The Top 10 punishments FIFA should impose on Luis Suarez following his World Cup bite

Roy Hodgson could not have planned it better himself. As England's worst World Cup performance since 1958 ended in a rather uninspiring goalless draw with Costa Rica, Luis Suarez was doing his best to make sure he grabbed all the headlines by sinking his teeth into Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini.

Of course, we shouldn't be surprised. Here is a man who has twice bitten opposing players on the field of play previous to this incident, but that is all the more reason why Fifa need to come down on the man universally regarded as football's answer of Hannibal Lecter.

But what can you do to stop this man? Clearly a ban doesn't work and any fine is merely a drop in the ocean for these millionaire footballers. Nope, Fifa need to come up with something that is going to hit Suarez where it hurts. A punishment so bad that he'll never dine out on a sportsman again. So without further ado, here is my top 10 punishments Fifa should impose on Luis Suarez following his World Cup bite...

10. Make him to change his name to Chewy Suarez by deed poll
That's right, the media-imposed name given to Suarez which reflects his tendency to take a bite out of opponents should be forced upon him by law. And not only that, he should be forced to wear a Star Wars Chewbacca costume at all times. If he wants to act like a dog then he should dress like one. And he should not be allowed to return to a football pitch until he has entered Crufts and won. This includes eating nothing but dog feed up until that point. A sniffing butts.

9. Take part in a four-man handicap WWE tag team muzzle match
Suarez is forced to take part in a WWE wrestling match where he must face the three men he has bitten in a no hold barred handicap match where anything goes. Already equipped with wrasslin' nicknames such as The Cannibal of Ajax and The Kop Canine, plus his trademark finishing move The Chomp, Suarez will feel right at home in the WWE despite the fact he has the odds stacked against him by taking on Otman Bakkal, Branislav Ivanovic and Giorgio Chiellini. The big stipulation in this one is that is Suarez loses he must wear a muzzle for the rest of his days.

8. Restrict his earning power by selecting what products he can endorse
A £100,000 fine might not make much of a dent in Suarez's pocket, but if FIFA were to enforce an embargo on what he can and can't endorse, not only would that hit him in his pocket but we could all have a bit of fun at his expense. So forget Nike and Adidas, from now on Suarez has to endorse kids games like Hungry Hippo, or in this case Hungry Hungry Suarez. And furthermore, Suarez should be forced to stand in for other footballer's ad campaigns which means England fans only have to suffer the humiliation of their team exiting competitions early rather than putting up with the terrible efforts of Joe Hart or Daniel Sturridge trying to flog shampoo and sandwiches.

7. Carry out community service with Shaun Custis
It's fair to say that Suarez is not a fan of the British press. He genuinely believes that a lot of his issues in England stem from an agenda set by the  journo's rather than say, oh I don't know, racially abusing Patrice Evra! Not 48 hours prior to his third installment of is very own Jaws sequel (see below), Suarez was having a little dig by saying his two-goal heroics against England was spurred on by the bad press he receives in the UK. Even after that Chiellini bite the Uruguay camp were insisting the whole incident was nothing but a conspiracy dreamed up by the English! So with no love lost there whatsoever, what better way to punish Suarez than by making him carry out community service at a British tabloid? And to make matters worse, let's put him under the tutelage of that wally Shaun Custis at The Sun. With a bit of luck Suarez will sink his fangs into that prized plonker.

6. Torture him by making him watch the same video again and again and again...
Torture comes in many different forms. Sleep deprivation is one form while US interrogators take to blasting loud rock music at irregular intervals to break prisoners of war. Well if Luis Suarez insists on biting people time and time again he should be forced to endure his actions time and time again. Add to this video the soundtrack of Another One Bites The Dust continuously playing on loop in the background and Suarez will hopefully learn his lesson. I would have suggested making him watch Robbie Savage's Greatest Footballing Moments but that video would be shorter than the one below. Besides, it's not like Suarez killed anyone - even that punishment would be tad too severe here.

5. Hand him a probation period where he must wear a lampshade on his head
Whatever the punishment dealt out to Suarez, there needs to be some sort of probation period put in place when he returns, a bit like an electronic tag that a criminal might have to wear when released from prison. In this circumstance Suarez should only be allowed to play if he wears a pet lampshade collar, just in case the moment takes him again...

4.  Make him shower naked with Tony Pulis
Just ask James Beattie about this one - a wet, naked and angry Tony Pulis is not a sight you want to encounter. Back in 2009, the then Stoke manager headbutted striker Beattie while completely starkers (apart from his baseball cap of course) following a defeat to Arsenal. The story goes that Pulis was incensed over a comment Beattie had made about the club's Christmas party so just imagine what he'd do if Suarez tried to take a little nibble out of his Pulis. Finish him!

