If The Drought was a movie... Part 4: Dapper Laughs (@dapperlaughs) as Jack Chatham

This is the one I’ve been waiting for! They say save the best for last and arguably Jack Chatham is the show stealer when it comes to The Drought. He is the one character I get the most feedback from readers about; the guy who gets quoted more than any other and the one who people often tell me he is their favourite. Despite the fact he’s a sexist, a cheat and verging on being a complete chauvinist, it seems that fans of The Drought simply can’t get enough of his cheeky-chappy laddish behaviour!

He is also the most fun character to write because he knows no boundaries. In the right group of friends, he is the type of guy you want on a night out with you. You know he’s probably going to end up doing or saying something that the politically incorrect brigade would have a field day over but you don’t really care. You know what you are going to get with Jack – a complete and total 24-carat lad!

Jack is an amalgamation of a few people I know, but two guys in particular who I have worked with, even if I have overly exaggerated his outlandish personality for comedy effect. Jack’s diminutive stature has given him a fair share of small-man syndrome so what he lacks in height he tries to make up for in voice, and bot does he have an opinion! Some of his classic quotes include:

On arranging to meet a girl for the first time:
‘Wherever you go, make sure you arrange to meet somewhere out in the open so you can get a good look at her beforehand. I’m sure Grace is a good-looking girl, but we all had our beer goggles on that night. She could be a right old bow-wow. In which case, ditch her there and then. Give me a call and we’ll go for a beer instead.’

On why God is a woman:
‘If God was a man then why would he put his G-spot up his arse?’

On reasons why he doesn’t want to stay in a gay bar:
‘This isn’t The Flintstones – I’m not going to have a gay old time.’

On why doggy is the best sexual position:
‘The doggy position means you don’t have to look at her face if she is fugly.’

On whether he’d sleep with another girl behind his girlfriend’s back:
‘Would I cheat? In a heartbeat.’

In terms of who I would have play Jack in a movie version of The Drought I’ve always said in the past that he is a cross between Danny Dyer and Jay from The Inbetweeners. Danny Dyer because he is a bit of a geezer and mockney-cockney, and Jay because he likes to boast about his ability with the opposite sex, although it’s fair to say Jack has more success than Jay. Jack is a numbers man – he dives in and chats up as many girls as he can, figuring that at some point he’ll hit the jackpot or at the very least find one who is drunk enough to give in to him!

But in recent weeks I have decided that there is only one man who could play Jack – the one guy who fits the bill probably even more perfectly than the other three characters I’ve done this week. And that man is my new favourite social media comedy hero – Daniel O’Reilly aka Dapper Laughs!

Even though I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m now in my mid-30s and the inevitable crawl towards the big 4-0, I still like to think I’m a big lad at heart and nothing makes me laugh more than good old classic lad behaviour, and no one personifies that better than that man Dapper Laughs (check out my top 10 favourite Vine video clips from Dapper Laughs). This man is Jack all over and it is a total no-brainer that I would pick him. If you are a fan of Dapper Laughs then you’d be a fan of Jack Chatham!

And that completes the line-up of actors to play the characters in The Drought movie! See all of The Drought 'move stars' by clicking here.  Let me know what you think!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 3: Will Poulter (@PoulterWill) as Ollie Pemberton

Whenever I think of the character Ollie Pemberton, I always seem to drift back to one particular afternoon I spent sitting in a pub in Mitcham a good few years ago with the friend who I based the character on. It was a bit of a rough old pub, but it was within walking distance of our houses and it served beer so it was good enough for us. As usual I was taking the piss out of him; he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and therefore an easy target when I wanted to amuse myself. It wasn’t exactly intelligent banter, but it didn’t matter. After all, here was a guy who twice in the space of a month tried to dye his hair peroxide blonde to look like Eminem but ended up ginger both times.

No matter how many times I made a joke at his expense, that big dopey grin of his remained permanently plastered across his face; a cigarette often dangling from his mouth. It was as though he didn’t have a care in the world apart from what time the pub opened and where his next shag was coming from. He was a simple guy with simple needs and all too often would say things without thinking. One of my favourite quotes of his came when we was watching an England football match and he was wearing a replica shirt. When a friends little brother asked him what the difference was between the football top he was wearing and the ones the players on TV had on his reply was: “The only difference is if I was playing I would have my name across the back and my number – nutter.”

