The Return of the Dwarf and a fond farewell to Openmic Matt at The Railway!

So long! The final poster from Openmic Matt's
comedy night at The Railway in Streatham

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #34
It was certainly a night of mixed emotions! The last Openmic Matt comedy night down at The Railway in Streatham Common. I owe a lot to this place in my short comedy career as The Railway was the place where I was able to do my comedy apprenticeship in those early days, which basically meant Matt allowed me to go on for as long as I wanted to try stuff out!

In typical Openmic Matt fashion, last night was as shambolic as ever, and that is exactly what has made these nights so bloody brilliant. To start off with, the owner of the pub had gone AWOL so Matt couldn’t get access to any of the electrical equipment to set-up. There was no way this gig was going to start on time at 8pm. Then again, I’m not sure I have ever done a gig at The Railway that started on time!

A pool table had randomly been placed at the back of the room and two guys happily played as Matt tore his hair out at the thought of snooker balls clinking together in the background as the comedians tried to do their jokes.

But none of it mattered. By the time Matt finally kicked the show off at 9pm there was a huge crowd in place, and a real who’s who of top open mic comedians from Gavin Fowler to Ben Adams, Mr Blair and the very funny Tony Milton who I got to see for the very first time.

Matt dived straight into the longest joke known to man and had me in bits as he always does. I was second up on the running order and was hoping for a decent set.

I don’t say it often, but it went brilliantly and at the end of it I decided to re-introduce my dwarf on the train joke. I hadn’t done it for a while because it had been getting mixed responses from audiences, but it had always been Matt’s favourite joke of mine so I decided to throw it out there. And I’m bloody pleased I did as it went down a storm, with Ben Adams commenting that he thought it was “genius!” Maybe I’ll keep that one in for a while…

All in all, it was a great night with all of the comics on top form. Nights like this are the reason why we do open mic comedy. I sincerely hope Openmic Matt starts promoting a new night very soon!

The gig that never was!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #17
So I experienced something at The Railway that I had never experienced before in my short comedy career. I didn't even get on stage!

Openmic Matt had put together a great line-up of comedians including Ben Adams, Christian Manley, Johnny Armstrong, and Lucy Jagger. The show was running a little late (standard at The Railway) but by the time it got to my turn, I had to dash off and get my train!

Sigh....

The comeback kid!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #14
After the horror show at The Railway last week, it was nice to get back up on the stage and put that gig to bed. Last night it was back to the Cavendish Arms and I'm pleased to say things went well.

Openmic Matt was on hand to film the set as proof that I can get a bit of a laugh out of a crowd. It wasn't enough to get the Stockwell audience to 'buy me a drink' Cavendish Arms style, but it was enough to make me feel that things were back on track.

RIP Steven Scaffardi - the night I died on stage

Dead man joking: How my tombstone
might look after last nights horror show!

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #13
It was awful. No, it was beyond awful. Imagine the most awkward situation you have ever been in, multiply it by 10, and then sprinkle on top the feeling of having nowhere to hide, and then you might - just might - have an idea of what it feels like dying on stage.

You know that saying You wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy? Well, that is a stupid saying because you would wish this on your worst enemy!

The horrors of last night started at 7pm when I arrived far too early at The Railway. I grabbed myself a drink and sat down and waited. The promoter, Openmic Matt, said he would put me on towards the end seeing as I had opened for him a few times in the past.

So by the time I eventually got on at about 10pm, I was pretty pissed. I had not eaten anything all evening and instead filled myself up on pints of Stella. The audience were in a good mood having been entertained by some very funny acts already including Hannah Deasy, Tom Appleton, and Mr Blair.

Now it was my turn.

I staggered up to the stage, feeling pretty confident, and cracked my first joke - to complete silence. Immediately I panicked, and broke out into a cold sweat. My mind went blank and I just started blurting out the first thing that came to me.

Unfortunately it wasn't a joke. I found myself just waffling, and after about 30 seconds it hit me - I had absolutely no idea where I was going with this. I wasn't even telling joke!

There must have been about 20-30 people in the room, but at that moment it felt like I had a 1,000 pair of eyes on me, all wishing I would get the hell off the stage. So I did the only thing I could think of which was to be honest.

