a sentence
1. Pronounced like the Spanish ‘por favor’, bro favor is an act of goodwill asked of one’s friend. I need a bit of help, could you do me a bro favor?

fugly [thuhg-uh-lee]
Use fugly in a sentence
1. Slang abbreviation for the phrase fucking ugly. Man, that girl is fugly!

splitarse [split-ahrs]
Use splitarse in a sentence
–adjective,
1. Slang A female. Derived from the fact that they possess a split and an arse. Come here you little splitarse!

Lad Lit Book Reviews: The Godfather by Mario Puzo

For anyone who has not even heard of Mario Puzo’s crime epic The Godfather, I would like you to leave this blog immediately! Seriously, just go. Walk out the door. Don’t turn around now. You, my friend, are not welcome anymore! Oh dear, did that really just happen?

Back to matters at hand, and that being the single greatest piece of literature ever written. There you go, I’ve said it. I can’t even begin to express how much I love this book. Even the old saying ‘The book is better than the movie’ doesn’t even begin to do it justice, and I think the screen adaptation is pretty awesome as well!

The Godfather is truly a literary classic. Set against the backdrop of 1940s New York, it remains a timeless tale as Puzo concentrates on the relationship of its main protagonist rather than the era that surrounds them. At the heart of the story is the Corleone family and the criminal underworld in which they are fully immersed in. The characters are wonderfully crafted from the mild-mannered yet powerful head of the family, Don Vito Corleone, to his live-wire eldest son, Sonny, and of course Michael, the cold and calculated reluctant air to the throne. They are seamlessly woven into this brilliant tale of power, murder, and honour.

Controversy surrounded this book upon its publication in 1969 due to the fact that it romanticized the American Mafia and portrayed them as loyal serving men of honour who only killed their own. But my opinion is that just shows that people back then were as quick to jump on the PC bandwagon as they are today. In many ways, this novel was to that era what computer games like Grand Theft Auto are today. It's just a story, and a great one at that. Get over it!

For those of you that have not seen the film or read the book, I won’t spoil it for you. But what I will say is that even though I knew what was coming at the end (I’d seen the film before reading the book), I was still totally blown away with the way Puzo articulates on the page the thrilling finale which takes you by complete surprise.

Each and every character play their part in bringing this together, and the flashbacks to Don Vito's roots in Sicily and his early days as an Italian immigrant in New York, only serve to offer more depth to the background of this family and at the same time offers the reader a greater insight into the man who has ruled over this crime family.

Mario Puzo set the bar enormously high with this book, and I’m not sure any other mafia fictional story has ever been able to come close. Over the years he has brought the characters back to life through a number of sequels and prequels, and for anyone who is a fan of the original, they are well worth a read as well.

Promo Trailer for The Drought: Do Chat-Up Lines Work?

Stand-up comedian Steven Scaffardi explains why chat-up lines are the way to a girls heart and can help you get them into bed! And these lovely young ladies clearly couldn't agree more. Pay attention boys, Scaffardi knows his stuff! For more laddish fun about a guys point of view on relationships, check out Scaffardi's hilarious debut novel, The Drought! Available now at Amazon and all good bookshops.

Four-star book review on BCF Book Reviews!

I was delighted to see that The Drought had been given such a fantastic book review on the Book Club Forum this week. You can check out the review here on the official site or read the full review below...



The Drought by Steven Scaffardi
WARNING – This book will make you cry… with laughter!
I’m a big fan of lad-lit (I read a hell of a lot more of it than I do chick-lit, and I’m a chick!), and Scaffardi has packed everything you could possibly want into this voyage of self- and sexual discovery. Dan is a tragically comic character – let’s face it, we all know a guy who isn’t so successful with the ladies and tries just a little too hard with hilarious outcomes – and his mates are just as daft. All are present and correct – the smooth cheater who thinks he can bag any woman he fancies (and usually does), the big bruiser who is a bit soft in the head, but his heart is in the right place (and he’s there to pick up the leftovers from the others – all those not-so-pretty friends who are left over when the smoothie has had his pick), and the brains of the outfit who isn’t always quite as sharp as he’d like to think, but usually comes good.