And when a girl who he was dating bragged about how big his manhood was, we got him T-Short made up for our lads holiday in Crete which read on the front The Beast of Greece has Returned and we put the number nine on the back but with the inches symbol just below it. Whenever girls asked if they could see his well-endowed member he would shove his hands into his pants and rub himself to the point of excitement explaining ‘I’ve only got a semi.’

He played and had the frame of a rugby player, but smoked and drank too much to ever really be considered an athlete. But despite the fact that he probably could have squashed me (and God knows I deserved it the amount of ribbing I used to give him) not once did he ever get pissed off or display any aggression, and I guess I never really saw him as the type of guy that could quite easily rip your arm off like pulling the wing from a fly.

But the reason I think I always think of that afternoon in that Mitcham pub whenever I think about the Ollie character is because of what happened that day. There was a guy in there who’d had a bit too much to drink and was looking to start a fight with anyone he could. I happened to unfortunately wander within his eye line and he threatened to batter me on the basis I’d spilt his drink or knocked his pork scratching’s out of his hand. I can’t remember the exact reason, but it was ridiculous whatever it was. I’m not exactly a fighter and this guy was clearly a bit of a bad lad who probably had two or three punch-ups a day. But at the precise moment where I was probably about to poop myself, my mate appeared from behind me and asked if there was a problem. That was all he said. He didn’t say it with any malice or anger but at the same time he carried himself in a way that said ‘don’t fuck with me!’

It worked a treat. Within seconds the guy who wanted to batter me backed away, My mate stood his ground for a few seconds longer before he turned to me and said: ‘You shit yourself there didn’t you?!’ And then he laughed and that big dopey grin returned to his face.

I included that story in The Drought because I think it captures perfectly who Ollie Pemberton is. He’s a stereotypical big friendly giant; by no means is he the brightest spark and he will do and say before thinking, but his loyalty to his friends is never in question, and like that day in the pub where I completely fell to bits, not once did he lose his head and he had the presence of mind to use his own strengths (his size) to defuse things without even raising his voice.

For the choice of who I’d choose to play Ollie in my fantasy movie version of The Drought I could have quite easily gone with someone who simply just looked the part – big and thick! But I think when you read the book you’ll find that some of funniest and sometimes most subtle of comedy moments come from Ollie. That is why I opted for Will Poulter because not only is he a brilliant comedic actor (Meet the Millers) but he can also have an air of danger about him (Wild Bill).

In a way, Ollie Pemberton is somewhere in the middle of the two characters Poulter played in Meet the Millers and Wild Bill but with a healthy sprinkle of Trigger from Only Fools & Horses! The fact that Poulter happens to look a lot like my friend who I based the character on is a bonus for me, but probably not so much for Will Poulter!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 2: Douglas Booth (@DouglasBooth) as Rob Devlin

Let's face it lads, we all know a guy like Rob Devlin. He's the type of guy who wakes up in the morning and without a hair out of place. The type of guy who makes getting a girls phone number look as routine as an England World Cup exit.The type of guy you'd love to bloody hate if he wasn't so frickin' cool!

Rob is not only Dan's best friend, he is the Vinny Chase (from Entourage) to his group of friends. He's the grenade they throw into enemy lines (or groups of girls) and once the explosion goes off, they are there to feed on the scraps left behind.

Yep, there is no denying that a guy like Rob is a useful weapon to have at your disposal. Once you finally accept that your role within the friendship is to sneak in and chat up the friend of the girl that happens to take Rob's eye. The best you can hope for in that situation is that you don't come up against that classic hot chick/ugly chick combo (the one where good looking girls pair themselves off with facially challenged friends in order to enhance their own looks), because we don't mind playing the wing-man to our good-looking pal but not at the expense of constantly being paired off with a girl who looks like Luis Suarez with long hair.

So the type of actor I'd like to play Rob in the make-believe-world of The Drought being made into a movie would clearly need to have the looks and charisma, but he'd need to mix it with a little bit of lad arrogance. In other words, he needs to be able to carry himself as one of the chaps.

It took me a while to think of someone who would do the part justice. For a while I kept coming back to Rob Pattinson, but for whatever reason he didn't quite feel right. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that all I could think of was Twilight and then I'd stab myself in the eye with a dull butterfly knife.