"I'm not too sure where I'm going with this," I told them, shifting awkwardly in one spot. They just stared at me, hatred in their eyes. I attempted to get back on track but by now everyone in that room just wanted me to finish up and get the hell off that stage - no one more so than me!

I shuffled back to me seat after what seemed like the longest five minutes of my life. I grabbed my bag and headed straight towards the exit. Openmic Matt saw me as I was leaving and tried to tell me my set was okay. I appreciated him trying, but I think we both knew I had just stunk the whole place out, so I fled as quickly as possible!

When I woke up this morning I still didn't feel that great, but I figure this is something every comedian has to go through, so I'll just put it down to experience. Plus I did learn a very valuable lesson - don't get pissed before going up on stage... unless your Dylan Moran of course, it seems to work for him!

Call me the Karate Kid of the comedy circuit!

Joke on, joke off: Another night
of comedy in Streatham

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #9
Another two-week gap without comedy, but Openmic Matt had invited be back to perform again on the third comedy night at The Railway, so I crammed in plenty of writing and came up with some new gags about the 80s (including my Karate Kid impression), Facebook, mum insults, sex texting, and a bit more.

Some of it worked, but for the most part it needs some touching up. Actually, it needs quite a bit of work! I am also starting to realise that in order to improve I need to start looking around at getting more gigs and performing at different venues. I love The Railway, but I'm not too sure 24 gigs a year in Streatham is going to get me to the Hammersmith Apollo!

But I'm still enjoying it and I've met some really cool people down at The Railway in the last few weeks including Elliot Lerner, Raphael Perahia, Bobby Freeman, and Stu Privett. Here is the video clip from last night...

"His suit is as sharp as his wit!"

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #7

So I gave Matt a call after getting card from the Cavendish Arms gig, and he invited me down to perform at his new music and comedy night at The Railway in Streatham Common. The gig took place last night I got a few people to come down to support me and it turned out to be a really good night.

As I walked in I noticed a piece of paper on the tables. I picked it up and there was my name with the description His suit is as sharp as his wit. I've made it I thought!

I opened up the night, and Matt gave all the comedians the option to do 10 minutes plus on stage. Not everything I did was great, but it was only my fourth ever gig, so to do 10 minutes worth of material was pretty cool. I really need to tighten things up, but it gave me the opportunity to try some different things.

But what really made this such a top night was the promoter - Matt in the hat! He doesn't run his night as rigidly or as smoothly as somewhere like The Cavendish Arms, but in a way that is it's appeal and charm. And he also has a pub quiz with cheese! That in itself is worth turning up for!

I'm pleased to say that Matt invited me back again in two weeks so another gig in the bag!

New material and a new opportunity!

New gig: I got carded after my gig at
The Cavendish Arms tonight

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #6
I have to admit that the gig a couple of weeks ago was a bit of a blow to the ego. It didn't exactly go according to plan, but the good news is that it didn't put me off either.

Earlier in the week I caught up with Gemma Beagley, who hosts Monday nights at the Cavendish Arms, to ask for a bit of advice. Gemma has been on the open mic circuit since November 2009, and she advised me to write some new material and to avoid doing a whole set on one subject, because if the audience don't like the story you're telling them, you don't really have anywhere else to go.

Trying to write something funny that will appeal to everyone is not easy, and I've realised that most of the time when I'm being 'funny' around my friends, it is because I am taking the piss out of them. It's easy because I already know them - I'm not too sure I'll have enough time to go around each audience member to find out a bit about them before going on stage to carry off that routine.

So I sat down and wrote. I tried to write about every day things, like relationships, having babies, holidays, and a bit of nostalgia. It seemed to go okay, and it certainly felt like it was punchier.

A good friend of mine from university, Ben Righton, also performed tonight. Ben is an actor and uses stand-up to keep himself match fit as he calls it. He did a hilarious set about the personalities of different railway stations, and his stage presence was spot-on as you would expect from an actor. He certainly put me in the shade!

But being with Ben looks like it has got me a new gig. After the show a guy called Matt came up to Ben and gave him his card as he is setting up a new comedy night in Streatham, and said how much he enjoyed his set. He then looked at me and it slowly dawned on him that I had performed as well. It was an awkward moment, I'm not too sure he was going to invite me down, but he handed me his card anyway.

Sod it, I'll take what I can get at the moment!