If The Drought was a movie... Part 4: Dapper Laughs (@dapperlaughs) as Jack Chatham

This is the one I’ve been waiting for! They say save the best for last and arguably Jack Chatham is the show stealer when it comes to The Drought. He is the one character I get the most feedback from readers about; the guy who gets quoted more than any other and the one who people often tell me he is their favourite. Despite the fact he’s a sexist, a cheat and verging on being a complete chauvinist, it seems that fans of The Drought simply can’t get enough of his cheeky-chappy laddish behaviour!

He is also the most fun character to write because he knows no boundaries. In the right group of friends, he is the type of guy you want on a night out with you. You know he’s probably going to end up doing or saying something that the politically incorrect brigade would have a field day over but you don’t really care. You know what you are going to get with Jack – a complete and total 24-carat lad!

Jack is an amalgamation of a few people I know, but two guys in particular who I have worked with, even if I have overly exaggerated his outlandish personality for comedy effect. Jack’s diminutive stature has given him a fair share of small-man syndrome so what he lacks in height he tries to make up for in voice, and bot does he have an opinion! Some of his classic quotes include:

On arranging to meet a girl for the first time:
‘Wherever you go, make sure you arrange to meet somewhere out in the open so you can get a good look at her beforehand. I’m sure Grace is a good-looking girl, but we all had our beer goggles on that night. She could be a right old bow-wow. In which case, ditch her there and then. Give me a call and we’ll go for a beer instead.’

On why God is a woman:
‘If God was a man then why would he put his G-spot up his arse?’

On reasons why he doesn’t want to stay in a gay bar:
‘This isn’t The Flintstones – I’m not going to have a gay old time.’

On why doggy is the best sexual position:
‘The doggy position means you don’t have to look at her face if she is fugly.’

On whether he’d sleep with another girl behind his girlfriend’s back:
‘Would I cheat? In a heartbeat.’

In terms of who I would have play Jack in a movie version of The Drought I’ve always said in the past that he is a cross between Danny Dyer and Jay from The Inbetweeners. Danny Dyer because he is a bit of a geezer and mockney-cockney, and Jay because he likes to boast about his ability with the opposite sex, although it’s fair to say Jack has more success than Jay. Jack is a numbers man – he dives in and chats up as many girls as he can, figuring that at some point he’ll hit the jackpot or at the very least find one who is drunk enough to give in to him!

But in recent weeks I have decided that there is only one man who could play Jack – the one guy who fits the bill probably even more perfectly than the other three characters I’ve done this week. And that man is my new favourite social media comedy hero – Daniel O’Reilly aka Dapper Laughs!

Even though I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m now in my mid-30s and the inevitable crawl towards the big 4-0, I still like to think I’m a big lad at heart and nothing makes me laugh more than good old classic lad behaviour, and no one personifies that better than that man Dapper Laughs (check out my top 10 favourite Vine video clips from Dapper Laughs). This man is Jack all over and it is a total no-brainer that I would pick him. If you are a fan of Dapper Laughs then you’d be a fan of Jack Chatham!

And that completes the line-up of actors to play the characters in The Drought movie! See all of The Drought 'move stars' by clicking here.  Let me know what you think!

Top 10 Luis Suarez meme's doing the rounds after his 4-month FIFA suspension for biting at the World Cup!

You have to love this modern world in which we live. Back in the day when a big footy story like this broke we had to wait until we got to the pub for the banter to start flying around, but now thanks to social media we have it in instant!

So Kop Dracula have been given a 9-match man from international football and a 4-month global ban from all football activity meaning Luis Suarez can't even enter a football stadium (which is probably seen as a more of a gift if you're a fan of Scottish football). Personally I think the ban is too lenient and I put together a list of appropriate punishments yesterday which would have been far better in my opinion.

But what's done is done and now it's time to let the wonderful world of Facebook, Twitter, Vine and YouTube do what they do best. And here you have it - my personal favourite Luis Suarez meme's in the aftermath of his Fifa ban...!

