Jennifer Lopez turns up at the Catchphrase studio to tell Carol Vorderman she wants her ass back!

Rumour has it that Jennifer Lopez was in a foul mood this week after finding out that someone had stolen her backside and was flashing it around willy-nilly on ITV game show Catchphrase. J-Lo must have been seething when she spotted this picture of Carol Vorderman turning up at the studios...

I know she's in her 50s, and she's a maths geek, and she was pretty dowdy in those early Countdown years... But you would wouldn't you?

Open mic comedians - where are they now? The girls

Diary of a stand-up comedian Entry #55
Yesterday I posted on the two-year anniversary of the day I first ever took to the stand-up comedy stage. After that little trip down memory lane, I started to wonder about all funny people I had met along the way and what might have happened to them.

Well, the internet is a  wonderful tool and here is what I found out about the girls who I used to see on the open mic stand-up comedy circuit (click here for the boys).

The girl who got me into comedy: Gemma Beagley
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Gemma Beagley was one of the main reasons I decided to give stand-up comedy a go. I had actually known Gemma since we were at school, and she had been performing stand-up comedy for about a 18 months before I first gave it a go. "It is the best hobby in the world," were Gemma's exact words when I asked her what stand-up comedy was like, and that was enough to convince me to get up on that stage and die a slow and painful death...!

I'm pleased to report that Gemma is still going strong. She still hosts Comedy Virgins at the Cavendish Arms in Stockwell, and over the last 12 months she has been in the final of Funny's Funny Female Comedian of the Year, as well as a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, where she blogged about her experiences.

The shy, but very funny girl: Harriet Kemsley
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Harriet Kemsley is fast on her way to becoming a very big name on the comedy circuit. I was lucky enough to see Harriet a few times on the open mic scene. At a Comedy Bin gig at The Carnivale in Whitechapel, I had a chat with her, and couldn't believe how this shy and softly spoken person could be so outrageously funny. In her first year of comedy she was crowned Funny's Funny Female Comedian of the Year 2011, as well as picking up the Up The Creek One To Watch 2011 gong and was a finalist in the Reading New Act of the Year.

And 2012 has been just as good as Harriet was the winner of the Bath New Act of the Year, Brighton New Act of the Year, and was a finalist in the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year. The praise and plaudits have come from the likes of Chortle and talent agency Sternberg Clarke, with comedian Rhod Gilbert naming her as one of his top ten comics to see in 2012. She is now writing and working on a pilot for the BBC - watch this space!

The lads mag model: Naomi Hefter
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I only met Naomi a couple of times, but she was certainly not the type of girl you failed to notice, especially when she wandered into a dingy open mic comedy venue in her stiletto's and that long mane of blonde hair. She was also pretty easy on the eye it has to be said, which she has certainly played to her advantage having done a photo shoot for lads mag Loaded earlier in the year. And that's not it -Naomi has been a busy girl this year. She went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and put on a show with her comedy partner Catherine Povinelli (who I never met), has been blogging on the Huffington Post, and has also got a TV presenting gig.

On the comedy circuit, Naomi made it through to the final of Jongleurs Comic Idol 2012, which got her exposure in The Sun newspaper, which is further proof that the Hungarian is on track to become a comedy star.

The catwalk model and TV presenter: Michelle de Swarte
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Feisty, fierce, and feckin' beautiful! Unknown to me at the time when I first met Michelle at an East Meets Jest comedy gig in Covent Garden was that she was already carving out a TV career for herself, having presented The Fasion Show in 2008 alongside George Lamb and Abbey Clancy.

In 2011, she co-created and hosted E4’s satirical celeb roast Dirty Digest, and then presented for eight hours straight alongside Tom Deacon when the BBC filmed the UK’s first ever 24-hour panel show for Comic Relief entitled Panel People, hosted by David Walliams, and was streamed live around the world. More recently she has been working alongside Jake Humpheries on the BBC3 current affairs debate show Free Speech. This year Michelle made her debut at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

The Essex Girl: Hannah Deasy
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Okay, okay - before you say anything, I know you might be noticing something of a pattern here with the girls I am choosing, but I can assure you I am picking these girls based on my ears, rather than any of the other senses that might be going through your filthy minds! I saw Hannah perform open mic comedy lots of times, but perhaps the funniest was when I saw her take to the stage at The Railway after a pretty heavy drinking session, and she brought the house down. Granted, then I think she fell down flat on her face, but she got the job done first!

Perhaps her Bowled Over comedy CV describes her best: "Often seen clutching a pint in one hand and a mic in the other, this is when she is at her most dangerous, and should not be approached." Hannah has been busy working with comedy partner Michael Kossew, and has also taken a couple of shows to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, including Gagstronomic! with Mark Jeary and Gemma Beagley.

Jack's view on... The best moments of Euro 2012

As the dust finally settles in Poland and Ukraine, it is a time to contemplate on what has been a truly wonderful tournament. From the word go we have been blessed with some of the most memorable moments in football history; a stunning collective of images that will live long in the mind for many years to come. Euro 2012 rekindled my love for the game - it showed me everything that I want a football tournament to be about.

