Characters from The Drought: Pete Crowford

The Drought: Pete Crowford

Imagine a balding geek with a Bobby Charlton comb-over who truly believes he is a hit with the ladies and you have just met in your mind the man known as Pete Crowford.

Pete is one of those strange breed of men who seems totally oblivious to what he actually looks like; believing that a harmless glance from a woman is as good as a suggestion that she wants him bad.

Dan normally finds himself at odds with Pete in the office over the affections of the opposite sex, not that he pits himself up against the bespectacled IT worker. Pete is just so deluded that he will immediately take it as a challenge to win over the fairer sex if Dan so much as happens to be in the same room as a female co-worker.

In order to entertain himself, Dan and Kelly take it upon themselves to make Pete the brunt of many of their office pranks, and normally with hilarious consequences!

Characters from The Drought: Shaila Saxena

The Drought: Shaila Saxena

Meet Shaila: beautiful, exoctic, intoxicating and totally unapproachable. That's right, Shaila is the stereotypical office ice queen and no matter how hard Dan tries, he simply can't crack her. And he has tried everything, believe me! Including the good old Facebook poke, but all that got him was a trip to the HR department.

From the moment Dick's new PA turns up in the office, Dan is besotted. The jet black hair, the coffee coloured skin, her dark alluring eyes, those legs that go on forever - Shaila has got it all and she has very little interest in giving any of it to Dan!

So much so that she hardly knows that Dan exists, going as far as referring to him as Don for the most part. Not that Dan cares, the fact she event thinks she has a name is good enough for him.

Now if only he could find a way of melting the ice...

The Flood due for Christmas release... honest!

After a number of false dawns, I am pleased to announc that I am in the final stages of editing my second novel The Flood, which is a follow-up to my debut lad lit comedy The Drought.

The Flood picks up from the first book and follows the unlucky in love fortunes of Dan Hilles. But this time, instead of the sex drought, Dan has made a bet with friends Rob, Jack and Ollie that he can manage a 'flood' of women and when he makes a bet that he can juggle four different girls at the same time, he opens up another can of hilarious dating disasters.

Due for eBook release in December and a provisional January date for the paperback, I'll be posting updates and sample chapters in the next couple of weeks.

Watch this space!

Street Fighter - the way we hope it all really went down!

Hands up if you remember those wonderful days in your youth when you would spend hours pumping the arcade machine with 20p coins so you could act out the ultimate fight fantasy by taking Ryu or Ken all the way to the final challenge against M. Bison (before he started calling himself Cheryl Cole - back when he wanted to fight to the death, rather than fight for this love)?

And hands up if you remember when Jean-Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue ruined that nostalgic memory with that awful film?

Well fret no more, because this wonderful viral video from Robot Chicken has just put paid to that appalling movie with this piece of YouTube genius. Enjoy...!

Characters from The Drought: Dick Mussel

The Drought: Dick Mussel

We've all worked for a boss like Dick. Obnoxious, egotistical, unreasonable and totally annoying. Whether it's the way they sit back in their chairs with their hands linked behind the head in that attempt at a power pose or using words and phrases that make no sense in an attempt to sound smart, this is the boss from hell.

Dick Mussel - or Moo-cell as he insists it is pronounced - is Dan's boss at Maxwell Media; an B2B publishing house. Dick never seems to be happy unless he is making Dan's life a misery and is certainly oblivious to the fact that his name pretty much sums him up perfectly.

As the story progresses and Dan's plight becomes almost unbearable, not only does he have to continue putting up with his boss' demands for more sales reports and quarterly meetings, but there is a secret bubbling under the surface which Dan will regret unearthing the moment it happens!

Characters from The Drought: Grace Ellison

The Drought: Grace Ellison

Grace Ellison is the type of girl mere mortal men dream about. Beautiful, sexy and sassy, Grace could have her pick of the men.

So when Dan gets a chance with Grace, he finds himself in that enviable position of dating a girl way out of his league. Many men have been in this position before and many men have buckled under the pressure. The big question is will Dan be able to take the heat?

During his encounters with Grace in The Drought you'll witness a large consumption of alcohol, dance moves so bad they'll make you cringe, the worst case of amnesia in dating history, and a sausage dog.

It's fair to say that whatever happens, Grace is and always will be the hottest girl ever to give Dan the time of day. She is petite, with full lips and auburn coloured hair in bob cut and pretty little freckles on her nose.