1. BREAKING: Following news of #Suarez ban, Liverpool have agreed the re-signing of Andy Carroll on a four month loan (via @theRome84 on Twitter)

 
2. Suarez hearing the news he has only been banned for 4 months... (via Sporting News on Vine)

3. Suajaws (via @Chrisreed619 on Twitter)

4. Playstation release a "cheat" as to how to bite with Luis Suarez on FIFA (via @BenchWarmers on Twitter)

5. Suarez bit my finger (via Soccer Hype on Vine)

6. Suarez was here (via @Brilliant_Ads on Twitter)

7. BREAKING: Luis Suarez has this morning been captured by Brazilian Police (via @BBCSporf on Twitter)

8. Rickie Lambert reacts to news that Luis Suarez will be out for 4 months! (via @TSBible on Twitter)

9. Luis Suarez has a new video game (via James Dator on Vine)

10. Just met Louis on the beach!!!! (via @chris_kammy on Twitter)

If The Drought was a movie... Part 3: Will Poulter (@PoulterWill) as Ollie Pemberton

Whenever I think of the character Ollie Pemberton, I always seem to drift back to one particular afternoon I spent sitting in a pub in Mitcham a good few years ago with the friend who I based the character on. It was a bit of a rough old pub, but it was within walking distance of our houses and it served beer so it was good enough for us. As usual I was taking the piss out of him; he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and therefore an easy target when I wanted to amuse myself. It wasn’t exactly intelligent banter, but it didn’t matter. After all, here was a guy who twice in the space of a month tried to dye his hair peroxide blonde to look like Eminem but ended up ginger both times.

No matter how many times I made a joke at his expense, that big dopey grin of his remained permanently plastered across his face; a cigarette often dangling from his mouth. It was as though he didn’t have a care in the world apart from what time the pub opened and where his next shag was coming from. He was a simple guy with simple needs and all too often would say things without thinking. One of my favourite quotes of his came when we was watching an England football match and he was wearing a replica shirt. When a friends little brother asked him what the difference was between the football top he was wearing and the ones the players on TV had on his reply was: “The only difference is if I was playing I would have my name across the back and my number – nutter.”

And when a girl who he was dating bragged about how big his manhood was, we got him T-Short made up for our lads holiday in Crete which read on the front The Beast of Greece has Returned and we put the number nine on the back but with the inches symbol just below it. Whenever girls asked if they could see his well-endowed member he would shove his hands into his pants and rub himself to the point of excitement explaining ‘I’ve only got a semi.’

He played and had the frame of a rugby player, but smoked and drank too much to ever really be considered an athlete. But despite the fact that he probably could have squashed me (and God knows I deserved it the amount of ribbing I used to give him) not once did he ever get pissed off or display any aggression, and I guess I never really saw him as the type of guy that could quite easily rip your arm off like pulling the wing from a fly.

But the reason I think I always think of that afternoon in that Mitcham pub whenever I think about the Ollie character is because of what happened that day. There was a guy in there who’d had a bit too much to drink and was looking to start a fight with anyone he could. I happened to unfortunately wander within his eye line and he threatened to batter me on the basis I’d spilt his drink or knocked his pork scratching’s out of his hand. I can’t remember the exact reason, but it was ridiculous whatever it was. I’m not exactly a fighter and this guy was clearly a bit of a bad lad who probably had two or three punch-ups a day. But at the precise moment where I was probably about to poop myself, my mate appeared from behind me and asked if there was a problem. That was all he said. He didn’t say it with any malice or anger but at the same time he carried himself in a way that said ‘don’t fuck with me!’

It worked a treat. Within seconds the guy who wanted to batter me backed away, My mate stood his ground for a few seconds longer before he turned to me and said: ‘You shit yourself there didn’t you?!’ And then he laughed and that big dopey grin returned to his face.

I included that story in The Drought because I think it captures perfectly who Ollie Pemberton is. He’s a stereotypical big friendly giant; by no means is he the brightest spark and he will do and say before thinking, but his loyalty to his friends is never in question, and like that day in the pub where I completely fell to bits, not once did he lose his head and he had the presence of mind to use his own strengths (his size) to defuse things without even raising his voice.

