UK Garage Horse Racing might just be the most brilliant thing I've ever seen!

Any group of lads involved in a WhatsApp group know that you are going to be guaranteed three things: discussions about the next boys night out, footy banter on a weekend, and the links to some pretty funny shit on the internet.

The latter happened to me a couple of days ago when one of my mates introduced me to UK Garage Horse Racing by comedians Ross & Josh - hosts of The Not So Late Show.

This my friends, is genius...

I think it might just be worth keeping an eye out for these two tallywhackers from Leeds...

50 Things that happened in the 90s that will make you feel old! Part 2...

25. It's been nearly a quarter of a century since Nigel Benn fought Chris Eubank...

Just as this generation will look back on the Carl Froch and George Groves fights, we can say we were there when the original British grudge match took place... in 1990!

24. If Neil and Tony still lived together it wouldn't be funny anymore...
It would just be weird that two 52-year-old men were still roommates. That's right, Men Behaving Badly first hit our screens in 1992.

23. Even after 25 years we still love this scene...

Funny how? Like I'm a clown? I amuse you? This menacing scene from Goodfellas still has us lads quoting Joe Pesci's famous line.

22. Fanny packs were cool...
Or so we were led to believe. Even Dwayne Johnson struggles to "Rock" this look! See what I did there? Did you see? Oh shut up, you probably owned a fanny pack!

21. We shaved logos and brands into our hair...
I'm not sure how the craze got started, but it wasn't an uncommon sight in the early 90s to see someone with Nike or Adidas shaved into the back of their hair. Personally I went for WWF, although it was in a barbers so it looked pretty shit and the other kids teased me asking why I had World Wildlife Fund shaved onto my bonce. Sigh.

20. We were there when the East Coast - West Coast beef kicked off...
And it is testament to the music that there are kids born in the 90s who are still listening to 2Pac and Notorious B.I.G. songs today even though they were both murdered over 15 years ago and both cases remain unsolved.

19. Your bedroom probably looked like this...
We were all raving in the 90s. Well, that's when we wasn't at school of course. And just because we couldn't go to all night illegal field raves, it didn't stop us sticking flyers all over our bedrooms walls. Everybody had the Dreamscape: Woodstock 2 flyer on their wall. Everybody.

18. And it's likely you owned a Fantazia bomber jacket...
Or something similar. In order to keep in with the cool crowd you convinced your parents that £70 for this item of clothing was essential. Then you'd go home and listen to a pirate radio station like Touchdown FM where they'd play music like...

17. I'm Raving, I'm Raving...
In my bedroom. With my flyers on the wall. And my Fantazia jacket on. Again, I can't stress the importance that you weren't actually at a rave (after all, you were 14), but once that piano rift hit... forget about it!

16. We must just be the only generation to got to drink transparent Coca-Cola...
22 years ago Coca-Cola brought us clear cola when Tab Clear hit our fridges. The fad didn't last long as by 1994 it was no longer being sold, mainly because it tasted pretty rank. But hey, they tried!

15. They are now remaking shows from our era...
You know you're getting old when this happens. The rich kids of Beverly Hills 90210 first hit our screens in 1990! That means most of the cast are now in their 40s, apart from Luke Perry. He was 40 when they made the show.

14. It doesn't matter how old you are this is still one of the best things ever...
It's Wrestlemania VI. It's Hulk Hogan vs The Ultimate Warrior. It's 1990 and you're 12-years-old. And now you're 36 and this still gets your excited!

13. Lads mags slowly descended into porn for cowards...
In the 90s our favourite female celebrities started to get their kit off more often to the point where you no longer had to embarassingly hide a copy of a porno mag inside a newspaper, and instead you proudly bought FHM or Loaded because, you know, you liked the articles. Plus that blonde bird from that soap got her baps out.

12. You had a proper computer...
Believe it or not, but that Amiga 500 that you spent countless hours on playing Sensible Soccer or Championship Manager actually stopped being made in 1991, which means it is older than some of the people you work with in your office!

11. We will Never Forget...
Well I won't anyway. If there is one thing we knew how to do in the 1990s it was boy bands. Whether it was five bad boys with the power to rock you or everybody in the house of love, the 90s had it's fair share of all male pop groups. But there was only one group that really mattered and 19 years ago we were all drunkenly singing along at the end of the night to this:

10. Gazza cried in 1990...
And 24 years later we're all still crying. Forget 1966, we were too young for that. But this is the World Cup we will tell our kids about - the one where we nearly made it. And then we lost on penalty's to the Germans.

9. Okay, we might talk about this one as well...
Hey, when you think about it, England were pretty good in the 90s! We made it to two semi-finals, the second at Euro 96 when we bought into the fact that Football Was Coming Home. And then we lost on penalty's to the Germans.

