Wednesday, 31 October 2012

The rules for a lads road trip: The 10 Commandments

This is an official book excerpt from comedy novel The Drought. This taken from Chapter 15: Jack's 10 Commandments. At this point in the story the main character, Dan Hilles, has spent 132 days on his sex drought! Desperate to put an end to his barren spell, his friends have planned a lads road trip to Brighton.
As Dan is sitting in his office on the Friday afternoon before the trip, he receives an email from his friend Jack, who has taken it upon himself to declare the rules of the road rip!

Any guy that has been on a road trip knows that there have to be a set of rules that each member must live by, whether it is about picking up chicks or simply drinking copius amounts of alcohol. What follows here is a set of instructions any group of lads embarking on a road trip can follow. Enjoy!

The rules of the road trip by Jack Chatham taken from The Drought

With the clock ticking away, it’s time to start planning the most slut-infested, drink-fuelled, condom-wearing, STD risk-taking, non-dry-humping, two days of our lives.

Now as you all know, Dan has endured five months of torture. So once the Big Guns invade Brighton, it’s time to make a pact...


1) Let’s get this party rocking. As soon as we arrive, we roll the red carpet out. We let them know in no uncertain terms that the Big Guns have arrived. We dump the bags and hit the bars.

2) It’s not Groundhog Day. No one is allowed to crack on with the same bint for more than one night. You can keep any little tart you meet on reserve in case you blow out, but I ain’t having any of this meeting up two nights running like boyfriend and girlfriend.

3) Chat-up lines. They will be used. I have a list of them to hit the chicks up with! Belters like: My name is Mr Right, somebody told me you were looking for me!

4) The anthem. Every Big Gun should have one. As soon as the DJ plays this little number, each and every Big Gun must drop what they are doing and hit the dance floor. It’s time to cut shapes.

5) High Fives. Before we go out, each and every Big Gun must line-up while I go down the line issuing high fives all round. Standard high fives will be used (nothing fancy like Top Gun).

6) Power ballads. Before you ask – no, I’m not gay! But there is nothing like hitting the open road, closing your eyes tight, clenching your fist, and belting out lyrics of pure raw emotion. I defy anyone to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart without a tear in your eye.

7) The way of The Hoff. Knight Rider and Baywatch – two absolute rip-snorting gems of TV genius brought to us by one man – David Hasselhoff. What is there not to love about this man? Talking crime-fighting cars, bikini-clad women, awesome super slow-mo running shots, and not to mention a chest rug to be proud of. If we use the way of the Hoff, we won’t go far wrong.

8) Randy van Warmers. Dan, I've got a box full of condoms with your name written all over them so no need to worry about getting chased by sausage dogs this time!

9) The Game. When entering a different postcode, the game begins. You know how it works. You get a point for snogging some old tart, five points for flicking the bean, 10 points if she has a chat with the boy, and 15 points for rumpedy-roo!

10) What happens on tour – stays on tour. Any man who brings a camera to a road trip may be legally castrated and his man-bits thrown to the seagulls to feast on.

Let’s make this one not to forget and help our friend Dan find out whether his winkle still works after all these months! Please print this off and keep it with you at all times. It is imperative that we all know the rules.

No comments :

Post a Comment