Saturday, 2 February 2013

David Hasselhoff... I salute you, we ALL salute you!

If religion is real and there is a God, then that man must be David Hasselhoff. And how do I know this I hear you ask? Because when I asked the official David Hasselhoff iPhone app if he was indeed our Lord and Saviour, the answer came through loud and clear...

In case your tiny brains can't quite comprehend the magnitude of what I'm saying and you need a bit more "evidence" to be convinced, then let's take a look at the facts as to why this man deserves his legendary status.

David Michael Hasselhoff was born July 17, 1952 in Baltimore, Maryland. His CV reads actor, singer, producer, and businessman. What the hell does your CV say? Fruit and Veg stacker at Tescos?!

He is the man responsible for bringing us a crime-fighting talking car, bikini clad babes bouncing up and down on our TV screens every week, a chest rug to die for, and the most impressive thing of all - he was single-handedly responsible for bringing down the Berlin Wall. Fact!

(You won't be reading any of those things on Matthew McConaughey's CV any time soon I can tell you that!)

He first lit up our screens in the early 1980s when as Michael Knight he took on the criminal underworld with a the aid of talking car. He said of his Knight Rider success: "It's because it was about saving lives, not taking lives, and it was how one man really can make a difference." What a guy!

When Knight Rider went off the air in 1986, he was shunned in the US and turned to Europe where the German people held The Hoff to their bosom and offered him the adulation he so richly deserved. It would be Hasselhoff's song Looking For Freedom that would united a nation and help end the Cold War. And on New Year's Eve 1989, the hunk in the trunks, clambered up on top of the partly demolished wall to belt out his chart-topping anthem.

David Hasselhoff, Berlin Wall, Looking For Freedom, The Hoff,
The historical importance of that day in Berlin was not lost on The Hoff
But once again Hasselhoff failed to receive the plaudits he so richly deserved, and would later tell Germany's TV Spielfilm magazine that he felt his pivotal role in harmonising relations between the two sides of the divide had been overlooked. "I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie," he told the magazine. I couldn't agree more David!

After not one, but two daggers to the heart, lesser men might have disappeared into obscurity. Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to step into the light... But not David Hasselhoff.

And after picking himself up and dusting himself down again, The Hoff made his third and most successful comeback when he launched Baywatch. The show originally aired in 1989 but was canned after just one series (and the conspiracy theories started doing the rounds again). But we'd already seen the true grit and determination this man had shown before and he was never going to give up that easily! Two years later he invested his own money and as executive producer he brought back Boobwatch, I mean Baywatch, to the small screen, much to the delight of young men across the world and Kleenex sales.

Alexandra Paul (right) tried her best to ruin Baywatch for us all
Men should be eternally grateful to The Hoff, because for the first time we were able to sit in front of the TV and ogle half naked women without the fear of our mothers walking in and catching us red-handed (and yes that is a euphemism). Yes we had to put up with the flat-chested Alexandra Paul from time to time, but it was a small price to pay for 10 seasons of Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Erika Eleniak, Yasmine Bleeth, and a whole host of other buxom beauties!

Baywatch was shown in 140 countries around the globe and according to the Guinness Book of World Records it was the most watched TV show in the world with 1.1 billion viewers. And we all know why - the fantastic scripts and storylines of course! Throw into the mix acting performances worthy of any awards ceremony, and you had a recipe for success.

After Baywatch The Hoff could have rode off into the sunset with his reported $100,000,000 fortune, but he didn't want to be selfish and let his legions of fans down. The past decade has seen Hasselhoff turn up in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, have a stint as a judge on America's Got Talent and Britain's Got Talent, rack up a UK number one with his Emmy Award winning song Jump In My Car (I'm not too sure if it actually got to number one or won an won an Emmy, but it should have!), made an appearance in World Wrestling Entertainment, and my personal favourite - he appeared as Captain Hook in panto at Wimbledon Theatre. I know because I was there in the front row chanting Encore David, encore! 

Of course there was the well publicized video clip of a shirtless Hasselhoff in a drunken stupor eating a cheeseburger, but I refuse to dwell on this moment. The Hoff is not a man without his faults, which is what makes it easier to love the man. And let's face it, who hasn't got home shitfaced after a night out on the Tequila's and ended up on the floor eating a kebab?

David wasn't impressed that his foreskin
ended up looking like a Shar Pei
No, I refuse to let the man's legacy be pinned on one minor incident, especially after all he has done for mankind! Instead, I want to remember him just like everyone else wants to remember him...

...As a mirror image of this picture on the left.

I don't have a scooby what he is doing either, but who frickin' cares! If anyone can get away with this pose, then that man is The Hoff! And for that reason...

David Hasselhoff... I salute you, we ALL salute you!

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