8. Kevin Arnold would be 58-years-old this year...
Was there a better show on TV in the 90s than The Wonder Years? Fred Savage (who happens to be 38 now) played the part of young Kevin, who would now be pushing towards retirement age if the show was still running today.

7. The last time you ate a Marathon was 23 years ago...
It was 1991 when the chocolate bar changed it's name to Snickers and it is 16 years since you had an Opal Fruit (aka Starburst)!

6. Alcoholic Lemonade was the best thing since sliced bread...
Especially if you happened to just reach the legal age to drink alcohol and therefore hadn't quite required the taste for beer yet but were still adamant on getting pissed every Friday. Hooch first launched 19 years ago in 1995.

5. Geri Halliwell's famous Brit appearance was 17 years ago...
And I'm not talking about the Union Jack dress either! While that might remain the iconic image from the 1997 Brit performance, most lads also got pretty excited when Ginger Spice fell out of her dress.

4. You were massively disappointed with this film...
In 1991 you probably felt the title In Bed With Madonna was really misleading but you didn't really have anyone to complain to without coming across like a pervert.

3. The Fun House twins are now 42...
Yep, Melanie and Martina who helped out the mullet-haired Pat Sharpe on the real crazy show where anything goes and you fancied like mad are now in their 40's. Think that's bad, the Alessi Twins from Neighbours are now 48!

2. You have been telling people 'You can't handle the truth' for 22 years...
A truly great film can stand the test of times based on how long people quote that particular movie, and since 1992 we have been quoting Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men.

 

1. No one has had a curtains haircut since 1996... 
And looking at this picture, is there any wonder why? What the hell was I thinking?!

50 Things that happened in the 90s that will make you feel old! Part 1...

It pains me that I now work with people who were born in the 1990s. It means that no matter how much I fight it, I am now old. When I was doing my GCSE's, they were pooping in their nappies.It's a sobering thought, but what makes it worse is their blank faces when you mention something that happened in that golden decade. Suddenly you have become your parents and the world as you know it is over.

Why should I be the only one to suffer? If I am going to feel old, then you are going to feel my pain with me. So sit back and enjoy this trip down memory lane and when you're done reach for the zimmer frame and accept that it's all downhill from here...

50. The Box - the music channel we controlled...
Other than MTV The Box was the only other music channel. You'd sit there for ages hoping the three numbers being punched in the bottom of the screen by users around the country was for Slam by Onyx but more often than not it would be that greasy Mexican dude Rico Suave.

49. Back in the day Beyoncé was not the Goddess she is today...
Long before she was Crazy In Love she looked like this. And who bloody remembered that there were four of them in the old days?!

48. Gillian Anderson was the hottest woman in the world...
Twenty-one years ago Dana Scully partnered up with Fox Mulder to solve supernatural crimes in the X Files. Then she got her kit off in FHM in 1996 and we all started looking at her a little differently.

47. Two decades ago PJ was blinded...
Long before Ant and Dec became the multiple Bafta award winning duo they are today, we knew them as PJ & Duncan and it was back in 1992 that this scene shocked a nation in Biker Grove.

46. This is the kid from Jerry Maguire...
Jonathan Lipnicki told us all in 1996 that the human head weighs eight pounds. Now he looks like he could rip your head off.

45. Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with this woman...
The US President denied having an affair with Monica Lewinsky in 1998 and tabloids went wild over what he did or didn't do with a cigar.

44. It was 22 years ago that we were serious as cancer when we said Rhythm is Dancer...
In 1992 our charts featured music from German dance groups like Snap! who topped the hit parade (that's what we called in then) with this classic tune!

 
43. The Nirvana baby looks like the guy out of Busted...
And this year he turns 23 which means he is another one of those annoying people born in the 90s here to torture us! The album Nevermind was released in 1991.

42. Bevis & Butthead are now pushing 40...
It was back in 1993 that the two teenage delinquents first started watching music videos on MTV which means by now they are both approaching midlife.

41. 15 years ago we were all screaming "Whassup" down the phone...
Budweiser's famous slogan aired in 1999 and had everyone poking their tongues out and greeting people like a demented frog. True.

40. We didn't have a clue when it came to fashion...

Come on, hands up - at the start of the 90s we all owned one of these bad boys. In 2012 the shell suit was voted the worst fashion item of the last 50 years.

39. For 20 years we've been hoping Eva Herzigova would say "Hello boys" to us...
One of the most iconic advertisements ever and still stands the test of time (in more ways than one) caused it's fair share of car crashes when this billboard started to appear in 1994.