For the choice of who I’d choose to play Ollie in my fantasy movie version of The Drought I could have quite easily gone with someone who simply just looked the part – big and thick! But I think when you read the book you’ll find that some of funniest and sometimes most subtle of comedy moments come from Ollie. That is why I opted for Will Poulter because not only is he a brilliant comedic actor (Meet the Millers) but he can also have an air of danger about him (Wild Bill).

In a way, Ollie Pemberton is somewhere in the middle of the two characters Poulter played in Meet the Millers and Wild Bill but with a healthy sprinkle of Trigger from Only Fools & Horses! The fact that Poulter happens to look a lot like my friend who I based the character on is a bonus for me, but probably not so much for Will Poulter!

The Top 10 punishments FIFA should impose on Luis Suarez following his World Cup bite

Roy Hodgson could not have planned it better himself. As England's worst World Cup performance since 1958 ended in a rather uninspiring goalless draw with Costa Rica, Luis Suarez was doing his best to make sure he grabbed all the headlines by sinking his teeth into Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini.

Of course, we shouldn't be surprised. Here is a man who has twice bitten opposing players on the field of play previous to this incident, but that is all the more reason why Fifa need to come down on the man universally regarded as football's answer of Hannibal Lecter.

But what can you do to stop this man? Clearly a ban doesn't work and any fine is merely a drop in the ocean for these millionaire footballers. Nope, Fifa need to come up with something that is going to hit Suarez where it hurts. A punishment so bad that he'll never dine out on a sportsman again. So without further ado, here is my top 10 punishments Fifa should impose on Luis Suarez following his World Cup bite...

10. Make him to change his name to Chewy Suarez by deed poll
That's right, the media-imposed name given to Suarez which reflects his tendency to take a bite out of opponents should be forced upon him by law. And not only that, he should be forced to wear a Star Wars Chewbacca costume at all times. If he wants to act like a dog then he should dress like one. And he should not be allowed to return to a football pitch until he has entered Crufts and won. This includes eating nothing but dog feed up until that point. A sniffing butts.

9. Take part in a four-man handicap WWE tag team muzzle match
Suarez is forced to take part in a WWE wrestling match where he must face the three men he has bitten in a no hold barred handicap match where anything goes. Already equipped with wrasslin' nicknames such as The Cannibal of Ajax and The Kop Canine, plus his trademark finishing move The Chomp, Suarez will feel right at home in the WWE despite the fact he has the odds stacked against him by taking on Otman Bakkal, Branislav Ivanovic and Giorgio Chiellini. The big stipulation in this one is that is Suarez loses he must wear a muzzle for the rest of his days.

8. Restrict his earning power by selecting what products he can endorse
A £100,000 fine might not make much of a dent in Suarez's pocket, but if FIFA were to enforce an embargo on what he can and can't endorse, not only would that hit him in his pocket but we could all have a bit of fun at his expense. So forget Nike and Adidas, from now on Suarez has to endorse kids games like Hungry Hippo, or in this case Hungry Hungry Suarez. And furthermore, Suarez should be forced to stand in for other footballer's ad campaigns which means England fans only have to suffer the humiliation of their team exiting competitions early rather than putting up with the terrible efforts of Joe Hart or Daniel Sturridge trying to flog shampoo and sandwiches.

7. Carry out community service with Shaun Custis
It's fair to say that Suarez is not a fan of the British press. He genuinely believes that a lot of his issues in England stem from an agenda set by the  journo's rather than say, oh I don't know, racially abusing Patrice Evra! Not 48 hours prior to his third installment of is very own Jaws sequel (see below), Suarez was having a little dig by saying his two-goal heroics against England was spurred on by the bad press he receives in the UK. Even after that Chiellini bite the Uruguay camp were insisting the whole incident was nothing but a conspiracy dreamed up by the English! So with no love lost there whatsoever, what better way to punish Suarez than by making him carry out community service at a British tabloid? And to make matters worse, let's put him under the tutelage of that wally Shaun Custis at The Sun. With a bit of luck Suarez will sink his fangs into that prized plonker.