Characters from The Drought: Sophie Pudney

The Drought: Sophie Pudney

When a woman asks you to guess her age, always go lower than what you're actually thinking. Unfortunately for Dan, when he was first introduced to his ex-girlfriend Stacey's best friend Sophie and she asked that very question, Dan went for the truth.

And that pretty much set the tone for their friendship - or lack of - from that moment forth.

Sophie would play no small part in the downfall of Dan and Stacey's relationship; never feeling that Dan was good enough for her best friend and corrupting Stacey to the point where she became a totally different person.

But the story doesn't end there. When Dan breaks up with Stacey on New Year's Day, it's Sophie who starts plotting his downfall, starting with a rather evil attack with the use of her trusty baseball bat. Things don't get much better for Dan after that either...

Characters from The Drought: Dave Rowett

The Drought: Dave Rowett

Dave is the ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend from hell!

After Dan breaks up with Stacey, it doesn't take her too long to hook up with the neanderthal that is Dave Rowett. And to make matters worse, Stacey has seemingly recruited Dave to join her and best friend Sophie in making Dan's life a misery whenever possible.

With his skinhead, big gold hooped earrings, proud battle scar across his cheek and colourful array of tattoos (including one across the side of his head), Dave has the menacing look to match his equally menacing personality.

And that is not good news for Dan, especially as he'll have his fair share of encounters with Dave. The question us what can Dan do to stand up to his new nemesis?

Characters from The Drought: Stacey Cunningham

The Drought: Stacey Cunningham

The ex-girlfriend, but just not any ex-girlfriend.

Stacey is that one ex we all have to get out of our system. The one girl who we spend a great chunk of our lives with and then look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking?!

Dan met Stacey at university and during that initial year of their relationship, everything was rosy. But then a dark cloud descended upon their relationship in the shape of one best friend called Sophie. Nothing was the same after Stacey fell under Sophie's influence.

When Dan finally breaks up with Stacey on New Year's Day after what you could call a rocky relationship, that is when the real trouble starts. Forget the drought that Dan has been plunged into, he has got to deal with the wrath of his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend Dave. Nothing like a woman scorned.

Sepp Blatter wins FIFA election and morphs into Borat!

Just when you thought FIFA couldn't sink any lower after Sepp Blatter won a fifth term as President, the 79 year old appeared to morph into Kazakhstan's favourite son Borat during his acceptance speech.

Addressing the crowd in Zurich despite calls for him to stand down as the head of FIFA from all corners of the football world following the recent corruption scandal that has rocked world football's governing, Blatter took to the stage to address the audience at the FIFA congress and in celebrating victory he decided to use a few of Borat's well-known catchphrases...

Characters from The Drought: Kelly Campbell

The Drought: Kelly Campbell

Kelly Campbell is Dan's reliable and sympathetic work colleague, who he confides in on a regular basis in the hope that she can shed some female light on why he's failing so miserably with the opposite sex, balancing out the testosterone-fuelled 'advice' from the lads.

Kelly is bright, bubbly, and has an infectious laugh. She has been working with Dan for a little over four months, and already their relationship has a fairly standard routine - Dan tells her about his woes with the opposite sex and Kelly does her best not to laugh.

She has been dating her boyfriend Paul for nearly a year now, but she remains an independent girl at heart with a real zest for life. Her free spirit nature makes her the perfect friend not to judge Dan, no matter what sort of situations he manages to get himself in!

Characters from The Drought: Ollie Pemberton

The Drought: Ollie Pemberton

What Ollie lacks in brains, he more than makes up for in brawn. When he is not in the gym beefing up, he can normally be found in the pub; pint in one hand, cigarette in the other!

When it comes to the opposite sex, Ollie is not a fussy man. In fact the phrase "any hole's a goal" could have been created exclusively for Ollie. His approach to women is to simply wait around until the end of the night and then pounce on the most drunken girl in the establishment. And if she happens to be overweight, well, that is just a bonus for Ollie, as "fat girls are more appreciative" as he likes to say.

Ollie is a bit of a throwback to old-school man. All of this metrosexual new-age man stuff is definitely not for him. He is at his happiest when he is propping up the bar watching the footy or rugby. His idea of a romantic meal would probably be down at the local Wetherspoons on the burger and pint night!

Lad Lit Book Review: Ugly Americans by Ben Mezrich

If you want the quick review then imagine Wolf of Wall Street in Asia with more edge. If that has tantalized your taste buds then read on.