So I went back to square one and Googled young male actors.And then something happened that I wasn't expecting.

My wife checked my search history, looked at me funny, broke down in tears and through her sobs asked me why I had hidden my gay tendencies from her for all these years. It was an awkward moment, which didn't exactly get any better when I explained I was searching for actors to play a character in a film that will be never be made things were all good in the world again. The tears stopped but the funny looks didn't. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.

After 10 minutes or so of searching I found my Rob in Noah actor Douglas Booth. At first glance he looked the part and certainly matched the appearance that I had of Rob in mind and I thought he'd pair off nicely with Alex Carter as Dan. But what about his personality? Did that match?

How the hell do I know if the personality matched?! I don't know the guy and to be honest, this whole search for the perfect actor to play Rob had already resulted in my wife going from thinking I am gay to thinking I'm just an oddball spending too much time on pointless activities. As far as I'm concerned, this task hasn't exactly done me any favours so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and go with Douglas Booth. Don't let me down sunshine!

If The Drought was a movie... Part 1: Alex Carter (@alexcarterltd) as Dan Hilles

Dan Hilles
Dan is main character in the story; the unfortunate chap who happens to be experiencing a rather stressful lack of sexual activity, hence The Drought. I'm sorry to say that Dan is loosely based on a rather testing period in my life (and by loosely I mean mean 90% is based on fact and by testing I mean a nightmare eight month period where I couldn't get a sniff of any action!) so I have a certain affinity with him.

And clearly if Dan is based on yours truly then we are talking about a rather special leading man to take on the role. I've plundered a lot of my own characteristics into this guy so clearly we are going to need someone with immaculate style, a hefty dose of panache, a classy guy who oozes charisma and of course is blessed with the type of rugged good looks that would leave David Beckham feeling a tad envious.

Step forward mister Kit Harrington. I'm sure you'd agree it's the obvious choice... sorry, what was that noise you just made. For a moment it sounded like stifled laughter. No, wait. It's not stifled laughter. It's quite clearly a rip-roaring trombone howl of laughter. Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly like the Game of Thrones actor; in terms of both appearance and personality. Granted, he's good looking and bloody cool, whereas my alter ego Dan is fairly average looking and funny in a down on your luck type of way. So this selection is best taken out of my hands and given the choice by the people who know me best, and I'm fairly sure they'd opt for Alex Carter, better known as Lee Hunter from Hollyoaks. Is that stifled laughter again?!

More than once I've been likened to the fictional yet hapless and unlucky-in-love soap character, and given a few tweaks to his TV persona I reluctantly conceive that he could be the man to take Dan on. Granted the Oldham born actor would need to adopt a London accent, but his personality fits the bill perfectly for Dan who suffers more than one indignity as he attempts (and fails) to woo the opposite sex into bed.

The part of Dan calls for it's fair share of comedy moments and Carter, who picked up the Best Comedy Performance gong at the 2004 British Soap Awards, fits the bill perfectly in that respect. Plus his Lee Hunter character wasn't exactly a hit with the ladies either so he already has something in common with Dan! Whether it's situations where Dan gets so blind drunk on a first date that he ends up dancing like an octopus that had only two tentacles left and was trying to compensate for the missing six or the part where he gets beaten up by a barmaid, I'm confident the boy Carter would deliver with great comedy timing.

Okay, one down, three to go! Tomorrow is Dan's best friend Rob...

If The Drought was made into a film which actors would be in it?

Okay, so I'm sitting here the other night a little bit bored and something pops into my head: If The Drought became a film, which actors do I think would play the main characters? 

I accept that I'm getting a little ahead of myself (it would be nice for the book to sell a few more copies before I start thinking about film rights, or any rights for that matter) but it didn't stop my little brain wandering none the less. I guess the idea stemmed from an early review The Drought received when it was compared to The Inbetweeners and what with the second movie installment of that brilliant show coming out this August, why not dream a little big?

So this week I am playing casting director and will be posting four daily blogs starting tomorrow as I pick the four actors I think would be brilliant to bring the main characters alive in The Drought. It'll be fun to think of who I'd choose as most of the characters are based on people I actually know!

First up tomorrow is the main character Dan Hilles...