38. Matthew Le Tissier scored goals like this but it wasn't enough to play for England...

In the mid 90s we were used to seeing the Southampton legend regularly score goals that Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo would be proud of. Not the England manager though, he preferred Carlton Palmer.

37. Oh, and Le Tiss shagged Marylin from Home & Away...
Long before Emily Symons bounced into Emmerdale, she captured our hearts as ditzy Marylin with the big boobs in the Aussie soap 25 years ago! But what were the writers thinking when they hooked her up with  Donald Fisher aka Flat Head?!

 
36. Our Friends have got a little older...
Friends was a worldwide smash but was it really 20 years ago that they first graced our TV screens? No wonder they look a little older these days!

35. K-Ci denied he was going to marry Mary J. Blige on The Word...
Back in 1995 Jodeci were huge and when this interview went out on Channel 4's The Word, Mary J. Blige was none too happy.

34. And this is what Jodeci look like today...
If ever their was a poster campaign boy for not taking drugs then K-Ci is it. It's fair to say that the years have not been kind to the Jodeci boys.

33. Kids from our favourite TV shows are now making sex tapes...
When Elizabeth Berkley got her kit off in Showgirls we all desperately hoped that Kelly Kapowski from our favourite 90s show Saved By The Bell might follow suit one day. We 100% hoped it would be Screech, who is now 37 by the way!

32. Super Mario World rocked our world 24 years ago...
In a world where gamers play against other players from around the world it is hard to believe that we ever got so excited about graphics like this!

31. Oasis and Blur went head to head in the battle of Britpop two decades ago...
Was it really 19 years ago that two of the UK's finest ever bands released Country House and Roll With It in the same week to fight it out for the number one spot?

30. You probably owned a pair of Reebok Pumps...
And nearly 25 years later you still don't have a clue what the pump is actually for other than it looked cool and cost a fortune. If only we'd just stuck with the Air Jordan's.

29. Kevin the teenager is now probably married...
Harry Enfield's creation had all of our parents giving us knowing looks every time Kevin sulked his way on to TV in the early 90s.

 

28. Google was born in 1998...
Which basically means we actually lived through a period when if we wanted to find something out we had three options: 1) The Yellow Pages 2) Call directory enquiries or 3) Get off our lazy arses!

27. Hollyoaks is 20 years old next year...
And Nick Pritchard who has played Tony Hutchinson since the first episode in 1995 turns 40 next year! He is officially a modern-day Ian Beale.

26. Twenty-four years later and if you still know every word...
Will Smith was 21-years-old when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air first appeared in 1990s and the tune has become as iconic as Cheers was for your parents. That's right, you're now in that place.

Top 10 reasons why I should be the sixth member of One Direction

Okay, it's that time of year when we start making some resolutions and today I am throwing my one into the hat. In 2014, my New Year's resolution is to join Harry, Liam, Niall, Zayn and Louis as their sixth member. Here is my top 10 reasons why this should happen:

10. Six of us would be able to beat the shit out of the five in The Wanted
I have been keeping a careful eye on the trash talking that has been coming from those chumps in The Wanted and I don't like it one bit (although it is a bit like watching a re-run of the Take That and East 17 feud which is pretty cool). The problem 1D have here is that those boys in The Wanted look a bit harder, and they have that Tom Parker dude who looks like he could have just stepped off the Aylesbury Estate on the Old Kent Road. But with me in the band we have the numerical advantage plus I have taken one Thai Kick Boxing class, so I'm ready to kick some butt. I also know how to use Twitter.

9. I have already perfected the air-grab technique
If there is one must-have thing that all boy-banders should have in their arsenal, it has to be the air-grab technique and clearly as this picture demonstrates - I have it down to a T! If you look carefully, my hand is perfectly poised to clench at precisely the right moment and the emotion etched in my face tells you I mean every single word of the song I'm singing; which just happens to be boy band classic MMMBop by Hanson.

8. Zayn needs a best man for his upcoming wedding with Perrie from Little Mix
I have no idea when this wedding is taking place, but if I am to perform best man duties to the best of my abilities, it's important that I join the band sooner rather than later so me and Zayn can bond like brothers. We all know how important the best man duties are - they include:

• Arranging the stag-do (Center Parcs here we come! Harry will love it - there are some right old tarts there)
• Getting Zayn to the church on time (no expense spared mate, Addison Lee all the way) 
• Singing Margate by Chas & Dave as Perrie walks down the aisle (honestly mate, it's what she would have wanted)
• Writing an awesome speech where I regale tales of our childhood (you're from Mitcham like me right?)
• And the most important best-man task of them all - sleeping with the bridesmaids (Zayn, which one is Perrie? I promise I won't touch her...)