3. He has to play in vest and pants for a season
It's an indignity we all faced at school. Having forgot to pack your P.E. kit the teacher makes you play in your vest and pants, much to the delight of the other teasing children, and unnervingly looking back, much to the teacher's delight as well. It was the ultimate form of punishment which made sure you never forgot your kit again. For one full season, Suarez should be forced to play in his underwear and not even a note from his mum will make a blind bit of difference. That'll learn ya sunshine!

2. New goal celebration
Twice England fans had to watch that smug little git reel away kissing his wrist last week as Uruguay put England the the sword, and opposing fans of Liverpool saw it all far too often last season. So from now on Fifa should insist that whenever Suarez scores he is not allowed to kiss his wrist and instead must rush towards the crowd in an attempt to kiss the wrists of as many opposing fans as possible, hopefully resulting in a few punches to the face along the way.

1. Force him to play for England
It's the one nightmare footballer's fear the most. Penalty misses, early tournament exits, your skipper shagging your bird - there is an endless list of woes from pulling on the white of England. So what better punishment for Luis Suarez than forcing him to play for England with no chance of early international retirement. Better still, once Suarez does finally hang up the boots he should be put in place as England manager to prolong the excruciating pain. You think a life sentence is bad? Try 48 years of hurt. Boom!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 2: Douglas Booth (@DouglasBooth) as Rob Devlin

Let's face it lads, we all know a guy like Rob Devlin. He's the type of guy who wakes up in the morning and without a hair out of place. The type of guy who makes getting a girls phone number look as routine as an England World Cup exit.The type of guy you'd love to bloody hate if he wasn't so frickin' cool!

Rob is not only Dan's best friend, he is the Vinny Chase (from Entourage) to his group of friends. He's the grenade they throw into enemy lines (or groups of girls) and once the explosion goes off, they are there to feed on the scraps left behind.

Yep, there is no denying that a guy like Rob is a useful weapon to have at your disposal. Once you finally accept that your role within the friendship is to sneak in and chat up the friend of the girl that happens to take Rob's eye. The best you can hope for in that situation is that you don't come up against that classic hot chick/ugly chick combo (the one where good looking girls pair themselves off with facially challenged friends in order to enhance their own looks), because we don't mind playing the wing-man to our good-looking pal but not at the expense of constantly being paired off with a girl who looks like Luis Suarez with long hair.

So the type of actor I'd like to play Rob in the make-believe-world of The Drought being made into a movie would clearly need to have the looks and charisma, but he'd need to mix it with a little bit of lad arrogance. In other words, he needs to be able to carry himself as one of the chaps.

It took me a while to think of someone who would do the part justice. For a while I kept coming back to Rob Pattinson, but for whatever reason he didn't quite feel right. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that all I could think of was Twilight and then I'd stab myself in the eye with a dull butterfly knife.

So I went back to square one and Googled young male actors.And then something happened that I wasn't expecting.

My wife checked my search history, looked at me funny, broke down in tears and through her sobs asked me why I had hidden my gay tendencies from her for all these years. It was an awkward moment, which didn't exactly get any better when I explained I was searching for actors to play a character in a film that will be never be made things were all good in the world again. The tears stopped but the funny looks didn't. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.

After 10 minutes or so of searching I found my Rob in Noah actor Douglas Booth. At first glance he looked the part and certainly matched the appearance that I had of Rob in mind and I thought he'd pair off nicely with Alex Carter as Dan. But what about his personality? Did that match?

How the hell do I know if the personality matched?! I don't know the guy and to be honest, this whole search for the perfect actor to play Rob had already resulted in my wife going from thinking I am gay to thinking I'm just an oddball spending too much time on pointless activities. As far as I'm concerned, this task hasn't exactly done me any favours so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and go with Douglas Booth. Don't let me down sunshine!

Three bites and you're out! Luis Suarez is at it again as he bites back at the World Cup!

Can you frickin' believe it? Luis Suarez is up to his old tricks again. They say it comes it three's and it seems as though Suarez is no exception to the rule as it is believed he has bitten Italy's Giorgio Chiellini during their World Cup match this afternoon. You couldn't make it up. This is the third time the Liverpool striker has bitten an opponent on the field of play - they should use the three strike rule: three bites and you're out! Ban him!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 1: Alex Carter (@alexcarterltd) as Dan Hilles

Dan Hilles
Dan is main character in the story; the unfortunate chap who happens to be experiencing a rather stressful lack of sexual activity, hence The Drought. I'm sorry to say that Dan is loosely based on a rather testing period in my life (and by loosely I mean mean 90% is based on fact and by testing I mean a nightmare eight month period where I couldn't get a sniff of any action!) so I have a certain affinity with him.

And clearly if Dan is based on yours truly then we are talking about a rather special leading man to take on the role. I've plundered a lot of my own characteristics into this guy so clearly we are going to need someone with immaculate style, a hefty dose of panache, a classy guy who oozes charisma and of course is blessed with the type of rugged good looks that would leave David Beckham feeling a tad envious.