I first read Ugly Americans about 10 years ago when it first came out. I’d just discovered Ben Mezrich through Bringing Down The House and Busting Vegas, and had become a big fan. This book, whilst perhaps not one of Mezrich’s most well-known books, is one of my favourites.

In 1993 John Malcolm throws himself into the crazy world of stockbroking in Japan. He receives a baptism of fire as the first company he works for loses hundreds of millions in a deal set-up by one of the directors, forcing him out of a job. It's not long before he ends up at Barings Bank, working for infamous rogue trader Nick Leeson who made a $2bn gamble that sent Barings into receivership and Malcolm back to the job centre.

Malcolm ends up working back with the man who brought him to Asia in the first place, Dean Carney, and that is where the fun, fortune and fame start. Malcolm soon starts to rise up the financial ladder, making deals and trades that propel him to become a star in his own right to his fellow expat western traders, before being responsible for what was called "biggest deal in the history of the financial markets."

Millions are made, and then even more millions are made, but for me the real appeal in this book comes from the backdrop of the weird and wonderful fish bowl that is Tokyo. From the downright bizarre back-alley sex clubs and fetishes of local rich businessman, to the sinister side of Japan’s underbelly, namely the Yakuza.

Like all Mezrich books there is a love interest, the daughter of a Japanese mob boss, and through this relationship Malcolm find himself rubbing shoulders with men more cut-throat than those he works alongside on the trading floor.

It's an incredible journey and Mezrich excels once again in telling the story and bringing to life a world crafted from greed, power and unimaginable wealth, held together by danger and risk at every corner.

As the title says, this really is the true story of the Ivy League cowboys who raided the Asian markets for millions.

Characters from The Drought: Jack Chatham

The Drought: Jack Chatham

When you think of Jack Chatham, think of a cross between Danny Dyer and Jay from The Inbetweeners! Jack is a happy-go-lucky cheeky-chappy who always has something to say, and most of the time it will be totally un-PC!

He is the joker of the pack, full of banter and sarcasm. With his cockney accent, he comes across as a bit of a geezer and at five-foot-four he has been known to suffer from small-man-syndrome. But his devil-may-care attitude always keeps those around him entertained.

When it comes to girls, Jack is the guy in the group who doesn't seem to have any morals or a conscience. He is constantly playing away from his long-suffering girlfriend Anna (hence his nickname Jackie Cheatham), but his cheeky-chappy confident style makes him hard to dislike. He is a firm believer in chat-up lines and has a host of gems to choose from!

Ever wondered what it would be like if Family Guy sang Uptown Funk? Step forward Mikey Bolt...

Mikey Bolt, you sir are a frinkin' genius! If ever there was a reason why YouTube exists, it's not because we want to see some baby bite his kid brothers finger, it's because we want to know what it would sound like to hear Stewie Griffin sing Uptown Funk! That's right people, you heard me right. Don't believe me, just watch. (see what I did there...)

And it doesn't stop there. The LA impressionist has a whole arsenal of cartoon based voices to his repertoire which he uses with hilarious consequences. I mean, imagine Peter Griffin laying down the vocals to Pharrell William's 'Happy' track....

And his talents don't stop at cartoon characters doing songs, he does pranks as well...

And if you like what you have seen here, there is plenty more over at his YouTube channel so make sure you check it out!

Characters from The Drought: Rob Devlin

The Drought: Rob Devlin

Rob Devlin is one of those super-cool, good-looking, smooth-talking guys who girls fall over themselves to get to. He oozes charm and charisma, and can certainly turn on his sensitive side when he needs to, yet still manages to maintain his 'one of the lads' status with just as much ease.

Rob has been Dan's best friend ever since they used to play kiss chase with the girls in the school playground. With his sandy beach blonde boy-band style haircut and a good dress sense, it isn't hard to understand why Rob is s such a ladies man.

He works in a clothes shop, or a fashion boutique, as Rob likes to put it. Whilst his friends are more than happy to rock high street brands such as Top Man and River Island, Rob is always wearing the latest from Prada or Lanvin, and he is the one member of the group who you could call metrosexual. But even his usually solid advice is wasted on Dan!

Lad Lit Book Reviews: Seeing Other People by Mike Gayle

Mike Gayle is the reason I first ever got into lad lit and after reading this book about infidelity and friendship, tinged with heartbreak and sorrow with a touch of A Christmas Carol thrown into it, I soon remembered why.