7. My autobiography is already out
No self-respecting pop star can be expected to be taken seriously without having their own autobiography out within five minutes, and luckily I am way ahead of you - my autobiography is already out! Granted, some of the names and places have been changed but these were just down to legal reasons. In typical celebrity autobiographical fashion, at the heart of my self-penned book The Drought is a story of struggle and  adversity which I had to overcome. That's right, it's a story about how I suffered a sexual drought and couldn't get my leg over for eight months. Just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye. Maybe we should move on...

 

6. I can cut some serious shapes on the dance floor!
Those 1D boys looked like they had a blast making that Best Song Ever video but a sixth member would have really completed the circle. Someone once commented on my dancing: "You look like Frankenstein on acid" which was nice. So I reckon I'd fit straight in. I wouldn't need any training, I'd just rock up and let it all go. The only thing I ask is that you give me a bit of time to get up to speed. As the picture suggests my timing is a little out at the moment...

5. I am already used to performing in front of big(ish) crowds
I am well aware that One Direction have the odd fan or two and spend a lot of time in front of big crowds at their sell-out concerts, but I do not find this daunting; not in the slightest! You see, I am already comfortable performing in front of crowds. Back in 2011 during my my stand-up comedy days I spent 12-months going up and down London, sometimes performing whole five-minute comedy routines in front of audiences as big as 13 or 14 people. I'm ready for the crowds 1D have in store for me - no problem!

4. I know how to treat the ladies
Being in One Direction brings a certain amount of responsibility, especially when it comes to the ladies. Whether it's thousands of adoring screaming female fans or celebrity girlfriends, you can't be in 1D without having a certain flair with the opposite sex and I have that in abundance. So bascially lads, what I'm saying is that I'm ready to do my duty as a good One Direction band member and tackle the likes of Rihanna, Kelly Brook, and Susan Boyle. And if you don't believe me, then just check out my video on how to become a player...

3. Harry Styles needs a proper wingman
It's been a tough year for poor old Harry. The guy just can't seem to catch a break when it comes to the ladies, but as I have clearly demonstrated above, I know exactly what to do when it comes to finding the perfect woman and winning her heart. I think Harry's main problem is that he has been making poor choices when it comes to his wingman selection policy. Rumour has it that Harry jetted off to Las Vegas with Justin Beiber at the start of the year to help them get over their break-ups with Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez respectively. That's your problem right there sunshine - what does Beiber know about getting girls? And as for your choice of location, you have a lot to learn. If you really want to meet the right woman, you can't go wrong with the Wetherspoons in Mitcham. Full of birds, and all around the age group you like as well...

2. I have been in a boy band before
That's right, I have walked the walk and talked the talk. I don't step up to the plate without being to back it up. I have already tasted the highs and lows of being in a boy band; mostly lows if we're being honest. The only real high was when we were in Amsterdam but that was more of a herbal high than a successful high, but I digress. Please allow me to present my boy band CV:

Old Spice: 2002
This is me and the boys at the Brit awards in 2002. We weren't actually nominated for any awards, or even invited for that matter. In fact we had to all chip in and pay for a table which was the beginning of the end for the group as we blew our entire album budget on that table. From right to left to right we have Ginger Spice, Bald Spice, Champagne Spice, Ethnic Spice and at the front is Paul O'Grady Spice.

United Nations: 2006
This was back in the days when I was throwing down some urban beats, so I put together a group to fill the gap left by bands such as Damage and S Club Seven. The boys laid down the vocals and combined with my expert rapping skills, we could have been huge but we got embroiled in a bitter legal battle over our name as some organisation reckoned they had it first. Whatevs.

No Direction: 2011
I went on that reality TV show God Loves a Trier hosted by John McCririck where they were putting a boy band together. Only four auditioned so we roped one of the cleaners in to join. Problem is, McCririck was also our manager and he bet most of our record deal on the horses, which only left us with enough cash to make one of us look like a real boy band member. That created friction and the band split.


1. I know how to reinvent myself
If you want longevity in this crazy pop star world, then you must be able to reinvent yourself. All the greats know how to do exactly just that to preserve their careers. Just look at the likes of Madonna, Robbie Williams, and Gareth Gates. They all have that magic formula to keep things interesting and make sure the fans don't get bored. I am a master of the reinvention; and I have been known in some circles as The Chameleon such is the way I am able to alter my look; whether it is my dress-sense or my haircut. And if you don't believe then just check out this bad boy...

So there you have it 1D. I have made my pitch and I will now patiently, yet confidently, wait by the phone for Harry, Liam, Niall, Zayn or Louis to give me a call. If you all look into your hearts, you know deep down that 2014 won't be the same without Champagne Steve in your ranks. Come on!