Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Rob Ford... I salute you, we ALL salute you!

The legend that is Mr Rob Ford was first brought to my attention about six months ago by a Canadian work colleague of mine who just so happens to come from the wonderful city of Toronto where Mr Ford has resided over as mayor since 2010. At the time my colleague would entertain me with tales about the unconventional politician; such as the time he ordered that a packed bus fall of rush-hour commuters to be thrown off so that the high school football team he coaches could be picked up instead.

But nothing that had gone before could prepare the world for the truly amazing set of events that would unfold in 2013! Just in case you have been living in a bubble over the last few months, here is a quick timeline of events that this truly awesome man has bestowed upon us this year:

Rob Ford, Crack video, Toronto Star, scabdal,
May 16: A report is made by The Toronto Star that they have seen a video of their mayor smoking crack and throwing out the odd racist and homophobic slur whilst allegedly chilling with a bunch of local drug dealers.

May 17: Ford comes out fighting and slams the accusations as "ridiculous" and vows to clear his good name. This is followed up by his lawyer claiming you can't even tell who it is in the video; a line taken straight from the schoolboy's foolproof book of excuses.

May 24: But a week later Ford makes another statement, this time taking the Bill Clinton stance of I did not have sexual relations with that woman when he declares "I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine."

Rob Ford, Crack, scandal, Toronto, mayor
June 15: Toronto police locate the alleged video after raids on several homes and a photograph starts to circulate of Ford with two suspects who were arrested in the raids. But Ford is no fool - he has a simple explanation in that he poses in photo's with "everybody". Personally I don't think the man put enough effort into his excuse. If it was me, I would have said that I thought I was posing with Method Man and ODB from the Wu-Tang Clan as people might have found that more believable, but it doesn't matter. After all, he didn't smoke crack right?

August 18: Poor old Rob is forced to defend himself again as the media allege that two of his associates tried to obtain the video after the allegations first surfaced. Jeez, give the guy a break will ya! He's already told you he doesn't smoke crack!

October 1: This time good old Robbie is forced to leap to the defence of Alexander Lisi, after his friend and driver is charged with trafficking marijuana. We all make mistakes, and Ford calls Lisi a "good guy."

October 31: After five months of protesting his innocence, the Toronto police announce they have recovered a copy of the crack video that depicts images of Ford "consistent with those previously reported in the press." Ah, this is now a little bit awkward.

Rob Ford, Toronto, Mayor, crack scandal, reporters
November 3: To make matters worse, a new video appears of the Toronto mayor looking slightly worse for wear (or "hammered" as Ford delicately put it). A couple of days later and Ford finally admits he did indeed smoke crack about a year ago. But...! It's okay because it happened during a "drunken stupor". Oh come on, we've all been there - one too many beers down the local and before you know it you're in the local crack den. Besides, it wasn't Rob's fault and he never lied to anyone. The press are the ones to blame really because reporters "didn't ask the correct questions" so he wasn't lying at all. Stupid reporters, tut.

November 7: Rob Ford is now single-handedly keeping YouTube in business as another video is posted online by the Toronto Star and Toronto Sun that shows Ford having what you might call a bit of a rant as he threatens to "kill" and "murder" certain individuals. It is Rob Ford's Crocodile Dundee knife equivalent of saying to Gordon Brown of his "bigoted woman" line that's not a video clip, this is a video clip! Ford explains that he was "extremely" drunk and is "extremely" embarrassed, so lets not be too hard on him. Who hasn't had a skinful and threatened to maim someone eh?!

November 13: Okay Rob, you are now starting to make it a wee bit difficult to defend you as former staff members claim Ford was intoxicated at work, drank while driving and associated with suspected prostitutes. Ford then throws his two pennies in by admitting his bought illegal drugs whilst in office.

November 14: This has to be my favourite all-time Rob Ford-ism. It's bad enough that he flat refuses to resign as mayor, but just to up the ante, good old Rob Ford uses the old tactic of 'getting in their first to defuse a situation' when he shocks reporters by stating on live TV that the upcoming allegations of him telling a female aide that he was going to "eat her pussy" were completely false! And you know why they were false? Because Rob has enough damn pussy at home to keep his appetite satisfied. I'm not too sure what is better on this video clip; Ford's amazing admission or the complete and utter shock of the reporters who quite simply thought that they simply could not be stunned by this man anymore. Boy they were wrong!

 November 18: Seeing as Bobby boy is determined to not go down without kicking and screaming, his colleagues at City council vote to strip the mayor of all of his duties. Ford calls it a "coup d'etat" and says he is ready for war in the October 2014 municipal election. Say what you want about British politicians, but the fact that this man still has a chance to be re-elected next year pretty much says it all! What a guy.

December 9: So you's think after nearly a year of scandals including drugs, drinking, ranting, whoring, racism and homophobia, you'd think that good old Rob might want to go into Christmas with a low profile right? Of course he doesn't! This is Rob Ford of course - just when you think the man can't simply top his last efforts, he goes and throws a pedophile accusation in there! Yep, that's right - in a televised interview he claimed that Toronto Star reporter Daniel Dale was in his backyard in 2012 "taking pictures of little kids." Ford went on to say: "I don't want to say that word but you start thinking what this guy is all about." Ford later retracted his comments and apologised when Dale served Ford with a libel notice.

If you have time then check out this very funny article on Buzzfeed called 26 Reasons To Be Thankful For Crack-Smoking Mayor Rob Ford This Holiday Season! You simply couldn't make this up and that is why I have one thing left to say...

Rob Ford... I salute you, we ALL salute you!


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