6. Torture him by making him watch the same video again and again and again...
Torture comes in many different forms. Sleep deprivation is one form while US interrogators take to blasting loud rock music at irregular intervals to break prisoners of war. Well if Luis Suarez insists on biting people time and time again he should be forced to endure his actions time and time again. Add to this video the soundtrack of Another One Bites The Dust continuously playing on loop in the background and Suarez will hopefully learn his lesson. I would have suggested making him watch Robbie Savage's Greatest Footballing Moments but that video would be shorter than the one below. Besides, it's not like Suarez killed anyone - even that punishment would be tad too severe here.

5. Hand him a probation period where he must wear a lampshade on his head
Whatever the punishment dealt out to Suarez, there needs to be some sort of probation period put in place when he returns, a bit like an electronic tag that a criminal might have to wear when released from prison. In this circumstance Suarez should only be allowed to play if he wears a pet lampshade collar, just in case the moment takes him again...

4.  Make him shower naked with Tony Pulis
Just ask James Beattie about this one - a wet, naked and angry Tony Pulis is not a sight you want to encounter. Back in 2009, the then Stoke manager headbutted striker Beattie while completely starkers (apart from his baseball cap of course) following a defeat to Arsenal. The story goes that Pulis was incensed over a comment Beattie had made about the club's Christmas party so just imagine what he'd do if Suarez tried to take a little nibble out of his Pulis. Finish him!

3. He has to play in vest and pants for a season
It's an indignity we all faced at school. Having forgot to pack your P.E. kit the teacher makes you play in your vest and pants, much to the delight of the other teasing children, and unnervingly looking back, much to the teacher's delight as well. It was the ultimate form of punishment which made sure you never forgot your kit again. For one full season, Suarez should be forced to play in his underwear and not even a note from his mum will make a blind bit of difference. That'll learn ya sunshine!

2. New goal celebration
Twice England fans had to watch that smug little git reel away kissing his wrist last week as Uruguay put England the the sword, and opposing fans of Liverpool saw it all far too often last season. So from now on Fifa should insist that whenever Suarez scores he is not allowed to kiss his wrist and instead must rush towards the crowd in an attempt to kiss the wrists of as many opposing fans as possible, hopefully resulting in a few punches to the face along the way.

1. Force him to play for England
It's the one nightmare footballer's fear the most. Penalty misses, early tournament exits, your skipper shagging your bird - there is an endless list of woes from pulling on the white of England. So what better punishment for Luis Suarez than forcing him to play for England with no chance of early international retirement. Better still, once Suarez does finally hang up the boots he should be put in place as England manager to prolong the excruciating pain. You think a life sentence is bad? Try 48 years of hurt. Boom!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 2: Douglas Booth (@DouglasBooth) as Rob Devlin

Let's face it lads, we all know a guy like Rob Devlin. He's the type of guy who wakes up in the morning and without a hair out of place. The type of guy who makes getting a girls phone number look as routine as an England World Cup exit.The type of guy you'd love to bloody hate if he wasn't so frickin' cool!

Rob is not only Dan's best friend, he is the Vinny Chase (from Entourage) to his group of friends. He's the grenade they throw into enemy lines (or groups of girls) and once the explosion goes off, they are there to feed on the scraps left behind.

Yep, there is no denying that a guy like Rob is a useful weapon to have at your disposal. Once you finally accept that your role within the friendship is to sneak in and chat up the friend of the girl that happens to take Rob's eye. The best you can hope for in that situation is that you don't come up against that classic hot chick/ugly chick combo (the one where good looking girls pair themselves off with facially challenged friends in order to enhance their own looks), because we don't mind playing the wing-man to our good-looking pal but not at the expense of constantly being paired off with a girl who looks like Luis Suarez with long hair.

So the type of actor I'd like to play Rob in the make-believe-world of The Drought being made into a movie would clearly need to have the looks and charisma, but he'd need to mix it with a little bit of lad arrogance. In other words, he needs to be able to carry himself as one of the chaps.