Step forward mister Kit Harrington. I'm sure you'd agree it's the obvious choice... sorry, what was that noise you just made. For a moment it sounded like stifled laughter. No, wait. It's not stifled laughter. It's quite clearly a rip-roaring trombone howl of laughter. Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly like the Game of Thrones actor; in terms of both appearance and personality. Granted, he's good looking and bloody cool, whereas my alter ego Dan is fairly average looking and funny in a down on your luck type of way. So this selection is best taken out of my hands and given the choice by the people who know me best, and I'm fairly sure they'd opt for Alex Carter, better known as Lee Hunter from Hollyoaks. Is that stifled laughter again?!

More than once I've been likened to the fictional yet hapless and unlucky-in-love soap character, and given a few tweaks to his TV persona I reluctantly conceive that he could be the man to take Dan on. Granted the Oldham born actor would need to adopt a London accent, but his personality fits the bill perfectly for Dan who suffers more than one indignity as he attempts (and fails) to woo the opposite sex into bed.

The part of Dan calls for it's fair share of comedy moments and Carter, who picked up the Best Comedy Performance gong at the 2004 British Soap Awards, fits the bill perfectly in that respect. Plus his Lee Hunter character wasn't exactly a hit with the ladies either so he already has something in common with Dan! Whether it's situations where Dan gets so blind drunk on a first date that he ends up dancing like an octopus that had only two tentacles left and was trying to compensate for the missing six or the part where he gets beaten up by a barmaid, I'm confident the boy Carter would deliver with great comedy timing.

Okay, one down, three to go! Tomorrow is Dan's best friend Rob...

Game Of Thrones Bad Lip Reading presents Medieval Land Fun-Time World - Funniest thing ever?!

I've been a little late to the Game of Thrones party but having spent the last couple of months fully immersed in series 1-4 it is fair to say I'm a bit of a fan.

But not nearly as much of a fan of the brilliant YouTube sensation Medieval Land Fun-Time World. How the hell did I miss this bad boy?! This might just be the funniest thing I've seen since Jimmy Fallon presents Brian Williams rapping Snoop Dogg style!

There isn't too much more to say other than watch and laugh your little heart out...!

If The Drought was made into a film which actors would be in it?

Okay, so I'm sitting here the other night a little bit bored and something pops into my head: If The Drought became a film, which actors do I think would play the main characters? 

I accept that I'm getting a little ahead of myself (it would be nice for the book to sell a few more copies before I start thinking about film rights, or any rights for that matter) but it didn't stop my little brain wandering none the less. I guess the idea stemmed from an early review The Drought received when it was compared to The Inbetweeners and what with the second movie installment of that brilliant show coming out this August, why not dream a little big?

So this week I am playing casting director and will be posting four daily blogs starting tomorrow as I pick the four actors I think would be brilliant to bring the main characters alive in The Drought. It'll be fun to think of who I'd choose as most of the characters are based on people I actually know!

First up tomorrow is the main character Dan Hilles...

Maxim Tsigalko voted best Championship / Football Manager player of all time!

Last year I posted a blog listing my Top 10 best Championship / Football Manager players ever! Alongside the blog I ran a poll asking people to vote for their favourite CM/FM player of all time and last week the voting officially ended and we have a winner!

Maxim Tsigalko - take a bow son as the ex-Belarusian international took 19% of the vote to fend off competition from Andri Sigporsson (14%) in second spot and Tonton Zola Moukoko (9%) in third. And I guess it shows how much I know because I didn't even have Tsigalko in my top 10! (Perhaps the reason for this was because he often struggled to get a work permit in England...)

The former Dinamo Minsk striker was a revelation in the CM 01/02 version of the game - the version many consider to be the best in the series - banging in goals for fun to the point where his computer game adventures are given a special mention on his Wikipedia profile. It shouldn't be a surprise, with near perfect stats in the striking department, the boy from Belarus was always destined for greater things!

For the modest sum of £2m you could buy the poacher and have him lead your line for a good 10 seasons, easily topping the scoring charts each year if deployed correctly. Even the fact the guys at CM spelt his name incorrectly (it should be spelt 'Maksim') didn't matter because if you instructed Tsigalko to man-mark the goalkeeper (one of those completely unrealistic tactical gems that were fantastic when you stumbled across them) it would not be unrealistic for him to score 100 goals a season!

Alas, Tsigalko never lived up to his CM exploits in real life as his career was cut short due to persistent injuries which forced his early retirement in 2010 at the age of 26. But he will forever be remembered as a footballing legend for many a gamer and his name (even though we can't pronounce it properly) will live on forever!

Fun Fact! Tsigalkotwin brother, Yuri, still plays as a goalkeeper for Shakhtyor Soligorsk.