And then there are the women. You know the types – all those scary first dates that ever went wrong and made you the joke of the week with your buddies, all the bunny boilers in the making and clinging vines and whining jealous types, march in and out of poor Dan’s love life without him getting even a sniff of a chance of getting them into bed.

The plot follows a tried and tested path, and you always know where Dan is going to end up come the end of the book, but the journey to get to that point is so funny you don’t care that you know what’s going to happen because you genuinely want it to happen that way.

This has a broad appeal and would be the perfect gift for the lad in your life, or even the chick with a knowing sense of humour who will recognise her man-mates on the pages, and there are sex gags and innuendos galore which will have you giggling from start to finish, while you cheer Dan and his mates along the way.

Reviewed by Kell Smurthwaite

Lad Lit Book Reviews: My Legendary Girlfriend by Mike Gayle

I never would have found Mike Gayle had it not been for my flatmate insisting I read one of his books. I have to admit I wasn't too sure at first. The blurb read a bit too much like chick lit novel for my liking. I'm a man, and I like manly things dammit! Luckily I got past my silly male ego and embraced my metrosexuality, and a good few years later and I'm one of Mike Gayle's biggest fans.

My Legendary Girlfriend was Gayle's first novel, having spent time as a journalist and features writer. This book was a huge success as Gayle followed in the footsteps of fellow lad lit author Nick Hornby to write a book about relationships from a male perspective with very high praise indeed.

English teacher Will Kelly is single and pretty miserable to be honest! Set over one weekend, Will spends most of his time pining over his ex-girlfriend, Aggi, who cheated on him with his best pal. Then Kate enters Will's life in a series of phone calls which start to make Will feel like he has found someone to help him get over his ex.

Dubbed a male version of Bridget Jones Diary, Mike Gayle's first book gets a big thumbs up. I think whether we like to admit these things as men or not, we've all been there when we have pined over a girl a wee to much. We can't help ourselves, we know it's wrong and our friends are probably avoiding us because of it, but we've already gone too far.

That's Will in a nutshell. The guy we've all been and don't ever want to think about it. Like me, you'll probably want to grab Will at times, give him a slap, and tell him to snap out of it!

But Gayle writes in a way that makes you want to keep reading to see what happens, regardless of whether you like Will or not. Not that I disliked Will - as I said, we've all been there, and you end up rooting for Will.

This book will always hold a special place for me as this was my first real introduction to lad lit, and in a way, this was probably one of the biggest influences on me to pursue the idea of writing The Drought.

All in all, I would say that My Legendary Girlfriend is a great read, and once you've read this one you'll be searching for other books by Mike Gayle and trust me - you won't be disappointed!

The dream to be the Next Big Thing comes to an end... for now!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #52
After such a fantastic response from the judges in my first round heat in the Next Big Thing talent competition, I was met with a somewhat subdued reaction from the crowd at Confex at the London Excel arena today.

The fact I had not performed in three months wasn't actually the issue though. It was more to do with the fact that I was in completely alien environment! I am used to performing in pubs and bars, but this was totally different! Despite the professional stage and being able to say I performed at the 'London Excel', I was in fact having to perform a rather risqué comedy routine in the middle of a trade show exhibition at around midday!

My anecdotes of failed encounters with the opposite sex and that dwarf story did not go down too well with business people who were there to look at how different products and services might improve their business! Still, it was a pretty cool experience and because I decided before the end of the year that I was going to take a break from the comedy scene, I wasn't too bothered when the audience gave me a pretty average score.

The talent agency Sternberg Clarke said it best on their blog when they wrote: Stand-Up Comedian Steven Scaffardi had been a crowd favourite in the first heat at Jewel for Event Magazine's Christmas Party but struggled to overcome the challenges of performing at a trade show; a lesson for any performer there - be ready to adapt to your surroundings.

I guess I won't hold my breath waiting for a call from the Plumbers Trade Show Live event to give me a call then about performing!