It took me a while to think of someone who would do the part justice. For a while I kept coming back to Rob Pattinson, but for whatever reason he didn't quite feel right. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that all I could think of was Twilight and then I'd stab myself in the eye with a dull butterfly knife.

So I went back to square one and Googled young male actors.And then something happened that I wasn't expecting.

My wife checked my search history, looked at me funny, broke down in tears and through her sobs asked me why I had hidden my gay tendencies from her for all these years. It was an awkward moment, which didn't exactly get any better when I explained I was searching for actors to play a character in a film that will be never be made things were all good in the world again. The tears stopped but the funny looks didn't. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.

After 10 minutes or so of searching I found my Rob in Noah actor Douglas Booth. At first glance he looked the part and certainly matched the appearance that I had of Rob in mind and I thought he'd pair off nicely with Alex Carter as Dan. But what about his personality? Did that match?

How the hell do I know if the personality matched?! I don't know the guy and to be honest, this whole search for the perfect actor to play Rob had already resulted in my wife going from thinking I am gay to thinking I'm just an oddball spending too much time on pointless activities. As far as I'm concerned, this task hasn't exactly done me any favours so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and go with Douglas Booth. Don't let me down sunshine!

Three bites and you're out! Luis Suarez is at it again as he bites back at the World Cup!

Can you frickin' believe it? Luis Suarez is up to his old tricks again. They say it comes it three's and it seems as though Suarez is no exception to the rule as it is believed he has bitten Italy's Giorgio Chiellini during their World Cup match this afternoon. You couldn't make it up. This is the third time the Liverpool striker has bitten an opponent on the field of play - they should use the three strike rule: three bites and you're out! Ban him!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 1: Alex Carter (@alexcarterltd) as Dan Hilles

Dan Hilles
Dan is main character in the story; the unfortunate chap who happens to be experiencing a rather stressful lack of sexual activity, hence The Drought. I'm sorry to say that Dan is loosely based on a rather testing period in my life (and by loosely I mean mean 90% is based on fact and by testing I mean a nightmare eight month period where I couldn't get a sniff of any action!) so I have a certain affinity with him.

And clearly if Dan is based on yours truly then we are talking about a rather special leading man to take on the role. I've plundered a lot of my own characteristics into this guy so clearly we are going to need someone with immaculate style, a hefty dose of panache, a classy guy who oozes charisma and of course is blessed with the type of rugged good looks that would leave David Beckham feeling a tad envious.

Step forward mister Kit Harrington. I'm sure you'd agree it's the obvious choice... sorry, what was that noise you just made. For a moment it sounded like stifled laughter. No, wait. It's not stifled laughter. It's quite clearly a rip-roaring trombone howl of laughter. Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly like the Game of Thrones actor; in terms of both appearance and personality. Granted, he's good looking and bloody cool, whereas my alter ego Dan is fairly average looking and funny in a down on your luck type of way. So this selection is best taken out of my hands and given the choice by the people who know me best, and I'm fairly sure they'd opt for Alex Carter, better known as Lee Hunter from Hollyoaks. Is that stifled laughter again?!

More than once I've been likened to the fictional yet hapless and unlucky-in-love soap character, and given a few tweaks to his TV persona I reluctantly conceive that he could be the man to take Dan on. Granted the Oldham born actor would need to adopt a London accent, but his personality fits the bill perfectly for Dan who suffers more than one indignity as he attempts (and fails) to woo the opposite sex into bed.

The part of Dan calls for it's fair share of comedy moments and Carter, who picked up the Best Comedy Performance gong at the 2004 British Soap Awards, fits the bill perfectly in that respect. Plus his Lee Hunter character wasn't exactly a hit with the ladies either so he already has something in common with Dan! Whether it's situations where Dan gets so blind drunk on a first date that he ends up dancing like an octopus that had only two tentacles left and was trying to compensate for the missing six or the part where he gets beaten up by a barmaid, I'm confident the boy Carter would deliver with great comedy timing.

Okay, one down, three to go! Tomorrow is Dan's best friend Rob...