And now it's all over, I don't mind admitting that the realisation that it is has come to an end made me shed a tear. No longer would my eyes be able to feast upon visions of such glory, of such perfection, and I find myself looking to the heaven's, looking for answers, and asking Why Lord, why must you punish me so?!

Euro 2012 was a tournament that gave us so much. A Spanish team that cemented their place in football folklore as the greatest team ever to have graced the hallowed green turf. A world-class performance from Cristiano Ronaldo that prompted him to change his hairstyle at half-time in every match he played in. A sulking goal celebrating style from Mario Balotelli that made us wonder if he was French instead of Italian. An England team that has given us hope for World Cup 2030 when hopefully the off-spring of the Golden Generation might be able to do what their dad's couldn't! And even a German team that didn't make it to the final!

But those little nuggets of gold don't even come close to what got me really excited about the competition!

Call me dramatic, call me emotional, call me extreme, but the fact is I am a man who stands by my passion, my beliefs! There are countless amounts of men across Europe right now who feel just like me. They too are going to miss that sensational tingle every time we turned on our TV screens and waited in baited breath in anticipation of the one thing we all wanted to really see...

The scanning of the crowd!

That's right suckers! I am talking about the monumental efforts from the Euro 2012 cameramen to pluck out some of the absolute little treacle's sitting in the crowd! In the words of Chris Kamara, some of the women on display in this tournament were unbelievable! The best moments for be at Euro 2012, were the girls of Euro 2012!

I'm normally the first bloke to moan about women watching football every time a European Championship or World Cup comes around. I hate the fact that for two years they moan about how much they hate the footy, and then suddenly you can't get them away from the big screen TV. Whether it's screaming at the top of their lungs every time England get a throw-in, or ruining in-depth football chat by trying to discuss which player has the best legs, I get proper annoyed whenever some splitarse starts harking on about her passion for the game all because she thinks David Beckham has got a nice arse. It does my nut in!

But this was completely different! And here is why...

The girls on display at Euro 2012 had made a bit of an effort. They had clearly been down the gym do some serious working out in order to fit those tight little bodies into replica shirts that were clearly two sizes two small for them! There were curves poking out all over the place!

It changed the whole dynamics of the tournament for me! I was gutted when Greece were knocked out. It meant I couldn't knock one out over that little Greek blonde sort they kept showing on the TV. She brought joy to millions of Greek people during a financial meltdown for crying out loud! I didn't mind Germany doing so well, and I was even keeping my fingers crossed that they would play England in the semi-final and embarrass us all over again like they did at the World Cup last year. And the reason why?

Because it would have meant I could have drooled all over over this fine specimen once again. I mean look at her. Look at her dammit! She is even carrying two pints in her hand. She is like the most amazing woman I have ever seen in my life. The men were watching footy and they sent her to get the beer. I almost fucking cried right there and then when I saw this image. It was beautiful. 

It has changed the way I view football forever. I was happy enough to sit indoors during this competition, with my pants around my ankles, waiting for the Euro 2012 money shot to come along! And I didn't have to once explain the offside rule to anyone! It was frickin' awesome!

Normally I'd head down to the pub and I'd have to stand with some Nora Batty lookalike, and watch her belly jiggle out from underneath her crappy Primark England t-shirt every time she got over excited about a free kick on the halfway line. But this year was a real game changer. I mean look at this Italian fan on the left - this is what she looked like when Juan Mata had just tucked away Spain's fourth goal!

So make sure you remember this tournament for all the right reasons. It wasn't about the brilliance of Iniesta or the rugged determination of Roy Hodgson's Three Lions. It was all about the effort made by the female supporters. I salute you ladies!

Jack Chatham is a fictional character from Steven Scaffardi's comedy novel The Drought. 

Jack's view on... Tulisa being named FHMs Sexiest Woman 2012!

Like most blokes, I get pretty excited when FHM release their Top 100 Sexiest Women supplement. After all, it brings back a lot of good memories for me. Back in the in the day, FHM was treated a bit like porn for cowards. If you weren't old enough (or tall enough) to reach for the top shelf, then you couldn't go too wrong with FHM. Especially 1996 winner Gillian Anderson. Hmmmm, Scully....

But I'm a little disappointed this year. Don't get me wrong, Tulisa is a good looking girl - you definitely would - but I feel the men in the UK are getting a little lazy. I mean, one sex tape where you deliver a pretty shoddy gob job does not warrant the title of sexiest woman! If that was the criteria, then Tina the barmaid at the Three Kings would take that crown - her technique is sloppy to say the least. Great rack though.

The really sad thing here is that only two of The Saturdays got into the top 100. That is a frickin' liberty in my eyes. So men of the UK, I call upon you to take a long hard look at yourselves. Your standards are dropping, and if we continue to send out the message that half-hearted blowsies get you awards, we'll end up seeing the women of this world stop putting in the effort. Don't let this happen - your penis needs you!

Jack Chatham is a fictional character from Steven Scaffardi's comedy novel The Drought.