When Joe Clarke wakes up with the hot office intern, panic sets in. He does the classic man thing – claiming he can’t remember what happened, but as some of us have learned the hard way, that rarely gets us out of trouble.

It’s not long before his wife Penny rumbles him and takes off with the kids. Joe vows to be a better man to win his family back, and help is going to come from the most unlikely of places, namely his recently deceased girlfriend. Yep, you read that right! Joe has his very own ghost of relationship past. It sounds strange, but it works.

As a reader you buy into what Joe is going through – the disappointment in himself, the regret of what he is has lost, the determination to get his family back. What Gayle does with his male lead characters is make them real. You feel the emotion as though you’re one of Joe’s mates that he is confiding in.

The real stars of the book are perhaps the other members of the Divorced Dads' Club, who rally around each other as they share their tales of woe. Men don’t share their true feelings at the best of times, but Gayle deals with this brilliantly as he intertwines their stories into the novel.

All in all, Gayle proves again why he is one of the best at writing about normal male blokes, and he does it in a style that makes you want to know ‘what happened next’ long after the final page has been turned.

The Office: Middle Earth - SNL take a bow son!

US comedy show Saturday Night Live has come up with an absolute corker with this mash-up of The Hobbit vs The Office! Actor Martin Freeman and the rest of the SNL cast should all take a bow for this piece of genius. That's enough words - all you have to do is just sit back, watch and laugh your little Hobbit feet off...

Characters from The Drought: Dan Hilles

The Drought: Dan Hilles

Dan Hilles is a pretty regular kind of guy - regular job, regular bunch of mates, regular male aversion to shopping. But when it comes to the opposite sex, Dan has lost his way somewhat and his recent sexual experiences are anything but regular!

Eight months ago Dan became single for the first time in three years after the traumatic and life threatening break-up with long-term girlfriend Stacey. He was ready and raring to take single life by the horns. But somewhere along the way, the rules had changed.

He hasn't just forgotten how to talk to women, he has suffered an extreme case of amnesia when it came to even being in the same vicinity of the fairer sex. Facing the possibility of being forced into a life of celibacy, Dan has turned to his friends for salvation and to help him overcome his drought, with disastrous and often hilarious consequences.

STOP THE PRESS! John Terry was a photobomb star way back in 2004!

They say you can't keep a good man down and those rules certainly apply when you put the words 'photobomb', 'John' and 'Terry' together. Fresh from his full-kit exploits at two European finals and then turning up everywhere from the Royal Wedding to the Oscars, it seems that the Chelsea skipper was at it way back in 2004.

Thanks to the power of Sky+ I decided to catch up on some old box sets, and last night whilst watching the first series of TV series Lost I only went a spotted the man known as JT who was guest starring in episode 20. You don't believe me? Well check this out...

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse for Everton, Justin Bieber puts the boot in!

It's fair to say that my beloved Everton have had a pretty torrid Christmas period. Four defeats in a row, lightweight in defence, no killer instinct in front of goal and just four points off the friggin' relegation zone. It's enough to make even the most staunch Evertonian to fear the worst.

But surely nothing could have prepared the Goodison Park faithful for this image of Justin Bieber parading around in an Everton kit this week!

 

I freely admit that I use this blog as a platform to take the Michael out of that team in red across the park whenever I can, but even I have to put my hands up on this one and admit that on this occasion that lot from Anfield might just have had the last laugh. In a week when Liverpool celebrate the end of an era with the announcement that Steven Gerrard will be leaving at the end of the season, the best us Everton fans can hope for is that Roberto Martinez doesn't panic buy in January...

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a fantastic evening and the heads are not too sore this morning. The last 12 months have flown by and after numerous promises to publish the follow-up to The Drought in 2014, I'm quietly confident that The Flood will be available as an eBook within the next 6-8 weeks!

I have been working on The Flood over the Xmas break and I am now 90,000 words in (which happens to be the word count for The Drought). There are one or two things to iron out and tweak, but I'm going to be working hard over the next few days to get it finished. I will then be work on the proofreading and editing stage, and getting a few close friends to give the book the once over and make any changes based on their feedback.

So thank you for your patience and I hope when The Flood does arrive it will be worth the wait! Until then, Dan and his pals from The Drought hope you have a great 2015!